tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52147953601263005882024-02-20T21:29:41.798-08:00Take Me to the Waters EdgeReflections on What Treasures We Find on the Shoreline of LifeBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.comBlogger126125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-40395186595906135342016-10-29T17:15:00.000-07:002016-10-29T18:44:10.524-07:00Don't Be Ashamed of Your Shoes. Mom,<br />
I have to say it. <br />
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Last night I got home from work, took off my shoes, and saw this:<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJlUPM30rkHzhqEWc9h7yixqLT7KOVAhL4Oz6wCXkOQvvs0Fhq9EpUI3JMhwoMo0ib7-ccU8GEVLuBl3g7eS49rqYYmyB7SOsXsDzJwQYHnJbkIn3ZO20XA5fnKJTFIWQSzbJK2xs7Low/s1600/shoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJlUPM30rkHzhqEWc9h7yixqLT7KOVAhL4Oz6wCXkOQvvs0Fhq9EpUI3JMhwoMo0ib7-ccU8GEVLuBl3g7eS49rqYYmyB7SOsXsDzJwQYHnJbkIn3ZO20XA5fnKJTFIWQSzbJK2xs7Low/s320/shoe.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
This is the shoe from my left foot. The foot always labeled "healthy, strong, normal". The foot without the need for surgeries. The "good" leg, not the Cerebral Palsy leg.<br />
<br />
I had been wondering why rocks kept showing up in my shoe, this is why... the hole has been made already. 4 months in. My strong leg is tired, and I got lazy in correcting it over and over again. My fault for trying to fit in...accepting the facts is a still a daily battle...<br />
<br />
Yesterday: I was walking down the hall, a favorite 1st grader of mine smiled SO big, waved and said "Hi Ms. Brittany"...then, as soon as I walked past, he turned to his adult aid and said "What's wrong with her? She walks really reallllyyy bad". <br />
<br />
I clenched my teeth, and told myself to keep my head up...<i>you know he just doesn't know, you're not actually upset with his response, just with the idea that the effort you put forth isn't recognized right now.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
But why couldn't he have asked <i><b>me</b></i>? <br />
<br />
A couple days ago: I found myself at church, it was a prayer/worship rally & the seats on the bottom floor had all been taken out for standing room only. The stairs were ridiculous, and even if I used them, the seating was arranged with nowhere for me to hold onto in order to stand up.<br />
<br />
I panicked, and found myself wisely choosing to sit on the sideline, (where everyone had laid their bags) on the one row of seats that created the boundary line for the standing area. <br />
<br />
I cried about it, sitting down, for 15 minutes. Then I closed my eyes, got to a place of acceptance, and imagined everyone sitting in a chair with me... I never opened my eyes again... until it was required for fear of crying again.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJlUPM30rkHzhqEWc9h7yixqLT7KOVAhL4Oz6wCXkOQvvs0Fhq9EpUI3JMhwoMo0ib7-ccU8GEVLuBl3g7eS49rqYYmyB7SOsXsDzJwQYHnJbkIn3ZO20XA5fnKJTFIWQSzbJK2xs7Low/s1600/shoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>Most people were probably thinking I was getting rocked by God...nope, I was just crying& asking Him why I couldn't stand for 2 hours too. <br />
<br />
Why the excitement over the night felt like a daydream?...why hadn't I thought about them doing this setup and set my expectations for inclusion correctly? Why wasn't I prepared? Why couldn't I see over people's heads at least?<br />
<br />
I eventually accepted it and got over my "right to be apart of______", but those moments still come. Less often for certain, but never gone forever.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJlUPM30rkHzhqEWc9h7yixqLT7KOVAhL4Oz6wCXkOQvvs0Fhq9EpUI3JMhwoMo0ib7-ccU8GEVLuBl3g7eS49rqYYmyB7SOsXsDzJwQYHnJbkIn3ZO20XA5fnKJTFIWQSzbJK2xs7Low/s1600/shoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
Tuesday: A new friend told me she was going to a healthcare conference that would be talking about people with disabilities aging into adulthood. She asked me my thoughts. I replied honestly and hope-filled. But I was also shocked within myself...to be honest, I forgot that not everyone has as many obstacles trying to stay healthy and live by themselves as I do...<br />
<br />
Some people don't have to plan for how to get heavy mailed packages from the front door inside with 1 hand.<br />
<br />
All of these things are normal experiences for me...the ups and downs of my reality. I realized this week that <i>yes</i>, I may have walked on the treadmill or did my exercises and walked to church the same day, but the truth is: I know I can't let up.<br />
<br />
I really <i>can't</i> stop because if I stop doing what I must, I begin thinking too hard and say to myself:<br />
<br />
<i>Why do I have to do this when____</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I don't even see any difference!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I did PT for 15+ years and what do I have to show for it, nothing- because I still have so far to go.</i><br />
<br />
While these thoughts aren't TRUTH, they happen.<br />
<br />
And I think today, <b>while I love sharing in the triumphs of my lifelong recovery and improvement plan with others, I also wanted to share in the realities.</b> That little things like having to go through the shoe buying process/all the "CP shoe requirements" again, make me want to be ok with going to work with holes in my shoes. <br />
<br />
The reality that sometimes being gracious to where people are at & at some level being responsible for educating people on disabilities, is really hard and unending.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I'd like to feel like church was a place I could show up and feel like I fit in <u>every</u> time. Not just when I get the right seat or attend the right <i>type</i> of events.<br />
<br />
This is <b><span style="font-size: large;">not </span></b>me bashing on my church, or first graders, or the shoe company for shoes that can't handle me. This is none of that. This is simply me acknowledging that these experiences hit a chord deep in my soul. A place in my soul that lies dormant most days, as I continue to commit to (always) adjusting to a world that's not in agreement with my body.<br />
<br />
This is me saying: <i><b>Hi pain, hi experience, you hurt me today and you are crazy& weird... but I am not those things. I am ok. I am loved. I am an overcomer</b></i><b>.</b><br />
<br />
This is me not pacifying my feeling or disregarding them because "I need to cut these people some slack"... because I truly know none of these painful experiences were because of the<i> people</i> who created/spoke them...they were painful <u>because of a body I can't control</u> or design. <br />
So, I will leave these experiences here in writing to validate the challenge they are, and I will move on from them now.I will close my eyes and imagine the hope I will always have, of better days ahead with my community of (willing and kind) "disability education" learners. <br />
<br />
And I will remember the poem I wrote to myself in 3rd grade, during Occupational Therapy: <br />
<br />
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Handicapped, Handicapped</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Is it a good thing or a bad?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It depends on how you put it, but to me it's not <i>that</i> bad</div>
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Sometimes it can make you very, very sad</div>
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But as long as you believe, believe, believe in yourself and your worth </div>
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Everything is going to be okay</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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I know, my poem is probably worth millions ;) (kidding!)</div>
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Love Always and Forever</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
Your Daughter,</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
Brittany</div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-24302667099457249882016-04-03T17:17:00.002-07:002016-07-22T20:46:49.362-07:00Your Kaleidoscopes-- More of Jesus Response, Part 1<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Rather than a normal letter, this post will be one of a three part series. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm in the process of crafting a prayer for what "More of Jesus" (the church's focus for the year) means for me in 2016. Asking Jesus simply what these words look like lived out through me, according to Him. I then felt led, as I'm waiting for the words of my own statement, to write what you will read below.<br />
It feels so much like an anthem for the Church as a whole and I really just wrote it from a place of standing in my personal convictions. Ideas came from scripture-- I only listed one reference merely for myself...there are others. They also came from what I gathered/ concepts that stood out while reading Jimmy Seibert's <u>Passion and Purpose </u> and re-listening to His vision message for 2016 online from 1/17/16. </div>
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Father, <o:p></o:p></div>
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We know that revival begins with repentance and if we want
to see radical, extraordinary revival in our lives, our church, and our sphere
of influence we must be willing to open up every dark place within us and relinquish
the conditions we have both unknowingly and knowingly set upon your power, and
your love towards us. We repent for how we have lost our desire and capacity
for authenticity because of the pull of the world towards compartmentalization of our
lives, our relationships, and our souls. We repent for accusing, instead of
asking with expectation: “where is Jesus?”, when we know that it is not that
Jesus is absent in our lives... but that He wasn’t invited to be present in <b>every
area</b> of our life. We repent for the things we have not consecrated to our Lord
because we once were misguided by selfish ambition, the distraction of our
pasts, the unfulfilling pull of comfort, and the lie that what you ask us to do
is still not enough for a purposeful life. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We
declare that The Church is a multicultural people who hear God and send people
to the ends of the Earth so that people are added to the Heavenly Kingdom day
by day (Acts 11:21-26, ch.13). We stand with resolute hearts agreeing to pray
prayers with <b>purpose and boldness,</b>
knowing that God is inviting us to do the mission of bringing THE Kingdom to
earth TOGETHER WITH HIM.<br />
<br />
We declare that we are <b>authentic in all things</b>, living in full abandon to engaging the
world around us and bringing His love and light to every place that are feet
touch. We willingly give of what is Truth, regardless of how we are feeling, because the power of the Holy Spirit is in us
and uses us in ways that can not be contained by mere flesh and bone. <b>We seep authenticity, which includes vulnerability
and empathy with action to all those around us, regardless of their backgrounds,
ethnicity, socioeconomic status, geographical location, or their ability to
repay us.</b></div>
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<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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We do
not wait for someone to go before us, because we are fearless in our humble beginnings
because we ask Jesus and rest in what He says about all we do. Yes indeed, the ground has
already been given to us as sons and daughters. Simply obeying what He calls us
to start and proceed in is our role, nothing more or less. We live like Jesus
goes before us in every area that the flesh declares fear or trepidation in,
because we are not guided by the world. We
don’t plan history, because with God we <i>live
it</i>… we joyfully run to the battle, equipped in all things because of <b>time
sown in secret with the Mighty Warrior himself</b>. We stand on your promise Father,
that He who calls is faithful. Therefore, as sure as the sun will rise we fix our
eyes on you pervasively and submit everything about us as a <b>living sacrifice. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let us preach like Paul once did, shouting that we know the “unknown”
God, and let us not shrink back by the response we receive. No, let us be willing to
stand alone for the sake of declaring HIM. Knowing that every moment we take
breathe is a moment that we let go of our idols and lay hold of Jesus more than
anything or anyone else. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We lay aside all the extra weight, the things that are un-needed
and unbeneficial in our run so that we can give space for what we are called by
Your own words to do. We declare that 2016 is about more of Jesus. It’s about
making Jesus the foundation not the additive. 2016 is about believing and
seeing the power of breaking sin and staying free come in to life in <u>all </u>cracks,
crevasses, and hidden places of ourselves, our church, and our community. We
live out day to day, the knowledge that tweaking our lives will not prepare us
to run this new race towards more of Jesus--radical change in <b>every area</b> will. We won’t let our
strength be robbed because we viciously stand in our place of meeting with the
Lord and wait for Him to speak so that we can follow. No other name is worthy.
We rightly align ourselves with our Father because we need our strength back <i>forever</i>, not just for a fleeting kick. We’ve
had enough of the sin and shame and will do anything He asks us to break its
back because we know where to run when the stronghold is broken… and we fill
the empty space with the good of the Gospel, the good of Jesus. You are our
friend, our savior, our best Marvelous Comrade. You win so many battles we don’t
see and we proclaim that today you will win the battle for our mind and our actions.
Today you mark upon our hearts-More of Jesus. Even more than we could ask or
imagine. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We surrender asking in our hearts for you to do more than
prepare, but also give, because we want you to take your rightful place. Help
us live authentically, even if it kills our image, destroys our fleshly
desires, and makes us to be more like little Christ’s because the truth is
those things really do scare us…but we want it anyway. Because courageously
taking the MORE you will give us today, is worth the fleshly pain of our
surrender. <o:p></o:p></div>
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All glory to You, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your Kaleidoscopes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-754405976426875112016-03-08T17:05:00.003-08:002016-03-08T21:22:18.191-08:00Delicate, Tender, Softly-Unstoppable Power. Dear Mom,<br />
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After basically throwing back this book in less than a day-- these words keep me chewing: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“You don’t feel your own power right now and I understand…yours
is not the kind that wants to announce itself. It is slow... and quiet...and tucks
in behind things-- waiting to be discovered. Some people have power that is <b>thick
</b>and neon-colored, and races around the room making sure everyone pays attention
to it… it's fascinating, but it's <i>not </i>yours. You are learning how to hold
yourself up and believe in the strength of your own conviction. That is not an
easy thing to do and you are doing the best you can. Keep going. I am very proud
of you. "-Sara Bareilles, <u>Sounds Like Me.</u><o:p></o:p></div>
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<u><br /></u></div>
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These recent months I've found myself in unfamiliar territory...funny how surrender seems to do that to a soul...drawing us to depth we never could see until we collapsed into it. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Today was basically a "deja vu" of yesterday. I found myself planted in a Starbucks for three hours around the stroke of two... with merely my journal, Bible, and a pen. Chewing on all that God's been inviting me to. </div>
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<br /></div>
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So what exactly is that? Well it's all a blur to me right now, but one thing is clear... </div>
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<br /></div>
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--He's calling me to accept bigger plans for my life than I thought was available to me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The more I read Isaiah 61, the more I realized all conversations have really led to this...to the opportunity to accept the MORE, to believe the MORE is possible, that perhaps I'm even being prepared for it, like it's happening in my midst and I didn't even see it? </div>
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<br /></div>
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My power may not be as exuberant or flashy as the others I see, but that is not a disqualification. The power God has set in me, He's inviting me to discover. To agree with what I find. It's been a journey to accept the call. My mind has known it all along,the words of Isaiah 61 ring true, but discovering it for my heart has been a slow uncovering. A peeling back...similar to the moment as a child where you peel off your fruit roll-up. You know it's worth it, but man is it a pain to find a corner you can start with (on a practical level)! </div>
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<br /></div>
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God is revealing that the leader, the woman, He's made me to be needs to stand steady on the convictions that He places within me. To fight tooth and nail in courage and obedience for the fulfillment of what He's marked me with, the dreams He's planted, the restoration and radiance He's called me to walk in TODAY. He's promised so many good things of nations and rebuilding and spiritual work and beauty instead of ashes. He calls me to the announcement of the mission, the restoration and the new covenant that comes in walking the mission out, the rejoicing and the promises of blessedness for the church and it's people to be fulfilled...it's all too much to swallow. </div>
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It gives me butterflies... of shock and joyful anticipation...to see Him bring it forth.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It's so gentle and kind that He reveals Is. 61 as part of the core of Is. 58. The one movie that triggered a catalytic reaction towards surrendering my life to God in its entirety for the orphan, the poor, for people...whatever His work and way. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Yesterday and today were days of delicate holding. My heart feels tender towards all that is swirling within, the things that have yet to be confined to the meaning of words. I'm learning my heartbreak and my tears can be reminders of my soft, yet unstoppable power with Christ. The power to love far deeper than the world finds comfortable. The power to speak up, to claim the good in the room. The power to draw out the thankfulness... as we remember the monuments created from eternal celebration and victory of our collective past. The power to be completely me. The leader of a thousand unseen battles waged in words of prayer, hope, love and unshakable faith for details often overlooked. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I think I've come to an understanding with myself that power IS slow and quiet, because it's not my power anyway. </div>
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<b>I'm not a flashy sort of person, but that doesn't mean that there is nothing to see--See God. </b></div>
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See the slow, quiet, delicate, soft ways He's moving among us. His transformation happens in the gentle touch of His fingertip...His power can come in a controlled manner just as easily as a voiceterous way. He's waiting to be discovered in the tender, exquisite, graceful unveiling sort of ways of His power too. </div>
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There are many ways of power, and I'm learning to embrace the journey of learning mine. </div>
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<br /></div>
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We're an unstoppable force--a delightful pairing-- if I do say so myself, God and I. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanks for already knowing that Mom. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Love Always and Forever, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Brittany</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-10588840203187389152015-10-25T12:13:00.001-07:002015-10-25T12:13:19.161-07:00Hungry for Light.Dear Mom,<br />
I've attempted to write something 3 times since moving here, and somehow it just hasn't happened...funny how that is.<br />
<br />
Yet something has been stirring in me these last few weeks and I just have to get it out on paper. Mom, I'm hungry and I'm thankful.<br />
<br />
A re-occuring theme of our ADS class is that we are marked by hunger for more of God. Staff and speakers alike have spoke it into existence and boy have we been living it out as a class! Yet with all this hunger there can come a complacency. A complacency that the enemy brings. The idea that tries to root when a people group is on the cusp of EVEN MORE...the idea that everybody already knows we're hungry so we don't need to do anything more...we don't need to surrender more, or claim any more victory, give over even more of our day to worship, or fight anymore battles because the enemy convinced us that what we've given is already enough. BUT God wants more. He calls us to not be complacent in our hunger now, but to hunger more. To identify the walls we have. Walls that stand as the extent of how much we feel we're capable of dreaming with God, the representation of our fears, the limitation of what we <i>think</i> is all we can have in God.<br />
The truth is though, there is so much more freedom to be had when we empty ourselves to the fullest extent, when we come to Him as broken vessels in every area<b>. </b>So much more to freedom<b> <span style="font-size: large;">w</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><b>hen we decide to identify our brick walls, and then we punch holes in them. We let the light flood through. </b>We give others standing on the side of the wall with us an "out"<b>...a path to follow. By those holes we proclaim freedom and victory, and a desire to be even less so that He can be even more. </b></span><br />
<br />
When we identify the walls in our lives and then actively punch through them we are hungering for more, We are getting even closer to the feet of Jesus by the power of His blood and the word of our testimony. He gives us the strength and the opportunity to punch through the wall. It's not by ourselves. It's by our humility and our surrender. It's by our hunger and our action that follows. It's by GOD and submitting our piece of The Church to Him daily to be changed, molding, and directed by Him.<br />
<br />
This is NO call to be perfect. This is NO call to<u> not</u> struggle. THIS IS A CALL to be broken, to be emptied, to embrace vulnerability and to walk forward (despite fear or inadequacy) with confidence that the Lord called you to give Him more of yourself. With confidence that the Lord called you to be beautifully broken every day. To live out your messy-ness for all to see, so that they know the goodness in you is not you, but Him.<br />
<br />
I'm convinced that my wholeness in Christ will not be found in perfection, or in legalism, but in relationship that invites me to thankfully and graciously accept God's call to be broken <u>every day</u> for His glory. To be humbled and transformed in every area, no matter the challenge or cost, so that I may join The Church in changing the world...by giving Him my entire being and serving Him by nothing of my doing or creating, but <b>everything</b> by God's power, courage, and utmost our relationship. And it is because of this that I know brokenness isn't always bad or less than.<br />
<br />
It's a messy process that won't end, but it's worth all I have to let Him take my life over... of that much I am certain.<br />
<br />
<b>Love Always and Forever</b><br />
<b>Your Daughter, </b><br />
<b>Brittany </b>Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-13866572785290123552015-08-05T11:48:00.001-07:002015-08-05T11:58:26.771-07:00Finding Place in Coffee Cups, Suitcases, and Household FloorsDear Mom,<br />
For the last three months every morning has started with a warm cup of coffee, contained in the same silver cup. I find such comfort in this little exchange of ours. Something about the consistency of it all just warms my little, relational heart. Such a simple exchange it is to pass off a cup of coffee, but yet it tells me so much about the person on the other end.<br />
<br />
It means something to have a morning routine. It's an opportunity to show concern and care, even in the simplest of ways. It's an opportunity to show love and gratitude. It's an opportunity to show that you desire those people in your life because in all reality, it may at times be easier to do such acts yourself. But that's not the point. Sometimes independence cuts out an opportunity for patience, smiles and the every day surprise.<br />
<br />
In the matter of two weeks I know this routine of mine will disappear once again, for a little while, and so I'm soaking up every second of that every day joy. I sure am thankful for that cup of coffee. I sure am thankful for the every day surprise that it is. I never want to be lazy of course, but that morning gift is just that...a gift. It meets me where I am.<br />
<br />
I'm just about to start the process of packing and minimizing yet again...waiting and preparing to meet whatever adventure is lurking around the Waco airport in late August. This whole process of attending Training School and pursuing a more missional lifestyle has been a huge leap of faith thus far...and I don't see that leap touching down anytime soon.<br />
<br />
It's been amazing to see the peace that is in my heart about the whole thing though. The logistics, and the idea of leaving the support system I have here temporarily, is daunting and at times totally fear-inducing. Yet, almost simultaneously, the anticipation to see what happens when I continue to keep giving this back to God (since everyone knows I can't figure this all out) is exciting!<br />
<br />
So all I can really do now is plan to pick up my suitcases, start packing, keep minimizing...and pressing forward!<br />
...And if after all that I still feel uneasy, I know all I have to do is sit down on the floor...because when you're already on the floor, there is no where else to go but up!<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
your daughter,<br />
Brittany<br />
<br />
<br />Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-56324348316619839682015-04-07T21:02:00.000-07:002015-04-07T21:02:03.909-07:00Water-filled Sneakers. <div>
Mom,</div>
I'm feeling alive and aware... even with so much awareness of brokenness and lack of_____.<div>
<br /><div>
My shoes have been full of water all day. And no, this is not <i>just</i> metaphor-they<i> literally</i> have been filled with water all day. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Since January 2014, Rain has brought with it the need for bravery. To abandon the fear of falling; crutches losing grip and balance lost. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You think I've never had a "bad word" slip out? Walk with me in the rain and watch my lips come undone, even if just on the rare occasions. <i>Sorry God, my bad.</i> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The only word I can think of to describe it is traumatizing, Sounds silly, but when your body teaches you not to trust it, falling in the same section of walkway every. single. time. trauma is the only description. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe this is why my children's book series has "rainboots" in the title--it's a call to bravery.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Mom, even with the awareness of what I lack...the standards I'm not meeting as an almost college graduate (May 2nd!!)...and the loss of control--I feel alive and aware. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Alive. Heart beating. Life changing. Morphing into who I've always seen myself becoming with God. </div>
<div>
Aware. Aware that such change and morphing is painstakingly slow, often confusing and internal before external. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Mom, I'm beginning to celebrate the success of transformation taking root in my life and my heart in the last year and a half. I'm not the person I was January 2014, I'm not the person I was January 8th 2015. Some say you can see the changes via text message, but<b> no </b>the real stuff is seen when standing face to face. Take some time to stop making assumptions and see with clear vision the hard work it took to get here. The struggles, <b>The support had and needed.</b> The confusion. The loss in so many small ways. The gains.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
OH THE GAINS! </div>
<div>
I see more courage, More trust, More repentance, More hope. More clarity.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Less shame. Less hiding. Less possessions. Less unrealistic expectation. Less time wasted, Less doubt. Less of my selfishness.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
More love received and given. More friendships strengthened. More adventures. More sacrifice. More storytelling. More redemption.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The same hard work. The same prayers. The same focus. The same forgiveness. The same God. The same desire to show others they matter more. The same appreciation of tenacity. The same heart for Haiti. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
More singing. More dancing. More silliness. More public speaking. More prayers. </div>
<div>
<b>So much more to learn, to change, to grow in, to release.</b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
OH DO I PRAY I TAKE MORE STEPS IN WATER-FILLED SHOES. Water-filled shoes remind me to relinquish, to be brave, to continue on and to remember from where I came. To remain alive and aware. </div>
<div>
<b>Love always</b></div>
<div>
<b>Your Daughter,</b></div>
<div>
<b>Brittany</b></div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-36697907805456305922015-03-06T12:46:00.000-08:002015-03-06T12:46:03.717-08:00For the Love of HaitiMom,<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Haiti is home. </span><br />
It was there that I met my teachers.<br />
Teachers who, like I, find joy in the circumstances God gives us...even though others might label such circumstances as "suffering".<br />
<br />
Until I have time to really bleed on paper, just know my life is changing...but my heart for orphan care is not...thanks to Haiti.<br />
<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-72237075010442537082015-01-06T17:01:00.001-08:002015-01-06T17:13:31.848-08:00Do You Know Where I Can Find A New Pair of Legs? Oh, That's on Aisle Three!<div style="text-align: center;">
Dear Mom:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Today marks my one-year post surgical anniversary.</div>
This past year of recovery has been absolutely nothing like what I had hoped, but I'm wholeheartedly grateful for the people who have been standing alongside me in the gaps of expectation and reality.<br />
<br />
<h3>
It is to those people, the people <b>who...</b></h3>
Fed me my peas because I didn't have the strength<br />
<br />
Brought me tons of things to distract myself from the Judge Judy marathons at the hospital<br />
<br />
Made my dream come true by playing the grand piano at the hospital for me<br />
<br />
Held my hand, or picked up the phone, while I cried in frustration with what I wasn't able to do... or with what wasn't happening at Intensive Outpatient Physical Therapy<br />
<br />
Would visit with me for lunch or dinner<br />
<br />
Would visit or call me every day I was in the hospital<br />
<br />
Brought me to Physical Therapy<br />
<br />
Took the role as both my physical therapist and a wonderful friend<br />
<br />
Carried and transported my furniture when I moved (too much)<br />
<br />
Came all the way from the South to spend a weekend taking care of me and going on wonderful adventures<br />
<br />
Gave me hugs.<br />
<br />
Brought me to church with you<br />
<br />
Saw me through wheelchairs...scooters..walkers...more types of walkers...and now crutches<br />
<br />
Made me smoothies with flax oil and peaches and all sort of healthy stuff I hadn't yet tried<br />
<br />
Brought me a meal and gave me some quality conversations in the early months<br />
<br />
Who watched me take "shots" of Siberian Pine Nut oil to get rid of my bleeding stomach ulcer (that was quite fun)<br />
<br />
Even in recovery would want me to consult on projects because, even on pain meds, they still knew I needed productivity<br />
<br />
Brought me to WJU to hear the choir, go to chapel, and get my cast decorated<br />
<br />
Took me in as their friend<br />
<br />
Texted or sent encouraging words, prayers, hugs, and love to me in ALL the ups and downs<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Believe I can get to Haiti...and who rejoice with me now, as<u> it's happening on Friday! </u>(cue dance music)<br />
<h3>
<b> ....that I say this: I couldn't have made it through the last 365 days without you!</b></h3>
<div>
So Mom, today at therapy part of me wanted to just give up and sit down because,,,even after 365 days and a somewhat surprise surgery in-between,,, I still can't hike up my left leg or stand on my right foot. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>But then I got home and I remembered all the great memories, and the mountain high hurdles that I've overcome, and (well, maybe) still having to say that I'm recoverying, with an ING, isn't really as frustrating as I think.</b> Why? Because recovering reminds me of all the people who have been, and I pray will continue to, be by my side in it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe I <i>should</i> keep working at that hip hike-- despite wanting to buy a new pair of legs on aisle three at Target. </div>
<div>
Thank you God for these 365 crazy days of life. </div>
<div>
<b>Love Always</b></div>
<div>
<b>Your Daughter, </b></div>
<div>
<b>Brittany </b></div>
<br />
<br />Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-1499304761796936662014-09-07T20:35:00.001-07:002014-09-07T20:46:13.513-07:00Voice. Mom,<br />
<i>(this is all one scattered ramble)</i><br />
I know you were not one for long talks of the Christian faith and its influence on life, but the truth is such things are of importance to me, even more so now than they were when you were around... if you can believe it.<br />
<br />
So if you're listening, I hope these things are of importance to you now too. I always prayed when you were sick that we could talk of these things... maybe these letters have become the answer to that prayer.<br />
<br />
In case you didn't notice, yesterday was the eighth month mark of my massive multi-part surgery. I don't know why that is such a big deal today...<br />
<br />
Mom, I miss you. I wish I could find that tenacity you always had in your heart, instead of the uneasiness I have now.<br />
<br />
Thank you Lord. Despite missing her, despite temporary sadness. Thank you Lord, for giving me the strength to use the walker inside the apartment;that ten percent of my time replenishes my hope.<br />
<br />
I feel a little trapped here at school. I LOVE my classes and reuniting with my professors...the new friends I'm making... I just fear that I'm going to get stuck in the "Christian bubble" and will forget what it means to implement true faith, true community.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to find my contentment again, trying to find my "life" direction...trying to find that paper somewhere that reminds me of the day He said there is a specific, great, lovely, and fulfilling call.<br />
<br />
---- Just keeping my head up and my eyes wet in thankfulness for what the Lord has in store. Focusing on keeping my heart quiet and my ears open, waiting for that voice to return and calm my spirit. It always does, if I'm continually patient.----<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-515209733643152542014-08-20T19:49:00.000-07:002014-08-20T21:32:36.839-07:00"Less Excess, More Faith--Party of ONE?"Mom,<br />
Sometimes it's so hard to dream. To have a dream, a desire, that is so much bigger than yourself. To yearn and work for that dream to become a reality, yet always feeling so far away from it...3,228 miles away from it to be exact.<br />
<br />
I'm sitting here in my room, packing. Yet again.<br />
As I sit next to a pile of books I'm thrilled to read and a pile of old journals I've skimmed through, all I can think about is the excess. I have so much stuff. So much un-necessary stuff. I've already given bags to Goodwill and donated books to the Library, yet I <i>still</i> have so much stuff.<br />
<br />
Over the last few months I've moved so much that, for a while, I had been "traveling" with roughly ten shirts. It didn't matter if I was at a place for two weeks or two months, for a while I just found it easier. Cleaner to live that way. It didn't actually bother me that every week and a half or so I had to do laundry, It just felt right. That lasted until April...what happened to that? ...Oh, yeah. fear.<br />
<br />
That's a silly example I know, but while part of me loves planning for "the future after college graduation in May", there is a LARGE portion of me that has learned to settle in with the idea of having very little. Maybe it is because my inner self believes that if I have little I can GIVE more. Not to say people with more than 10 shirts in their closet can't give more, many many many of my dear friends show that this is untrue. They are the most selfless people, those I love.<br />
<br />
I've been in this "season" (<i>ugh that word!</i>) where I've been really struggling with the reality that I need to be asking for help. I need to accept that others give to me because I'm in need: I'm the one who needs rides to the doctors and the one who needs encouragement when recovery becomes my worst nightmare. It's been...no, it IS, such a struggle to feel like I have so little to give to the ones I love.<br />
<br />
Maybe that feeling of being less-useful because of my physical limits (<i>you should see me become all antsy when moving day comes</i>) is why I think an emptier closet equals more opportunity to give. I want to give back. I want to give back regardless of if I'm in a wheelchair or refusing to use my cane.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't want to be told that my giving<b> must</b> fit inside the box of <u>MY </u>capabilities. I don't want to be told to give "as long as it's safe for your body" and deemed "appropriate".</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I don't want my body to cage my heart.</b> </div>
<br />
I serve a God that is bigger than my non-walking limbs. I serve a God that provides miracles. I serve a God that places in his children's hearts the desires to give and serve in ways that don't make sense.<br />
<br />
So tonight I have to believe that those dreams and those callings to serve and give are NOT there to just tease me. Though the word "desire" does not seem to even begin to encompass the passion and heart I have to go to Haiti, to learn from the Haitian people, to break all those stupid molds of "capabilities"...I have to believe that the desire to go give and be given to in Haiti was not placed on my heart to tease my limbs.<br />
<br />
For now then, I guess I have to fight for those dreams...keep working at my Creole lessons (<i>I just started last week, but I'll get there</i>), and believe that where I'm at now is not permanent. I have to believe and keep taking those small steps to this giant dream. My God is faithful-now only if I was more like Him.<br />
<br />
Well, here's to trying to be just that...faithful.<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-77185375523156193212014-08-12T11:17:00.001-07:002014-08-12T11:39:17.721-07:00Root Down<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">"<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px;">The fairest thing in nature, a flower, still has its roots in earth and manure."-D.H. </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Lawrence</span></span></div>
<br />
Mom,<br />
Sometimes I don't understand. I don't understand how our world works. How are we okay with hiding our truest selves and replacing it with worldly cares of image and success?<br />
<br />
I find myself these days very introspective...wondering when my motives towards things got skewed and thankful that I was able to take a step back and re-align myself with the things that matter more than promotions, money, comfort and the like. It is nothing short of extremely challenging to stand up for the beliefs and actions that go against the grain of this world, letting go of the security and kingdom I was building for myself and walk towards the path less comfortable. The path that requires more trust and less control on my part.<br />
<br />
Yesterday the world was hit with the shock-wave of Robin Williams death; a beloved comedian speculated to have committed suicide. For some reason, I can't wrap my brain around it. I just don't understand how a person who is in a field that is committed to bringing joy and laughter to others, could continue doing such things while a silent monster ate him alive. It makes me sad that people sometimes don't feel safe enough to be true to themselves, to vocalize pains and seek restoration.<br />
<br />
Now Mom, I'm not saying in any way that I have all of this down pat.We all have moments of fear that seem, to us, to be so paralyzing that we don't know how to save ourselves--we need others to fight for us. We both know I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to trusting in the midst of vulnerability, but I think that is why Williams death is so heartbreaking. It reminds me that transparency and vulnerability are painful... <i>at first...</i>but necessary for life. If Williams reached out in his hour of need and was completely honest, maybe his mind could have been changed. Hope restored.<br />
<br />
In order for a flower to continue to bloom it must root down into the earth, tying itself to a steady foundation and moving past the surface level soil in order to remain. We must do the same. We must, <i>I </i>must, walk towards the things in life that will allow for our roots to grow deep into the earth. <span style="text-align: center;">We must remain stable and tied to our foundation-who we were created to be- in order to rise and bloom into the great call on our life. </span><br />
<span style="text-align: center;"> What joy we will find when we live in that place!</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Independence comes from dependence on our foundation. If each person, myself included, walked closer to the call on our life and to the One who placed it there, maybe we would have less dissatisfaction and more bold faith.<br />
<br />
Then maybe as a result this world, our environment, would be a little less chaotic and a little more <u>life-giving</u> instead of life-taking.<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Love Always and Forever </b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Your Daughter, </b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Brittany</b></div>
<br />Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-5585108427639200952014-05-09T20:05:00.000-07:002014-05-09T21:06:21.679-07:00Written April 20th: Ladies and Gentlemen<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hi Mom, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has indeed been
months without writing, but I think it was for the best. Writing any earlier than
this moment would have meant that I would have left out the lessons I’ve
learned…unable to see the larger picture at that point in time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The week and weekend after
the Superbowl was truly a turning point in so many ways…It was a new
vulnerability for me and marked the start of a months time without weekly
visits from friends…but yet just what people I needed, just the birthday phone
calls I prayed for, to keep me thriving and so so encouraged. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ended my time
living in Rocklin (for now) after a restful and EYE OPENING weekend away at a friends
house…before the weekend was over I had decided to leave my at-the-time current
living quarters for something totally different, totally life giving. Two weeks
turned into two months and I cannot put into words how thankful I am for all
the things I’ve learned, all the friends I’ve met, all the prayers I’ve prayed,
all the tears I’ve cried over the injustices in our world, all the involvement
I have grown into with our church… different than I thought, but exactly where
God wants me…all the life experience and growth I’ve made.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m being filled and
healed, encouraged and tested in ways that I know can only be God’s doing.
After those two months I now have another new place to call home full of such
blessing and more growth, encouragement, and fun. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Almost-two-year-olds are such
fun, even on his rough days I’m convinced he’s the best out there. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Surgery recovery has
had its ups and its relapses but I've been busy. My favorite Georgia girl came
to town, I conquered a week in SLO, and am now in month three of therapy twice
a week. So thankful that if I have to be yanked and cranked on at least I’m
friends with the one who is doing it…a
new blessing for me in this surgery/cerebral palsy journey of mine. To feel safe and advocated for before the first visit to the clinic even began.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wednesdays have
always been my favorite day, the day of the week Sara and I usually get
together and last Wednesday that happened again. I just love lunch dates and
real life conversations. This Wednesday was just as fulfilling, this time with
a different friend. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m so thankful for
the ladies and gentlemen in my life…. For teaching me about this crazy thing we
call adulthood, relationships, service, and walking with God. Couldn’t be happy
in the ups and the downs without God’s orchestration and of course the
constant: family…and friends who are just the same as blood. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love Always and
Forever<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your Daughter <b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Brittany<o:p></o:p></b></div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-85123715344549753622014-03-03T14:45:00.002-08:002014-08-12T11:26:25.084-07:00Heart in Haiti<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mom,</span><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUP7FPjPtCSOPb8ciS15BzAcrE7QpB_4AnVdEd_7Xo6nplrbB8TRpSB7LTBj2_2C8goWbmcDoB36M_O_fh-QJtVxWJw8QyTTSdHrlWxhhAc5iJajaLF8Zz9m-8qABCjIkrDf9MaVJ_6M/s1600/land.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUP7FPjPtCSOPb8ciS15BzAcrE7QpB_4AnVdEd_7Xo6nplrbB8TRpSB7LTBj2_2C8goWbmcDoB36M_O_fh-QJtVxWJw8QyTTSdHrlWxhhAc5iJajaLF8Zz9m-8qABCjIkrDf9MaVJ_6M/s1600/land.jpg" /></span></a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will have to cancel the trip if a) I'm unable to raise the funds and b) I'm unable physically to walk to the standard I need to meet. I am confident that reason b will not deter me, after all I am your daughter, however reason a is up to others. All I can do is pray that God blesses me if this is truly what he wants. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>I was sitting in a wheelchair at church just a few weeks ago</strong><span style="background-color: white;">, saddened by the logistical reality that another year would go by without getting to serve in Haiti, as I have dreamed of serving the people there for two years now. It was Missions weekend, and I walked in broken-hearted that I would have to forfeit my dreams for my physical reality. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">God had different plans. Tugging on my heart for the next 14 days after, I couldn't get the trip to Haiti out of my mind. At first I kept fighting back with: "But God, I can't even walk yet...why are you saying go </span><em>now</em><span style="background-color: white;">?!!" </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">After intense prayer and consideration, </span><strong>It is now my goal, as I enter the hardest part of surgery and go to physical therapy, to be able to safely walk on Haitian soil from July 18th-26th 2014.</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I promise, you Mom, to give my all in physical therapy and do what is necessary to be physically, mentally and spiritually prepared for this step of faith. Now, while it is my responsibility to recover physically, my only hope is that others will come alongside and support me in prayer and donation towards this goal of $1,200. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My heart has been in Haiti for the last two years,I only hope I have the faith and the support to make it happen this July. </span></strong><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In another step of faith and uncertainty,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Brittan</span><span style="background-color: white;">y</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">donate <a href="https://www.youcaring.com/mission-trip-fundraiser/heart-in-haiti-missions-trip-with-bridgeway-/142739" target="_blank">here</a></span><br />
<br />Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-31510975504567792572014-02-07T13:35:00.003-08:002014-02-07T13:39:20.984-08:00Curve BallsHi Mom,<br />
I'm sitting here, staring out the same window, with the same black cat staring back as I have the last (almost) 3 weeks.<br />
<br />
A dear friend of mine just left after an unfortunate, but totally acceptable, rushed visit and this post is being written, actually by voice recording on my phone first...since I'm panicking and already forgetting the point I had to share. I'm imagining my friend is still here, because when people are here that I love, focus is here too.<br />
<br />
Recovery isn't as idyllic as it's portrayed. To be honest, I have not watched one full movie, only two Grey's Anatomy episodes, and not read a whole book. It makes me sad.<br />
<br />
I have peaks of focus, no stamina, and I work around all of those moments. I work at my peak and with an efficiency that I can only attribute to the prayers before, during, and after.<br />
LOVING the field of work I'm in helps a ton too.<br />
<br />
Everyone told me the worst (surgery) is behind me, and to prepare for the idyllic. What I've gotten is so opposite of that.<br />
I've gotten curve balls. Early post op side effects, still doctors calls every other day, fatigue, naps out of necessity, not journaling ( & no, blogging isn't the same) for a month, & taking two weeks to research hotels that would have taken an hour.<br />
<br />
Surprising to even me, this isn't a pity party post, it's actually the opposite. But in order to get to that part you needed to know the truth.<br />
<br />
Even with my old background in children's softball, I'm having to learn how to hit curveballs again.<br />
<br />
Even the simple ones. Working for 3 hrs 50 minutes & taking a 30 minute break, then finishing the last ten. Because sometimes ten minutes is a huge curveball, but it STILL is an obstacle you can overcome.<br />
I'm thankful for friends, doughnuts, prayers, cast art, early birthday cards, and all those short visits or small things that distract me from my fear of forgetting things. My fear that my small appetite will remain small.<br />
<br />
And I'm thankful for my friends subconscious acceptance of my apology for making visits sometimes too business-ey. I haven't quite yet mastered the art of answering your questions,& in our bubble of my focus, get to what I care about: YOU.<br />
Thank you friends for teaching me, slowly, how to hit a curve ball again. I'm so thankful for phone voice recorders....and here come the kids. Time to play.<br />
<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-64195479300848501812014-01-21T13:49:00.002-08:002014-08-07T17:41:08.935-07:00Medicated ManiaHi Mom,<br />
Considering this is the first day I've had the strength or to be truthful, desire to blog in any sense since surgery, I'm just going to bullet point some ideas I want to come back to.<br />
Here we go:<br />
<br />
-Hospital days and the things you block out from previous surgeries:<br />
I.e. IV's, your last moments walking and how all you want to do is sit down & chain yourself to the hospital floor, how you say before the pre-op room you have to go to the bathroom, but actually throw up out of nerves and scan for all the exits ( even from the fourth floor). How no matter how strong you try to be the doctor will always make you cry going over the surgery, and the fearful trip from gurney to the OR table and how you cry like an infant when your friends cant see.<br />
<br />
- post surgery: friends who stay, get "creative" with gowns, video record you, arrive just in the nick of time to stop you from feeling defeated and instead, spoon feed you peas in between delicious snuck-in donuts because you're too weak to feed yourself, fathers who will sing Annie with your medicated self, surprises of a lifetime on your last night, and sharing the gospel and connecting your favorite nurse aid to church!<br />
<br />
-why the hospital makes recovery seem ok, safe, less lonely...even without meds<br />
-what emotions, mothers, and new seasons and living quarters really mean.<br />
-the necessity of friends and family surprises, even if they are cities, states, and 5 minutes away.<br />
I'll be back soon. Even in the bad days there is light...even if that light is only in the form of funny dreams, hugs when you're too afraid to ask, or yoga pants.<br />
<br />
Love always and forever<br />
Your daughter,<br />
Britty.Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-62588524323585592462013-11-24T17:58:00.003-08:002013-11-24T18:03:38.176-08:00Audience of one. Hi Mom,<br />
<br />
My life has been a mess as of late. My list of phone calls doesn't get shorter- the names just get replaced. I'm churning out essays for classes without really even connecting with them emotionally. I'm spending my spare time searching Amazon for medical equipment, then having dreams at night of me sprinting, in all it's unknown glory, up hills and eating breakfast outside on a park bench--just like I've always wanted.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiohSRBMlY4E4Pzbig5dXwnOEwjKHtMqAER3bGkQE7mebCgGPncBTrk9-mGzP2ulWksm9B1hIIQ05TtGMU5FZKheKuTfEdHmH7L3EjYw8_Xjpm75iAbuLw1b9RrkLamrqVAsj7xjQHq2Eg/s1600/piano.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiohSRBMlY4E4Pzbig5dXwnOEwjKHtMqAER3bGkQE7mebCgGPncBTrk9-mGzP2ulWksm9B1hIIQ05TtGMU5FZKheKuTfEdHmH7L3EjYw8_Xjpm75iAbuLw1b9RrkLamrqVAsj7xjQHq2Eg/s1600/piano.jpg" /></a></div>
Mom, I've realized lately that it has been months without the piano. It's been months without being able to just sit in a room and listen to the sound of the keys creating a story.To sit in a quiet room, my seat the only one filled in the audience.Why did I ever have to fall in love with the piano?<br />
<br />
The desire to be an "audience of one" is so telling of my life right now, in more ways than just a need again for the piano. <br />
<br />
I have been convicted lately that God too desires to be my audience of one. Sure, I can't play the piano as beautifully as my 7-year-old self once could... but I don't think God would appreciate "Here Comes the Bride" on repeat for the rest of my life too much anyways.<br />
<br />
He wants me to speak with Him like I know that He took the time out of his day for me. He wants me to say thanks as if He had taken his lunch break and played the piano for an hour just for me.<br />
<br />
Because the truth is, we both know, that being an audience of one to a private piano concert is about so much more than my love for the piano. It's about the peace that overcomes my soul when I know someone is playing just for me. It's about me knowing that the music they are creating is God's way of saying "Daughter, I am here. I placed this on this person's heart to share with you, so that you may know that I'm looking out for you. I will speak to you the way you receive... and the way you can no longer give."<br />
<br />
God knows I can no longer play piano, and so do those who play for me. Yet, just as I desire to tell those who play for me that I am <b>here</b>, that I am <b>listening</b>, that I am <b>for</b> them-<b> love</b> them. God desires to tell me the same thing, not just through the piano, but in daily conversation as well.<br />
<br />
I better start practicing some; since my audience of one wants to hear <i>all</i> the sounds of my life.<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-77208219451598704032013-11-24T15:36:00.002-08:002013-11-24T15:36:37.747-08:00<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11314917/?claim=aw3h8updxye">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-12217609925055195982013-11-03T18:55:00.000-08:002013-11-03T19:00:22.664-08:00CRE·A·TIVE<div class="vk_ans" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: xx-large !important; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 12px;">krēˈātiv</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 12px;">/</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">: </span></b></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
</h2>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
MARKED BY THE ABILITY OR POWER TO CREATE</div>
Mom,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the full definition of creative according to Merriam's Dictionary. And while I have so much I could talk about, I want to focus on my
latest consuming thought: the creative process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having been working in my new job for two months now (in the office for 7), and
working on becoming a better leader and individual through my classes, I realize why it is I love what I do. It’s all about the
creative process. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have come to the conclusion even more clearly within
the last month, that one of the needs I have to meet in my life is fulfilling
the desire within my soul to create things. To be able to challenge my own
mind, to express the depths of my soul, to add to the creative sphere the lens in
which I see the world is something I need to be able to do. I need to do it in order to be fully myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need to be in an environment that can adapt, change, grow.
An environment that isn't constricted so tightly by rules and instead flows out
of guidelines. An environment that can be presented with a new spin, something
unique and interesting. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today is November 3<sup>rd</sup>. A day I dedicated to doing
absolutely anything I wanted to do. I have been feeling a little dry of
inspiration and creativity as of late, and so I knew if I was to sustain progress within my
professional life, and more importantly in my personal life, I had to remedy this
situation as quickly as possible. Having the outlet to be creative and having
the fresh perspective to implement such ideas keep my attitude positive,
despite other worldly things going on. Being creative and staying inspired is one
of the many ways I keep connected with God. When I create, whether it's words, images, designs, or events what is produced taps into a deeper level of my being. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Soooo anyways, I took today to rest and absorb. Goodness, it
was/is hard. I don’t really like allowing myself to be free with my schedule…my
weekends are often filled with a delicate balance of homework, fun, church, and
volunteering...so focusing solely on fun and my desires alone is hard.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nonetheless, I spent my entire morning scanning Pinterest,
looking up quotes, perusing blogs, finding recipes and diy projects and just
soaking in designs, inspiration, and beauty in nature and in tangibles. I then
spent time drinking coffee and (!) got my nails done (which is a rarity as I never
like to spend $ on myself—even if I sit and stare at my nails in awe of their
beauty for days afterwards). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After spending time drinking in the beloved brew of life and
sitting in reflection as Juan painted my nails a dark grey, I headed over to
the beloved Target. I wandered the isles of office supplies-making so many
rounds the staff had to make sure I didn’t need help finding anything THREE times.
Picked up a pine scented candle for my room—candles are another beloved thing
of mine I never splurge on. I then proceeded over to the clothes, taking my
time sorting through each individual piece in search of something olive green.
Olive or forest green is my favorite color this season and I’m thinking my work
space, and my wardrobe, needs to incorporate the love of this and teal. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though it felt like I was off the grid of time for
days(see what I did there?), it was only 3 PM at this point, and so I went to the park and straight to
the swings where I spent time singing to myself a song I have been working on. (yes, for reals). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I arrived home I went back to absorbing office and
bedroom designs, working through a few color schemes, doodling and journaling. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s only 6:45 and I’m struggling, after having read some,
on what to do with my time but I’m determined to not touch my homework. Sure, I
have a paper due Tuesday and another due Wednesday, but I know I work well under
pressure and I really need to learn to be okay with doing what I need to do for
my soul. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need to learn to be okay with the human need I have of feeding myself,on all levels. If I don’t,
everything suffers and my insides become empty. I truly believe any paper
written on an empty heart, an empty inside, is not only poor work, but it lacks
a connection to the writers soul. A connection that is required should a piece
ever have meaning to the individual.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>All this to say, creative expression is a requirement and a true passion, one that I need to stop ignoring so easily</b>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Love Always and Forever</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Your Daughter,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Brittany</div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-87901026109149936352013-10-04T20:31:00.002-07:002013-10-04T20:57:42.133-07:00Stand.Hi Mom,<br />
This morning I was standing in chapel, as I always do on Friday mornings, and I wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down because my left hip was tired, my legs were trembling from exhaustion, and it was a fight.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc3AFFGgLGKim2zgZ1hinlKt-V-u6g-taxRamuiS9vzOOFC9f-s4WqyxyRuNU8lLItQjpOqIaKfdu3cWDRrxeck2ew5Z1c88NMfnd_1RrSruZFg94oaQ35uY3nqJ9a-E21L5EBPjjcm_Y/s1600/blogg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc3AFFGgLGKim2zgZ1hinlKt-V-u6g-taxRamuiS9vzOOFC9f-s4WqyxyRuNU8lLItQjpOqIaKfdu3cWDRrxeck2ew5Z1c88NMfnd_1RrSruZFg94oaQ35uY3nqJ9a-E21L5EBPjjcm_Y/s320/blogg.jpg" width="221" /></a>It was a fight to keep standing. To hold back the tears. To choose life not death. To fight past the pain and continue standing, because it wasn't why I was standing, but who I was standing for,that mattered.<br />
<br />
I don't think many people actually understand how painful and exhausting it is, for a body like mine, to stand still. Honestly, for any amount of time, it becomes an immediate battle. A mental game...can I beat my body? What really are my motives for sitting- is it just to get out of the fight?<br />
<br />
In those moments of standing, every Friday, I battle insecurity.<br />
<br />
<br />
During chapel it's a little bit easier, as long as no one asks me to sit in the front row, I can lean on the chair in front of me and know that, at least if exhaustion kicks in, I have a little bit of barrier between me and the floor. Myself and embarrassment.<br />
<br />
But this morning. This morning was much more of a struggle than normal. For no particular reason, my body did not want to cooperate.<br />
<br />
But I stood there the entire worship set. I stood not because of pride. I stood, I stand, because standing and not sitting for worship is the ultimate sacrifice for me. Standing means that I have to trust God to keep me up. It means I have to take control of my pain through prayer, I have to rely on my faith, and believe that God understands I am standing during that time for Him.<br />
<br />
I am standing for everything that He has done in my life. For the people He has brought me. For the love He gives to me...<br />
...for the body He has given me...<br />
Regardless of how hard that last part was to say, I <i>am</i> thankful for a body which always reminds me of His joy. A body that provides me with so many tears, so many moments of weakness, yet so many opportunities for gratitude.<br />
<br />
I stood today. I embraced my weakness. I stood today because one day, the pain will be too much, and God will ask me to sit...He will force me to sit...and I will comply... and sitting will at that moment become my ultimate sacrifice.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">But until then, I will stand. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will stand for Him and I will let the tears of pain...let the aches... be what they may.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Momma, <b>I love you.</b> </div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Always and Forever</b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Your Daughter,</b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Britt</b></div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-51314311638874668262013-09-28T14:15:00.001-07:002013-09-28T14:20:47.794-07:00If tears could be colored, mine would be red. Hi Mom,<br />
This week has been such a growing, eye opening experience for me. In so many ways it has been just the same as all the others of this month: juggling two jobs, going to class, keeping on top of Skype conversations and writing paper after paper. Yet, in so many ways it has been completely different.<br />
<br />
Two of my classes in particular, both leadership courses, are completely turning my world upside down. It is both the greatest and hardest feeling. I love that I am continually challenged to participate in reflection and self-examination, yet with a deeper understanding comes a need for addressing fears and acting on gained knowledge.<br />
<br />
I now can accurately, and with complete belief and confidence, describe to you my God-given purpose. I have always known to some degree that the reason I am on this planet is because I believe others matter and I operate out of the principle of " Intentional investment", but to actually announce it in a room full of creatives (which included the band manager for Rascal Flatts), really defined it for me.<br />
<br />
This week has really been all about me spending time challenging myself and putting all I do and say up to that test. When I do (blank)/ talk to (blank)/ participate in (blank) is it obvious that my purpose for doing it is to make sure other people know they matter? Is it obvious to said person/ organization that I am being intentional and that " what matters to them, matters to me"?<br />
<br />
And if it is not, how can I realign myself to communicate my purpose? How can I improve? And when I say "improve", it is not to say that I have been failing, but rather recognizing that this life is about growth. No one is perfect, but if God has made it clear what my purpose is, I need to pursue it with everything I have to give Him glory.<br />
<br />
So why does this all matter, Mom? Because I realized that once I recognized what it was God has always been calling me to live out, I realized He hasn't left me. He still loves me.<br />
<br />
Those closest to me know I have been wrestling a lot with fear of failure. Fear that though my biggest dream is to be entirely independent, that somehow I will fail. That somehow I will forget to pay a bill, or not work hard enough, or whatever and my adult life will suddenly be taken away. Like if I make a mistake, it's all over, and I must go back to eating on the kids menu, sitting at the kids holiday party table, and living with Dad. And let's be real, we both know that I have worked waaayyy to hard to get away from the question "Would you like a kids menu?" That when the question finally stopped coming at 17, (17 PEOPLE!?!! REALLY?!) I refuse to be seen as a child, in that manner, ever again.<br />
<br />
The thing is though Mom, I've never believed that independence means isolation from help...how could I when the entire Christian faith is about God helping us, saving us, when we don't deserve it...<br />
<br />
And God really wants me to remember never to see independence as an isolating goal. I can still have independence and have moments of struggle. I thought He left me. This month, I had doubts that with all the struggles He has given me lately that He up and said "Well Britt, you're still you, so I'm going to cut you off from my good graces. See ya!" But He never did. He reminded me that He was there when I watched Him answer my prayers for my friends. I saw He was still there when I felt the love of those closest to me, as they talked with me,during a late night. I saw He was still there when, after an entire month dedicated to prayer, He is allowing me to go to Georgia and check another thing off my doctors ordered bucket list. I saw He was there when people still want to be my friend, and share life with me, even on the days when I don't feel good enough to have them around.<br />
<br />
He may be giving me challenges...lots of tears...uncertainties...decisions to make... but I know when I can't see Him that He is still there. He is still reminding me that the people in my life are His greatest blessings to my heart. They are the way I see Him move and love me. Every. Single. Moment.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<i>Love is seen in the outpouring of tears. Tears of gratitude for life, despite the challenges.</i></h4>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Love Always and Forever</b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b>Your Daughter,</b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b> Brittany </b></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<br />Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-57424516969259450602013-08-30T22:19:00.000-07:002013-08-30T22:19:02.801-07:00Unknown Moments.Dear Mom,<br />
The week leading up to your surgery you unknowingly had an obsession. An obsession with the Kardashians.<br />
<br />
Most likely due to the TIA's you were having, you became very forgetful. While such forgetfulness scared Shelb and I at times, (you forgetting you were lactose intolerant while Dad was on a business trip was a scary night for us), funny moments also came out of it all. My favorite was the week that you forgot you had already watched the Kardashian wedding on Entertainment twice before.<br />
<br />
It was a memory of you that I now hold dear. I remember very vividly that the wedding special aired on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I sat next to you for the 2 hour episode 3 separate times. 3 separate days. With 3 separate experiences.<br />
<br />
You were convinced every single time that you had NOT, in fact, seen this same episode/wedding a few days prior and though I mentioned it casually once, it broke my heart to spill the news that you had...<i> And</i> that all three times were with me.<br />
<br />
I couldn't muster up the guts to frustrate your heart and tell you that you had forgotten. So I sat next to you. I sat on the couch and listened to you repeat the same comments,of course unknowingly, from the previous time you had seen it. I gasped and was in shock over the extravagance and the crazy amounts of drama oozing out of that television screen with you, as if I too had no idea what was coming.<br />
<br />
Mom, you and Dad taught me well growing up never to lie. But that time- I figured it was okay... I wanted to sit with you in your reality. I didn't want to scare you by bringing up the idea that your brain wasn't functioning "normally" or that you "were sick and so you forgot". I wanted to protect you from fear, if only for that moment. I wanted to focus on loving you and not belittling you due to things that were outside of your control.<br />
<br />
I learned a lot in that silly experience. I learned what it meant to stand in someone else's shoes. What it meant to step into someone else's pain and carry it with them...even if they have no idea that that is what you were trying to do. Even if in their mind you are just enjoying a TV show.<br />
<br />
I also learned exactly the opposite of that experience, I learned in your experience. I learned that sometimes we all need someone who will be willing to sit with us and enjoy a TV show, even if their reasoning for doing so isn't exactly that. Even if their motive is to carry your burden, you can remind them that what matters more sometimes is not always the grandiose efforts but the simple, "normal" ones. From your vantage point Mom, from your experience, I believe my decision to watch the TV show mattered more to you than my efforts to carry your burden.<br />
<br />
That moment grew me...and I can thank the Kardashian sisters for always reminding me of that precious day with you.<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-20888733996435473612013-08-15T11:22:00.000-07:002013-08-15T11:33:42.399-07:00Hashtag Real Life? Mom,<br />
When I think of time in terms of this blog it seems to go by so fast.<br />
<br />
I have left for and returned from my one month missionary& teaching excursion in Germany already, & as I continue to process all the challenges and things I learned there I gain a larger sense of peace with it. Mom, my time over there was both one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences I have under taken thus far. While I know only the staff I shared it with will be able to truly understand what happened within me over there, I'm thankful to be home & able to share all my stories.<br />
<br />
Since returning I've landed with full force: tackling doctors appointments, being back at work (& working 3 times harder to catch up), and I moved into my new apartment!<br />
<br />
Real life has hit with no sense of ease, but a definite wave of eagerness to step up to the challenges.<br />
...<br />
I have always been a realist... I think you instilled that in me Mom...so it doesn't feel uncomfortable to me that real life isn't easy. To be honest, I don't think I ever had a fairytale version of adulthood anyway. <br />
<br />
For example, today alone: Shelb & sent Kell off to her school year adventure in France, I'm tackling a storm of ants in our kitchen (I guess they thought our walls were a safe home from the heat), and writing this post on my phone as we wait to set up wifi.And that's what I expected real life to be...<br />
It reminds me that in many weird ways, I'm thankful to you & dad for raising us in a way that prepares us to take on challenges, however big or small.<br />
<br />
In so many ways, several unspoken on here, I know the challenges I have coming to me in the future are so much larger than some ants and lots of tearful "see ya laters"...but right now I'm thankful.<br />
<br />
I'm thankful for the courage&strength that God gives me for this life. I'm thankful for a deep sense of love for my friends, family, and chosen family-- even if that love makes send offs harder. I'm thankful for "sisters" who greet me with a dinner date, after I've been gone for a month, with so much joy and anticipation an outsider would think it's been a year. I'm thankful for technology that makes getting support from now dear friends states, or countries, away so much easier. I'm thankful for you Mom, and all those in Heaven & on Earth watching out for me.<br />
<br />
I'm thankful for all the love poured out on me, even in the challenges of my "real life" reality. Oh am I so glad we never have to do this life alone...or else I know I would have given up out of fear long ago.<br />
Love Always and Forever<br />
Your Daughter,<br />
BrittanyBritthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-46564917874602035452013-06-13T17:36:00.001-07:002013-06-13T21:13:58.061-07:00Shoes and Chairs.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mom,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In our living room sits one of the greatest pieces of
furniture I have ever seen. It’s not special in the sense of expensive or grandiose,
but it is by far the best piece of furniture I have sat in. I affectionately
call it “The Dog Chair”... Dad and Shelb know it as, “Brittany’s Chair”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ever since you had your surgery at Stanford, this chair has
become MY chair, my resting place. I curl up in it, legs dangling over one of
the arms, armrest covers fall onto the carpet, and I just simply “be”.
Sometimes the dog will make herself into the tiniest ball she can and cuddles with
me... though most times she won’t. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This chair has been my only company in my deepest thoughts, the place I have written several of my blog posts, my reading chair, and my
one comfort in job searches and sometimes even homework... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dad asks me every once in a while why it is that the “dog
chair”,(a chair covered in material that contains dogs sitting by a fire, go
figure) has become <em>my</em> chair. Why no one else in our family sits in that chair,
but me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Well that answer is easy, and
yet to outsiders, it may seem silly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The "dog chair" was the last place you physically sat in our
house. It shocks me sometimes how many details of that insignificant moment I
remember... <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The last memory I have of you, the last moment you were physically in our home ,you were in jeans
and my favorite long sleeve shirt, tying your tennis shoes on a cold night in December. That particular night was <em>the </em>night... the night before your surgery at Stanford, after our early Christmas and a
visit from your best friend Joann and her daughter, you sat in that chair and
put on your shoes. They were the blue canvas ones with cream laces and brown
soles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>As you were tying the right one,
with your foot placed on your knee, you peered out the window to your left and
into our backyard. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">An occurrence that to
so many means nothing, to me meant nothing, now is the last place you ever sat
in this home. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That is why the dog chair is my chair. Because when I sit
there I remember you. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">In the oddest of
ways, something silly means so much to me.</b> I hope I never forget that
look on your face…the confusion and the uncertainty of what was next …and yet a
peace I saw in your eyes that we were all there, doing it together. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dad knows that he can never get rid of that chair. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t always
have to be in the house, but he knows he HAS to keep it for me. The day I get
my first real home it is coming with me. It may be two or three or four years
from now, the chair may become stained or tattered, but it is coming with me.
No question about that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The chair makes me feel at home. It’s comforting. It’s my
little place to think, journal, and just reflect. It is my place to look out
the window and dream about what’s to come. The dog chair is mine… and yet in
the very same way, it is yours. It is our meeting place in my mind and in my
heart. Silly but yet comforting, and that is all that matters tonight. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe, just maybe, God will give me a “dog chair” when we
meet in Heaven one day and we can talk in each other’s presence like we never
missed a beat. Thanks for always listening Mom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Love Always and Forever<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Your Daughter,<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Brittany<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
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Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-9801707946877608602013-05-10T23:12:00.000-07:002013-06-13T21:16:17.503-07:00Bleeding Piano Keys.Mom,<br />
Black and white keys truly speak when I can't. Fingers running at speeds I can only remember being able to produce so long ago... childhood moments turned into only dreams now. Timing being kept by the up and down of a gentle foot on the pedal or the floor. <br />
Desire. A deep desire to return to those days as a little girl, if only for a moment, when I could sit down at that bench and bleed. To share my deepest thoughts and emotions on the keys of that piano in a way that only that instrument can capture. I still dream about what it would be like to do it again...<br />
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The piano has always awakened the deepest parts of my soul Mom, but as " A River Flows in You" by Yiruma came on tonight... as I was transported back to a day with you in Carmichael... I couldn't help but be shaken by the sound even more than usual. <br />
The song: <br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-4wUfZD6oc" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-4wUfZD6oc</a><br />
I have no idea what stage we were in, but I remember the fevers and the tears were constants at this point in our nursing home visits. All I remember otherwise was a picture one of your therapists put up on the wall, of you petting a horse while in your wheel chair. And I remember walking through that parking lot one weekend, headphones in and Yiruma's piano piece playing in my ear, trying my best to muster emotional strength. Trying to brace myself for the smells, the unpredictable,the childish games, your tears or your sweaty palms. All things I never thought I'd miss to the depths that I do.<br />
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Mother's Day is Sunday, Momma, and I truly don't know how to feel. My last two Mother's Days with you were not how I wished they could have been. The most recent, our last on Earth with you, was plagued with tears through church service and fake pink flowers on your hospital bed-side table at Whitney. <br />
The one before that... honestly all I can remember is the guilt I felt. We had to eat at McDonald's and went shopping (very slowly I might add) because I was still in a hip-to-toe bright neon cast and could barely muster the strength to be out and about. I know you didn't really mind deep inside, but as your daughter it hurt that I couldn't give you the day you truly deserved that year. <br />
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Mom I listen to Yiruma and remember the tough moments, the moments of fear for your future, and reflect now in deep appreciation for them. Because though they were tough, they were still moments. Still pieces of time we could love on each other and spend next to each other. With each other in all possible ways. <br />
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<strong>Moments where the words "Goodbye Beautiful, Your Britty Loves You" didn't just flow through empty space, but actually into your beautiful ears</strong>. <br />
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I am thankful though, that Heaven probably is planning the best Mother's Day celebration possible--the one you and so many other loved mothers, grandmother's, chosen-mothers, second-mothers, spiritual-mothers, deserve. I am thankful for <u>all</u> our moments together, because deep to the core of those moments, reflected love. Love that conquered fear, love that gave strength, and love that gives me the ability to reflect tonight on the hard times and the Mother's Days as blessings. <br />
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This song... it reminds me of our times of growth, of our family's story, and of the love we shared... in your final months especially. What a smile it brings to my face...<br />
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<strong>Love Always and Forever</strong></div>
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<strong>Your Daughter</strong></div>
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<strong>Brittany</strong></div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214795360126300588.post-16152698128444679992013-05-02T17:34:00.000-07:002013-05-02T18:26:53.718-07:00Real Risks and Quiet Thoughts. Hi Momma, <br />
I've contemplated whether or not I wanted to share this aspect of my current situation publicly for a while now. AND THEN I realized, if I really love authenticity like I say I do, it would be wrong not to admit my weaknesses and share my thoughts. Hence what came out below:<br />
<br />
I know my Cerebral Palsy is an unchanging reality of my life here on Earth. Until further notice, it is medically incurable. But even though I recognize it is out of my control, I still get frustrated with my health, because realities have changed. <br />
<br />
As a kid Mom you know, options for improvement of the effects of my CP were endless: surgeries,leg braces, physical therapy, occupational therapy, home programs, muscle relaxant injections, and assisting devices. <strong>And I've done them all</strong>. Now, from the looks of it, my options for walking improvement are becoming far more limited. My feet would break the leg braces. My muscles are too tight to rely on therapies alone. Home programs, while trying to fit in as a somewhat-normal college student, is almost impossible to uphold. <br />
So we must wait. We wait for more appointments. More tests. Probably more X-rays. And then we wait for results. We wait to hear from the doctors on what to do next. <strong>We have to wait to figure out what my new reality is going to be... how to live within new boundaries...new limitations and an ever-changing and in-pain body.</strong><br />
<br />
Already, a day after a very important doctors appointment, I slowly and very cautiously shared the conclusions with a small group of lovely people in my life. The general response came out to be something like, "Well, you can't do much at this moment right? So just do whatever you are doing now to make it through to June"(my next appointment).<br />
...<em>But the thing is,</em> I don't think people understand the implications of that statement. The amount of pain I will have to endure.The fevers/ high blood pressure that comes and goes because my body is trying to fight off the pain. The frustration with being reminded every moment that you are sick. You are <span style="font-size: large;">weaker</span>, More <span style="font-size: large;">dependant</span>. .More isolated and <span style="font-size: large;">harder to understand</span>. More <span style="font-size: large;">different</span> than everyone around you.More different than the ones you love the most.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><strong> It's not just making it through</strong></span>, it's cherishing every moment like it's your last chance to do it as you wish, but living with the hope that it won't be. <strong><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's more than just making it through.</span></strong> It's figuring out how to make your life count. Despite what may come or what is present. <span style="font-size: large;">To be "you" when you can't feel like the "you" that you know. </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">(how does one even do all this at every single moment of the day?)</span><br />
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To say <em>"just do what you do to make it through"</em> is a lot more complicated of a process than one would think. Pain has and can change your opportunities and how you are physically able to spend your time. It means that I constantly have to struggle with how to make the most of absolutely everything, because who knows at this point where the pain is going to spread to from here or when it will strike next. To live in the balance between recognizing the realities and living in the hope of possible change. <em>And the best part</em>, trying to do that without scaring too many people with raw emotions or true pains.<br />
While I completely understand the logic behind the responses of others to "just making it through", <strong>I pray for the day when we would all (myself included) actually remember to put ourselves in the others shoes, even if they aren't the right size. Because that's what love is. </strong><br />
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I mean look at me...<br />
I came up with every excuse <em>not</em> to post this because I'm afraid someone won't understand or take what I say differently than the way I meant it <span style="font-size: large;">But what if someone needs to hear this? What if my openness encourages someone that they don't have to have it all together to be loved-- because I sure don't.</span> I need to stop being afraid of having a real-life. Mom, I need to be okay with giving people the truth. The truth that everyday I wake up with no clue how to make this all work. <br />
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No idea if I will be able to walk all day or end up calling someone almost in tears realizing that this pain I'm experiencing is real....that it's not some made-up-story, or something I can run from. It stares me in the face every hour of every day... and that's not something to be sad about, but something to embrace. <br />
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<strong>This is what I've been given and I'm trying, sometimes more successfully than other times, to be real about it...to acknowledge that I hurt, struggle, fear, doubt...that I am imperfect and broken...And then pray. Pray that others, the ones I love,will be there regardless...to love on, hug, and encourage me despite my real life.</strong><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The Lord has never let me down in this prayer</span>. He has been extremely gracious with giving me the cream of His crop to call my dearest, closest friends and blood and chosen family. A gift, so undeserved, that will always bring me to tears as I fall asleep at night or pray for them daily.They are the reason why I can be mad at my body, but not at my life. <br />
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Mom, I know this God stuff was never your thing but I want to leave you with a piece of my heart that keeps me encouraged for the future.They are words that emulates who I hope one day to become:someone who is completely abandoned to God's plan, despite the world's attitudes. <br />
(my morning prayer)<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong> "Hey God,</strong></span> I recognize my pain and my struggles. I recognize the shooting pain from my head to my sensitive feet. I recognize my pain and struggle...and I will not run from it! It will not defeat me because I am Yours. I thank you now for life despite this pain. I thank you for breathe to be able to feel this pain and recognize my humanness, my need for Your Promises and Your Love. <span style="font-size: large;">My prayer today and everyday is that, in a thankful response to Your love of my shattered body and broken heart, I love others deeply.</span> Spilling out my utmost gratitude and deep, real love for those I encounter, my family both chosen and blood, in the ways that they need.Lord use me I beg to bring others to Your side. I pray that my circumstances do not chain me and prevent me from holding Your hand today. I pray that my body does not prevent me from seeing <strong>Your glorious work and plan for my life</strong>. I abandon every piece of myself to You regardless of what struggles and emotions come my way.You are in control and I thank you for the gifts you have for me today. Amen<strong><span style="font-size: large;">"</span></strong><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<em>Maybe, just maybe, this post was God's way of using me to love on somebody today, in the way they needed: in real risks of authenticity.</em><br />
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Love Always and Forever</div>
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Your Daughter,</div>
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Brittany</div>
Britthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469980216536389670noreply@blogger.com0