Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Capturing Intensity

I've had so much on my mind lately that I've been struggling to find the right words to capture the emotion behind them. I came up with the title to this post "Capturing Intensity" last night after reading another fellow bloggers ideas on the importance of word choice in a blog post. Her post hit a chord with me for two reasons....the obvious first reason being, I've been struggling to find anything notable in my life to post on... and the second, my hesitation with blogging always pops up when thinking about word choice...I never feel that I can adequately capture the emotions so deep within my heart and make them relate able or meaningful for that matter....
So with this in mind... I warn you that this may indeed be a lengthy post tonight, I apologize.

Intensity.When I think of this word I immediately go to my eulogy that I wrote on my mom...not the one crowded with tears that I gave at her celebration of life....but the unrestricted, true depiction of my love for my mom...and the same eulogy I will be giving next weekend at SDSU for State Competition.

That speech is intense, even for me.

Tonight at Speech and Debate practice I felt raw, exposed,and  vulnerable while speaking. I've practiced this thing countless times in weeks prior but for reasons still confusing to me, tonight I was hit with reality. SO many times I give this speech and am taken back to that place.The place of brokenness, weakness, fear,and anxiety. Yet tonight was different. Tonight I realized fully and truly that what I present on stage isn't just about a performance. Its my life. It's the reality I, and the rest of my family, have to face---she's gone and I...and we...will never be able to have her back on earth. 

The biggest thing I find difficult with is...the idea that no matter how much you think you may already understand reality.... No matter how able I am already to acknowledge that she is no longer living....a piece of me is always held back. Each time I give this speech its like another piece of me is awakened to what I've actually had to live through....
So yes, tonight at practice I gave my speech...yes, I walked out of the room and cried....yes, for reasons unknown at the moment,  I am heartbroken over the loss of the most beautiful person in the world....but like I say in my speech my mom will never be forgotten....her family loved and still loves her.

This whole feeling and experience tonight reminded me of an earlier discussion today that I had in AP Language class. Someone was commenting on an essay we read saying that we all secretly are trying to woo someone in our lives ( in the case of the essay, the author took up writing as a way to try and win her dad's affection...even though he couldn't read English) but that eventually we come to the conclusion that its silly to woo others.... we need to think of doing things for ourselves too.

I was shocked. As the people-pleaser type I admit to doing some things more to gain others acceptance than for myself. At the same time though, I recognize that doing things for others isn't necessarily bad. I wrote my eulogy on my mom as a testimony of my love and affection for her. I wrote that speech fully knowing that I've spent so much of my 17 years  trying to please her and gain her appreciation...simply because she was my mom and her opinion mattered most of all. I don't see it as a silly thing that is, doing something to make someone else proud or happy ...because, in essence, you are proving that person's value to you without words. The author of that essay we read in Lang, through writing novels, was trying to convey to her dad that he held value in her life.

All this said I want to be honest with my thoughts on why I blog.There are people out there who blog for an audience, who blog to rant, who concern themselves with the "worthiness" of their chosen blog topic...and I'll be first to admit I've fallen victim to all these concerns..
Yet in the pit of my heart I know that the reason why I blog isn't because I hope to use this to earn me sympathy or a  career in English. I blog because it is a reminder of my growth as an individual. I blog because it allows me to be pure, honest, and unrestricted by others opinions or time-- for that matter...
I blog because its a way of keeping my mother alive and remembering the incredible woman she was.

I admit: my diction and syntax may not be something my AP Lit teacher would have been proud of..
I admit: that this blog may at times be just a spew of words and that grammar almost always is not a concern of mine
and I admit: that in no way do I lead an interesting life worthy of blogging about....
 So why do I do it?
If you really want to know ...a good blog post shouldn't have to concern itself with any of that, in my opinion.
It should focusing on capturing the intensity of your own emotion.It should be about saying the things that others would be afraid to say themselves....however large or small.

 It should be you. Plain and simple.

Mom, this is me. Tearing down the walls of my heart and being true to who I am becoming. Mom, this is me... trying to find your love amongst heartbreak. Mom, this is me... rediscovering the power of a good story and the meaning of true love.

Its true you know, that it doesn't matter what type of relationship a mom and a daughter have with each other...because whether good or bad there will always be a deep rooted bond. An invisible connection. A true love that withstands the test of time.
On October 10th 2010, I was granted the continuation of life.... and you were granted the after-life. Let us love, despite it all.
Love Forever and Always
 Your Daughter,