Don't Be Ashamed of Your Shoes.

Mom,
I have to say it.

Last night I got home from work, took off my shoes, and saw this:

This is the shoe from my left foot. The foot always labeled "healthy, strong, normal". The foot without the need for surgeries. The "good" leg, not the Cerebral Palsy leg.

I had been wondering why rocks kept showing up in my shoe, this is why... the hole has been made already. 4 months in. My strong leg is tired, and I got lazy in correcting it over and over again. My fault for trying to fit in...accepting the facts is a still a daily battle...

Yesterday: I was walking down the hall, a favorite 1st grader of mine smiled SO big, waved and said "Hi Ms. Brittany"...then, as soon as I walked past, he turned to his adult aid and said "What's wrong with her? She walks really reallllyyy bad".

I clenched my teeth, and told myself to keep my head up...you know he just doesn't know, you're not actually upset with his response, just with the idea that the effort you put forth isn't recognized right now.

But why couldn't he have asked me?

A couple days ago: I found myself at church, it was a prayer/worship rally & the seats on the bottom floor had all been taken out for standing room only. The stairs were ridiculous, and even if I used them, the seating was arranged with nowhere for me to hold onto in order to stand up.

I panicked, and found myself wisely choosing to sit on the sideline, (where everyone had laid their bags) on the one row of seats that created the boundary line for the standing area.

I cried about it, sitting down, for 15 minutes. Then I closed my eyes, got to a place of acceptance, and imagined everyone sitting in a chair with me... I never opened my eyes again... until it was required for fear of crying again.

Most people were probably thinking I was getting rocked by God...nope, I was just crying& asking Him why I couldn't stand for 2 hours too.

Why the excitement over the night felt like a daydream?...why hadn't I thought about them doing this setup and set my expectations for inclusion correctly? Why wasn't I prepared? Why couldn't I see over people's heads at least?

I eventually accepted it and got over my "right to be apart of______", but those moments still come. Less often for certain, but never gone forever.


Tuesday: A new friend told me she was going to a healthcare conference that would be talking about people with disabilities aging into adulthood. She asked me my thoughts. I replied honestly and hope-filled. But I was also shocked within myself...to be honest,  I forgot that not everyone has as many obstacles trying to stay healthy and live by themselves as I do...

Some people don't have to plan for how to get heavy mailed packages from the front door inside with 1 hand.

All of these things are normal experiences for me...the ups and downs of my reality. I realized this week that yes, I may have walked on the treadmill or did my exercises and walked to church the same day, but the truth is: I know I can't let up.

I really can't stop because if I stop doing what I must, I begin thinking too hard and say to myself:

 Why do I have to do this when____

I don't even see any difference!

I did PT for 15+ years and what do I have to show for it, nothing- because I still have so far to go.

While these thoughts aren't TRUTH, they happen.

And I think today, while I love sharing in the triumphs of my lifelong recovery and improvement plan with others, I also wanted to share in the realities. That little things like having to go through the shoe buying process/all the "CP shoe requirements" again, make me want to be ok with going to work with holes in my shoes.

The reality that sometimes being gracious to where people are at & at some level being responsible for educating people on disabilities, is really hard and unending.

Sometimes I'd like to feel like church was a place I could show up and feel like I fit in every time. Not just when I get the right seat or attend the right type of events.

This is not me bashing on my church, or first graders, or the shoe company for shoes that can't handle me. This is none of that. This is simply me acknowledging that these experiences hit a chord deep in my soul. A place in my soul  that lies dormant most days, as I continue to commit to (always) adjusting to a world that's not in agreement with my body.

This is me saying: Hi pain, hi experience, you hurt me today and you are crazy& weird... but I am not those things. I am ok. I am loved. I am an overcomer.

This is me not pacifying my feeling or disregarding them because "I need to cut these people some slack"... because I truly know none of these painful experiences were because of the people who created/spoke them...they were painful because of a body I can't control or design.
So, I will leave these experiences here in writing to validate the challenge they are, and I will move on from them now.I will close my eyes and imagine the hope I will always have, of better days ahead with my community of (willing and kind) "disability education" learners.

And I will remember the poem I wrote to myself in 3rd grade, during Occupational Therapy:

Handicapped, Handicapped

Is it a good thing or a bad?

It depends on how you put it, but to me it's not that bad

Sometimes it can make you very, very sad

But as long as you believe, believe, believe in yourself and your worth

Everything is going to be okay

I know, my poem is probably worth millions ;) (kidding!)

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Brittany

Your Kaleidoscopes-- More of Jesus Response, Part 1

Rather than a normal letter, this post will be one of a three part series. 

I'm in the process of crafting a prayer for what "More of Jesus" (the church's focus for the year) means for me in 2016. Asking Jesus simply what these words look like lived out through me, according to Him. I then felt led, as I'm waiting for the words of my own statement, to write what you will read below.
It  feels so much like an anthem for the Church as a whole and I really just wrote it from a place of standing in my personal convictions. Ideas came from scripture-- I only listed one reference merely for myself...there are others. They also came from what I gathered/ concepts that stood out while reading Jimmy Seibert's Passion and Purpose  and re-listening to His vision message for 2016 online from 1/17/16. 

Father,

We know that revival begins with repentance and if we want to see radical, extraordinary revival in our lives, our church, and our sphere of influence we must be willing to open up every dark place within us and relinquish the conditions we have both unknowingly and knowingly set upon your power, and your love towards us. We repent for how we have lost our desire and capacity for authenticity because of the pull of the world towards compartmentalization of our lives, our relationships, and our souls. We repent for accusing, instead of asking with expectation: “where is Jesus?”, when we know that it is not that Jesus is absent in our lives... but that He wasn’t invited to be present in every area of our life. We repent for the things we have not consecrated to our Lord because we once were misguided by selfish ambition, the distraction of our pasts, the unfulfilling pull of comfort, and the lie that what you ask us to do is still not enough for a purposeful life.

                We declare that The Church is a multicultural people who hear God and send people to the ends of the Earth so that people are added to the Heavenly Kingdom day by day (Acts 11:21-26, ch.13). We stand with resolute hearts agreeing to pray prayers with purpose and boldness, knowing that God is inviting us to do the mission of bringing THE Kingdom to earth TOGETHER WITH HIM.

We declare that we are authentic in all things, living in full abandon to engaging the world around us and bringing His love and light to every place that are feet touch. We willingly give of what is Truth, regardless of how we are feeling,  because the power of the Holy Spirit is in us and uses us in ways that can not be contained by mere flesh and bone. We seep authenticity, which includes vulnerability and empathy with action to all those around us, regardless of their backgrounds, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, geographical location, or their ability to repay us.

                We do not wait for someone to go before us, because we are fearless in our humble beginnings because we ask Jesus and rest in what He says about all we do. Yes indeed, the ground has already been given to us as sons and daughters. Simply obeying what He calls us to start and proceed in is our role, nothing more or less. We live like Jesus goes before us in every area that the flesh declares fear or trepidation in, because we are not guided by the world.  We don’t plan history, because with God we live it… we joyfully run to the battle, equipped in all things because of time sown in secret with the Mighty Warrior himself. We stand on your promise Father, that He who calls is faithful. Therefore, as sure as the sun will rise we fix our eyes on you pervasively and submit everything about us as a living sacrifice.

Let us preach like Paul once did, shouting that we know the “unknown” God, and let us not shrink back by the response we receive. No, let us be willing to stand alone for the sake of declaring HIM. Knowing that every moment we take breathe is a moment that we let go of our idols and lay hold of Jesus more than anything or anyone else.

We lay aside all the extra weight, the things that are un-needed and unbeneficial in our run so that we can give space for what we are called by Your own words to do. We declare that 2016 is about more of Jesus. It’s about making Jesus the foundation not the additive. 2016 is about believing and seeing the power of breaking sin and staying free come in to life in all cracks, crevasses, and hidden places of ourselves, our church, and our community. We live out day to day, the knowledge that tweaking our lives will not prepare us to run this new race towards more of Jesus--radical change in every area will. We won’t let our strength be robbed because we viciously stand in our place of meeting with the Lord and wait for Him to speak so that we can follow. No other name is worthy. We rightly align ourselves with our Father because we need our strength back forever, not just for a fleeting kick. We’ve had enough of the sin and shame and will do anything He asks us to break its back because we know where to run when the stronghold is broken… and we fill the empty space with the good of the Gospel, the good of Jesus. You are our friend, our savior, our best Marvelous Comrade. You win so many battles we don’t see and we proclaim that today you will win the battle for our mind and our actions. Today you mark upon our hearts-More of Jesus. Even more than we could ask or imagine.

We surrender asking in our hearts for you to do more than prepare, but also give, because we want you to take your rightful place. Help us live authentically, even if it kills our image, destroys our fleshly desires, and makes us to be more like little Christ’s because the truth is those things really do scare us…but we want it anyway. Because courageously taking the MORE you will give us today, is worth the fleshly pain of our surrender. 

All glory to You, 

Your Kaleidoscopes. 

Delicate, Tender, Softly-Unstoppable Power.

Dear Mom,

After basically throwing back this book in less than a day-- these words keep me chewing: 

“You don’t feel your own power right now and I understand…yours is not the kind that wants to announce itself. It is slow... and quiet...and tucks in behind things-- waiting to be discovered. Some people have power that is thick and neon-colored, and races around the room making sure everyone pays attention to it… it's fascinating, but it's not yours. You are learning how to hold yourself up and believe in the strength of your own conviction. That is not an easy thing to do and you are doing the best you can. Keep going. I am very proud of you. "-Sara Bareilles, Sounds Like Me.

These recent months I've found myself in unfamiliar territory...funny how surrender seems to do that to a soul...drawing us to depth we never could see until we collapsed into it. 

Today was basically a "deja vu" of yesterday. I found myself planted in a Starbucks for three hours around the stroke of two... with merely my journal, Bible, and a pen. Chewing on all that God's been inviting me to. 

So what exactly is that? Well it's all a blur to me right now, but one thing is clear... 

--He's calling me to accept bigger plans for my life than I thought was available to me. 

The more I read Isaiah 61, the more I realized all conversations have really led to this...to the opportunity to accept the MORE, to believe the MORE is possible, that perhaps I'm even being prepared for it, like it's happening in my midst and I didn't even see it? 

My power may not be as exuberant or flashy as the others I see, but that is not a disqualification. The power God has set in me, He's inviting me to discover. To agree with what I find. It's been a journey to accept the call. My mind has known it all along，the words of Isaiah 61 ring true, but discovering it for my heart has been a slow uncovering. A peeling back...similar to the moment as a child where you peel off your fruit roll-up. You know it's worth it, but man is it a pain to find a corner you can start with (on a practical level)! 

God is revealing that the leader, the woman, He's made me to be needs to stand steady on the convictions that He places within me. To fight tooth and nail in courage and obedience for the fulfillment of what He's marked me with, the dreams He's planted, the restoration and radiance He's called me to walk in TODAY. He's promised so many good things of nations and rebuilding and spiritual work and beauty instead of ashes. He calls me to the announcement of the mission, the restoration and the new covenant that comes in walking the mission out, the rejoicing and the promises of blessedness for the church and it's people to be fulfilled...it's all too much to swallow. 

It gives me butterflies... of shock and joyful anticipation...to see Him bring it forth.

It's so gentle and kind that He reveals Is. 61 as part of the core of Is. 58. The one movie that triggered a catalytic reaction towards surrendering my life to God in its entirety for the orphan, the poor, for people...whatever His work and way. 

Yesterday and today were days of delicate holding. My heart feels tender towards all that is swirling within, the things that have yet to be confined to the meaning of words. I'm learning my heartbreak and my tears can be reminders of my soft, yet unstoppable power with Christ. The power to love far deeper than the world finds comfortable. The power to speak up, to claim the good in the room. The power to draw out the thankfulness... as we remember the monuments created from eternal celebration and victory of our collective past. The power to be completely me. The leader of a thousand unseen battles waged in words of prayer, hope, love and unshakable faith for details often overlooked. 

I think I've come to an understanding with myself that power IS slow and quiet, because it's not my power anyway. 

I'm not a flashy sort of person, but that doesn't mean that there is nothing to see--See God. 

See the slow, quiet, delicate, soft ways He's moving among us. His transformation happens in the gentle touch of His fingertip...His power can come in a controlled manner just as easily as a voiceterous way. He's waiting to be discovered in the tender, exquisite, graceful unveiling sort of ways of His power too. 

There are many ways of power, and I'm learning to embrace the journey of learning mine. 

We're an unstoppable force--a delightful pairing-- if I do say so myself, God and I. 

Thanks for already knowing that Mom. 

Love Always and Forever, 

Brittany

Hungry for Light.

Dear Mom,
I've attempted to write something 3 times since moving here, and somehow it just hasn't happened...funny how that is.

Yet something has been stirring in me these last few weeks and I just have to get it out on paper. Mom, I'm hungry and I'm thankful.

A re-occuring theme of our ADS class is that we are marked by hunger for more of God.  Staff and speakers alike have spoke it into existence and boy have we been living it out as a class! Yet with all this hunger there can come a complacency. A complacency that the enemy brings. The idea that tries to root when a people group is on the cusp of EVEN MORE...the idea that everybody already knows we're hungry so we don't need to do anything more...we don't need to surrender more, or claim any more victory, give over even more of our day to worship,  or fight anymore battles because the enemy convinced us that what we've given is already enough. BUT God wants more. He calls us to not be complacent in our hunger now, but to hunger more. To identify the walls we have. Walls that stand as the extent of how much we feel we're capable of dreaming with God, the representation of our fears, the limitation of what we think is all we can have in God.
The truth is though, there is so much more freedom to be had when we empty ourselves to the fullest extent, when we come to Him as broken vessels in every area. So much more to freedom when we decide to identify our brick walls, and then we punch holes in them. We let the light flood through. We give others standing on the side of the wall with us an "out"...a path to follow. By those holes we proclaim freedom and victory, and a desire to be even less so that He can be even more. 

When we identify the walls in our lives and then actively punch through them we are hungering for more, We are getting even closer to the feet of Jesus by the power of His blood and the word of our testimony. He gives us the strength and the opportunity to punch through the wall. It's not by ourselves. It's by our humility and our surrender. It's by our hunger and our action that follows. It's by GOD and submitting our piece of The Church to Him daily to be changed, molding, and directed by Him.

This is NO call to be perfect. This is NO call to not struggle. THIS IS A CALL to be broken, to be emptied, to embrace vulnerability and to walk forward (despite fear or inadequacy) with confidence that the Lord called you to give Him more of yourself. With confidence that the Lord called you to be beautifully broken every day.  To live out your messy-ness for all to see, so that they know the goodness in you is not you, but Him.

I'm convinced that my wholeness in Christ will not be found in perfection, or in legalism, but in relationship that invites me to thankfully and graciously accept God's call to be broken every day for His glory. To be humbled and transformed in every area, no matter the challenge or cost, so that I may join The Church in changing the world...by giving Him my entire being and serving Him by nothing of my doing or creating, but everything by God's power, courage, and utmost our relationship.  And it is because of this that I know brokenness isn't always bad or less than.

It's a messy process that won't end, but it's worth all I have to let Him take my life over... of that much I am certain.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter, 
Brittany 

Finding Place in Coffee Cups, Suitcases, and Household Floors

Dear Mom,
For the last three months every morning has started with a warm cup of coffee, contained in the same silver cup. I find such comfort in this little exchange of ours. Something about the consistency of it all just warms my little, relational heart. Such a simple exchange it is to pass off a cup of coffee, but yet it tells me so much about the person on the other end.

It means something to have a morning routine. It's an opportunity to show concern and care, even in the simplest of ways. It's an opportunity to show love and gratitude. It's an opportunity to show that you desire those people in your life because in all reality, it may at times be easier to do such acts yourself. But that's not the point. Sometimes independence cuts out an opportunity for patience, smiles and the every day surprise.

In the matter of two weeks I know this routine of mine will disappear once again, for a little while, and so I'm soaking up every second of that every day joy. I sure am thankful for that cup of coffee. I sure am thankful for the every day surprise that it is. I never want to be lazy of course, but that morning gift is just that...a gift. It meets me where I am.

I'm just about to start the process of packing and minimizing yet again...waiting and preparing to meet whatever adventure is lurking around the Waco airport in late August. This whole process of attending Training School and pursuing a more missional lifestyle has been a huge leap of faith thus far...and I don't see that leap touching down anytime soon.

It's been amazing to see the peace that is in my heart about the whole thing though. The logistics, and the idea of leaving the support system I have here temporarily, is daunting and at times totally fear-inducing. Yet, almost simultaneously, the anticipation to see what happens when I continue to keep giving this back to God (since everyone knows I can't figure this all out) is exciting!

So all I can really do now is plan to pick up my suitcases, start packing, keep minimizing...and pressing forward!
...And if after all that I still feel uneasy, I know all I have to do is sit down on the floor...because when you're already on the floor, there is no where else to go but up!
Love Always and Forever
your daughter,
Brittany

Water-filled Sneakers.

Mom,

I'm feeling alive and aware... even with so much awareness of brokenness and lack of_____.

My shoes have been full of water all day. And no, this is not just metaphor-they literally have been filled with water all day. 

Since January 2014, Rain has brought with it the need for bravery. To abandon the fear of falling; crutches losing grip and balance lost. 

You think I've never had a "bad word" slip out? Walk with me in the rain and watch my lips come undone, even if just on the rare occasions. Sorry God, my bad.  

The only word I can think of to describe it is traumatizing, Sounds silly, but when your body teaches you not to trust it, falling in the same section of walkway every. single. time. trauma is the only description. 

Maybe this is why my children's book series has "rainboots" in the title--it's a call to bravery.

Mom, even with the awareness of what I lack...the standards I'm not meeting as an almost college graduate (May 2nd!!)...and the loss of control--I feel alive and aware. 

Alive. Heart beating. Life changing. Morphing into who I've always seen myself becoming with God. 

Aware. Aware that such change and morphing is painstakingly slow, often confusing and internal before external. 

Mom, I'm beginning to celebrate the success of transformation taking root in my life and my heart in the last year and a half. I'm not the person I was January 2014, I'm not the person I was January 8th 2015. Some say you can see the changes via text message, but no the real stuff is seen when standing face to face. Take some time to stop making assumptions and see with clear vision the hard work it took to get here. The struggles, The support had and needed. The confusion. The loss in so many small ways. The gains.

 OH THE GAINS! 

I see more courage, More trust, More repentance, More hope. More clarity.

Less shame. Less hiding. Less possessions. Less unrealistic expectation. Less time wasted, Less doubt. Less of my selfishness.

More love received and given. More friendships strengthened. More adventures. More sacrifice. More storytelling. More redemption.

The same hard work. The same prayers. The same focus. The same forgiveness. The same God. The same desire to show others they matter more. The same appreciation of tenacity.  The same heart for Haiti. 

More singing. More dancing. More silliness. More public speaking. More prayers. 

So much more to learn, to change, to grow in, to release. 

OH DO I PRAY I TAKE MORE STEPS IN WATER-FILLED SHOES. Water-filled shoes remind me to relinquish, to be brave, to continue on and to remember from where I came. To remain alive and aware. 

Love always

Your Daughter,

Brittany

For the Love of Haiti

Mom,

Haiti is home. 
It was there that I met my teachers.
Teachers who, like I, find joy in the circumstances God gives us...even though others might label such circumstances as "suffering".

Until I have time to really bleed on paper, just know my life is changing...but my heart for orphan care is not...thanks to Haiti.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

Do You Know Where I Can Find A New Pair of Legs? Oh, That's on Aisle Three!

Dear Mom:

Today marks my one-year post surgical anniversary.

 This past year of recovery has been absolutely nothing like what I had hoped, but I'm wholeheartedly grateful for the people who have been standing alongside me in the gaps of expectation and reality.

 It is to those people, the people who...

Fed me my peas because I didn't have the strength

Brought me tons of things to distract myself from the Judge Judy marathons at the hospital

Made my dream come true by playing the grand piano at the hospital for me

Held my hand, or picked up the phone, while I cried in frustration with what I wasn't able to do... or with what wasn't happening at Intensive Outpatient Physical Therapy

Would visit with me for lunch or dinner

Would visit or call me every day I was in the hospital

Brought me to Physical Therapy

Took the role as both my physical therapist and a wonderful friend

Carried and transported my furniture when I moved (too much)

Came all the way from the South to spend a weekend taking care of me and going on wonderful adventures

Gave me hugs.

Brought me to church with you

Saw me through wheelchairs...scooters..walkers...more types of walkers...and now crutches

Made me smoothies with flax oil and peaches and all sort of healthy stuff I hadn't yet tried

Brought me a meal and gave me some quality conversations in the early months

Who watched me take "shots" of Siberian Pine Nut oil to get rid of my bleeding stomach ulcer (that was quite fun)

Even in recovery would want me to consult on projects because, even on pain meds, they still knew I needed productivity

Brought me to WJU to hear the choir, go to chapel, and get my cast decorated

Took me in as their friend

Texted or sent encouraging words, prayers, hugs, and love to me in ALL the ups and downs

Believe I can get to Haiti...and who rejoice with me now, as it's happening on Friday! (cue dance music)

    ....that I say this: I couldn't have made it through the last 365 days without you!

So Mom, today at therapy part of me wanted to just give up and sit down because,,,even after 365 days and a somewhat surprise surgery in-between,,, I still can't hike up my left leg or stand on my right foot. 

But then I got home and I remembered all the great memories, and the mountain high hurdles that I've overcome, and (well, maybe) still having to say that I'm recoverying, with an ING, isn't really as frustrating as I think. Why? Because recovering reminds me of all the people who have been, and I pray will continue to, be by my side in it. 

Maybe I should keep working at that hip hike-- despite wanting to buy a new pair of legs on aisle three at Target. 

Thank you God for these 365 crazy days of life. 

Love Always

Your Daughter, 

Brittany 

Voice.

Mom,
(this is all one scattered ramble)
I know you were not one for long talks of the Christian faith and its influence on life, but the truth is such things are of importance to me, even more so now than they were when you were around... if you can believe it.

So if you're listening, I hope these things are of importance to you now too. I always prayed when you were sick that we could talk of these things... maybe these letters have become the answer to that prayer.

In case you didn't notice, yesterday was the eighth month mark of my  massive multi-part surgery. I don't know why that is such a big deal today...

 Mom, I miss you. I wish I could find that tenacity you always had in your heart, instead of the uneasiness I have now.

Thank you Lord. Despite missing her, despite temporary sadness. Thank you Lord, for giving me the strength to use the walker inside the apartment;that ten percent of my time replenishes my hope.

I feel a little trapped here at school. I LOVE my classes and reuniting with my professors...the new friends I'm making... I just fear that I'm going to get stuck in the "Christian bubble" and will forget what it means to implement true faith, true community.

I'm trying to find my contentment again, trying to find my "life" direction...trying to find that paper somewhere that reminds me of the day He said there is a specific, great, lovely, and fulfilling call.

---- Just keeping my head up and my eyes wet in thankfulness for what the Lord has in store. Focusing on keeping my heart quiet  and my ears open, waiting for that voice to return and calm my spirit. It always does, if I'm continually patient.----
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

"Less Excess, More Faith--Party of ONE?"

Mom,
Sometimes it's so hard to dream. To have a dream, a desire, that is so much bigger than yourself. To yearn and work for that dream to become a reality, yet always feeling so far away from it...3,228 miles away from it to be exact.

I'm sitting here in my room, packing. Yet again.
As I sit next to a pile of books I'm thrilled to read and a pile of old journals I've skimmed through, all I can think about is the excess. I have so much stuff. So much un-necessary stuff. I've already given bags to Goodwill and donated books to the Library, yet I still have so much stuff.

Over the last few months I've moved so much that, for a while, I had been "traveling" with roughly ten shirts. It didn't matter if I was at a place for two weeks or two months, for a while I just found it easier. Cleaner to live that way. It didn't actually bother me that every week and a half or so I had to do laundry, It just felt right. That lasted until April...what happened to that? ...Oh, yeah. fear.

That's a silly example I know, but while part of me loves planning for "the future after college graduation in May", there is a LARGE portion of me that has learned to settle in with the idea of having very little. Maybe it is because my inner self believes that if I have little I can GIVE more. Not to say people with more than 10 shirts in their closet can't give more, many many many of my dear friends show that this is untrue. They are the most selfless people, those I love.

 I've been in this "season" (ugh that word!) where I've been really struggling with the reality that I need to be asking for help.  I need to accept that others give to me because I'm in need: I'm the one who needs rides to the doctors and the one who needs encouragement when recovery becomes my worst nightmare. It's been...no, it IS, such a struggle to feel like I have so little to give to the ones I love.

 Maybe that feeling of being less-useful because of my physical limits (you should see me become all antsy when moving day comes) is why I think an emptier closet equals more opportunity to give. I want to give back. I want to give back regardless of if I'm in a wheelchair or refusing to use my cane.

I don't want to be told that my giving must fit inside the box of MY capabilities.  I don't want to be told to give "as long as it's safe  for your body" and deemed "appropriate".

  I don't want my body to cage my heart.  

I serve a God that is bigger than my non-walking limbs. I serve a God that provides miracles. I serve a God that places in his children's hearts the desires to give and serve in ways that don't make sense.

So tonight I have to believe that those dreams and those callings to serve and give are NOT there to just tease me. Though the word "desire" does not seem to even begin to encompass the passion and heart I have to go to Haiti, to learn from the Haitian people, to break all those stupid molds of "capabilities"...I have to believe that the desire to go give and be given to in Haiti was not placed on my heart to tease my limbs.

 For now then, I guess I have to fight for those dreams...keep working at my Creole lessons (I just started last week, but I'll get there), and believe that where I'm at now is not permanent. I have to believe and keep taking those small steps to this giant dream. My God is faithful-now only if I was more like Him.

Well, here's to trying to be just that...faithful.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

Root Down

"The fairest thing in nature, a flower, still has its roots in earth and manure."-D.H. Lawrence

Mom,
Sometimes I don't understand. I don't understand how our world works. How are we okay with hiding our truest selves and replacing it with worldly cares of image and success?

 I find myself these days very introspective...wondering when my motives towards things got skewed and thankful that I was able to take a step back and re-align myself with the things that matter more than promotions, money, comfort and the like. It is nothing short of extremely challenging to stand up for the beliefs and actions that go against the grain of this world, letting go of the security and kingdom I was building for myself and walk towards the path less comfortable. The path that requires more trust and less control on my part.

Yesterday the world was hit with the shock-wave of Robin Williams death; a beloved comedian speculated to have committed suicide. For some reason, I can't wrap my brain around it. I just don't understand how a person who is in a field that is committed to bringing joy and laughter to others, could continue doing such things while a silent monster ate him alive. It makes me sad that people sometimes don't feel safe enough to be true to themselves, to vocalize pains and seek restoration.

Now Mom, I'm not saying in any way that I have all of this down pat.We all have moments of fear that seem, to us, to be so paralyzing  that we don't know how to save ourselves--we need others to fight for us.  We both know I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to trusting in the midst of vulnerability, but I think that is why Williams death is so heartbreaking. It reminds me that transparency and vulnerability are painful... at first...but necessary for life. If Williams reached out in his hour of need and was completely honest, maybe his mind could have been changed. Hope restored.

In order for a flower to continue to bloom it must root down into the earth, tying itself to a steady foundation and moving past the surface level soil in order to remain. We must do the same. We must, I must, walk towards the things in life that will allow for our roots to grow deep into the earth. We must remain stable and tied to our foundation-who we were created to be- in order to rise and bloom into the great call on our life. 
                                        What joy we will find when we live in that place!

Independence comes from dependence on our foundation. If each person, myself included, walked closer to the call on our life and to the One who placed it there, maybe we would have less dissatisfaction and more bold faith.

Then maybe as a result this world, our environment, would be a little less chaotic and a little more life-giving instead of life-taking.

Love Always and Forever 

Your Daughter, 

Brittany

Written April 20th: Ladies and Gentlemen

Hi Mom,

It has indeed been months without writing, but I think it was for the best. Writing any earlier than this moment would have meant that I would have left out the lessons I’ve learned…unable to see the larger picture at that point in time.

The week and weekend after the Superbowl was truly a turning point in so many ways…It was a new vulnerability for me and marked the start of a months time without weekly visits from friends…but yet just what people I needed, just the birthday phone calls I prayed for, to keep me thriving and so so encouraged.

I ended my time living in Rocklin (for now) after a restful and EYE OPENING weekend away at a friends house…before the weekend was over I had decided to leave my at-the-time current living quarters for something totally different, totally life giving. Two weeks turned into two months and I cannot put into words how thankful I am for all the things I’ve learned, all the friends I’ve met, all the prayers I’ve prayed, all the tears I’ve cried over the injustices in our world, all the involvement I have grown into with our church… different than I thought, but exactly where God wants me…all the life experience and growth I’ve made.

I’m being filled and healed, encouraged and tested in ways that I know can only be God’s doing. After those two months I now have another new place to call home full of such blessing and more growth, encouragement, and fun. 

Almost-two-year-olds are such fun, even on his rough days I’m convinced he’s the best out there.

Surgery recovery has had its ups and its relapses but I've been busy. My favorite Georgia girl came to town, I conquered a week in SLO, and am now in month three of therapy twice a week. So thankful that if I have to be yanked and cranked on at least I’m friends  with the one who is doing it…a new blessing for me in this surgery/cerebral palsy journey of mine. To feel safe and advocated for before the first visit to the clinic even began.

Wednesdays have always been my favorite day, the day of the week Sara and I usually get together and last Wednesday that happened again. I just love lunch dates and real life conversations. This Wednesday was just as fulfilling, this time with a different friend.

I’m so thankful for the ladies and gentlemen in my life…. For teaching me about this crazy thing we call adulthood, relationships, service, and walking with God. Couldn’t be happy in the ups and the downs without God’s orchestration and of course the constant: family…and friends who are just the same as blood.

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter

Brittany

Heart in Haiti

Mom,

I will have to cancel the trip if a) I'm unable to raise the funds and b) I'm unable physically to walk to the standard I need to meet. I am confident that reason b will not deter me, after all I am your daughter, however reason a is up to others. All I can do is pray that God blesses me if this is truly what he wants. 
I was sitting in a wheelchair at church just a few weeks ago, saddened by the logistical reality that another year would go by without getting to serve in Haiti, as I have dreamed of serving the people there for two years now.  It was Missions weekend, and I walked in broken-hearted that I would have to forfeit my dreams for my physical reality. 


God had different plans. Tugging on my heart for the next 14 days after, I couldn't get the trip to Haiti out of my mind. At first I kept fighting back with: "But God, I can't even walk yet...why are you saying go now?!!" 

After intense prayer and consideration, It is now my goal, as I enter the hardest part of surgery and go to physical therapy, to be able to safely walk on Haitian soil from July 18th-26th 2014.

I promise, you Mom, to give my all in physical therapy and do what is necessary to be physically, mentally and spiritually prepared for this step of faith. Now, while it is my responsibility to recover physically, my only hope is that others will come alongside and support me in prayer and donation towards this goal of $1,200. 


My heart has been in Haiti for the last two years,I only hope I have the faith and the support to make it happen this July. 
In another step of faith and uncertainty,
Brittany
donate here

Curve Balls

Hi Mom,
I'm sitting here, staring out the same window, with the same black cat staring back as I have the last (almost) 3 weeks.

A dear friend of mine just left after an unfortunate, but totally acceptable, rushed visit and this post is being written, actually by voice recording on my phone first...since I'm panicking and already forgetting the point I had to share. I'm imagining my friend is still here, because when people are here that I love, focus is here too.

Recovery isn't as idyllic as it's portrayed. To be honest, I have not watched one full movie, only two Grey's Anatomy episodes, and not read a whole book. It makes me sad.

I have peaks of focus, no stamina, and I work around all of those moments. I work at my peak and with an efficiency that I can only attribute to the prayers before, during, and after.
LOVING the field of work I'm in helps a ton too.

Everyone told me the worst (surgery) is behind me, and to prepare for the idyllic. What I've gotten is so opposite of that.
I've gotten curve balls. Early post op side effects, still doctors calls every other day, fatigue, naps out of necessity, not journaling ( & no, blogging isn't the same) for a month, & taking two weeks to research hotels that would have taken an hour.

Surprising to even me, this isn't a pity party post, it's actually the opposite. But in order to get to that part you needed to know the truth.

Even with my old background in children's softball, I'm having to learn how to hit curveballs again.

Even the simple ones. Working for 3 hrs 50 minutes & taking a 30 minute break, then finishing the last ten. Because sometimes ten minutes is a huge curveball, but it STILL is an obstacle you can overcome.
I'm thankful for friends, doughnuts, prayers, cast art, early birthday cards, and all those short visits or small things that distract me from my fear of forgetting things. My fear that my small appetite will remain small.

And I'm thankful for my friends subconscious acceptance of my apology for making visits sometimes too business-ey. I haven't quite yet mastered the art of answering your questions,& in our bubble of my focus, get to what I care about: YOU.
Thank you friends for teaching me, slowly, how to hit a curve ball again. I'm so thankful for phone voice recorders....and here come the kids. Time to play.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

Medicated Mania

Hi Mom,
Considering this is the first day I've had the strength or to be truthful, desire to blog in any sense since surgery, I'm just going to bullet point some ideas I want to come back to.
Here we go:

-Hospital days and the things you block out from previous surgeries:
 I.e. IV's, your last moments walking and how all you want to do is sit down & chain yourself to the hospital floor, how you say before the pre-op room you have to go to the bathroom, but actually throw up out of nerves and scan for all the exits ( even from the fourth floor). How no matter how strong you try to be the doctor will always make you cry going over the surgery, and the fearful trip from gurney to the OR table and how you cry like an infant when your friends cant see.

- post surgery: friends who stay, get "creative" with gowns, video record you, arrive just in the nick of time to stop you from feeling defeated and instead, spoon feed you peas in between delicious snuck-in donuts because you're too weak to feed yourself, fathers who will sing Annie with your medicated self, surprises of a lifetime on your last night, and sharing the gospel and connecting your favorite nurse aid to church!

-why the hospital makes recovery seem ok, safe, less lonely...even without meds
-what emotions, mothers, and new seasons and living quarters really mean.
-the necessity of friends and family surprises, even if they are  cities, states, and 5 minutes away.
I'll be back soon. Even in the bad days there is light...even if that light is only in the form of funny dreams, hugs when you're too afraid to ask, or yoga pants.

Love always and forever
Your daughter,
Britty.

Audience of one.

Hi Mom,

My life has been a mess as of late. My list of phone calls doesn't get shorter- the names just get replaced. I'm churning out essays for classes without really even connecting with them emotionally. I'm spending my spare time searching Amazon for medical equipment, then having dreams at night of me sprinting, in all it's unknown glory, up hills and eating breakfast outside on a park bench--just like I've always wanted.

Mom, I've realized lately that it has been months without the piano. It's been months without being able to just sit in a room and listen to the sound of the keys creating a story.To sit in a quiet room, my seat the only one filled in the audience.Why did I ever have to fall in love with the piano?

The desire to be an "audience of one" is so telling of my life right now, in more ways than just a need again for the piano.

I have been convicted lately that God too desires to be my audience of one. Sure, I can't play the piano as beautifully as my 7-year-old self once could... but I don't think God would appreciate "Here Comes the Bride" on repeat for the rest of my life too much anyways.

 He wants me to speak with Him like I know that He took the time out of his day for me. He wants me to say thanks as if He had taken his lunch break and played the piano for an hour just for me.

 Because the truth is, we both know, that being an audience of one to a private piano concert is about so much more than my love for the piano. It's about the peace that overcomes my soul when I know someone is playing just for me. It's about me knowing that the music they are creating is God's way of saying "Daughter, I am here. I placed this on this person's heart to share with you, so that you may know that I'm looking out for you. I will speak to you the way you receive... and the way you can no longer give."

God knows I can no longer play piano, and so do those who play for me. Yet, just as I desire to tell those who play for me that I am here, that I am listening, that I am for them- love them. God desires to tell me the same thing, not just through the piano, but in daily conversation as well.

I better start practicing some; since my audience of one wants to hear all the sounds of my life.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

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CRE·A·TIVE

krēˈātiv/: 

MARKED BY THE ABILITY OR POWER TO CREATE

Mom,

This is the full definition of creative according to Merriam's Dictionary. And while I have so much I could talk about, I want to focus on my latest consuming thought: the creative process.

Having been working in my new job for two months now (in the office for 7), and working on becoming a better leader and individual through my classes, I realize why it is I love what I do. It’s all about the creative process.

I have come to the conclusion even more clearly within the last month, that one of the needs I have to meet in my life is fulfilling the desire within my soul to create things. To be able to challenge my own mind, to express the depths of my soul, to add to the creative sphere the lens in which I see the world is something I need to be able to do. I need to do it in order to be fully myself.

I need to be in an environment that can adapt, change, grow. An environment that isn't constricted so tightly by rules and instead flows out of guidelines. An environment that can be presented with a new spin, something unique and interesting.

Today is November 3^rd. A day I dedicated to doing absolutely anything I wanted to do. I have been feeling a little dry of inspiration and creativity as of late, and so I knew if I was to sustain progress within my professional life, and more importantly in my personal life, I had to remedy this situation as quickly as possible. Having the outlet to be creative and having the fresh perspective to implement such ideas keep my attitude positive, despite other worldly things going on. Being creative and staying inspired is one of the many ways I keep connected with God. When I create, whether it's words, images, designs, or events what is produced taps into a deeper level of my being. 

Soooo anyways, I took today to rest and absorb. Goodness, it was/is hard. I don’t really like allowing myself to be free with my schedule…my weekends are often filled with a delicate balance of homework, fun, church, and volunteering...so focusing solely on fun and my desires alone is hard.

Nonetheless, I spent my entire morning scanning Pinterest, looking up quotes, perusing blogs, finding recipes and diy projects and just soaking in designs, inspiration, and beauty in nature and in tangibles. I then spent time drinking coffee and (!) got my nails done (which is a rarity as I never like to spend $ on myself—even if I sit and stare at my nails in awe of their beauty for days afterwards).  

After spending time drinking in the beloved brew of life and sitting in reflection as Juan painted my nails a dark grey, I headed over to the beloved Target. I wandered the isles of office supplies-making so many rounds the staff had to make sure I didn’t need help finding anything THREE times. Picked up a pine scented candle for my room—candles are another beloved thing of mine I never splurge on. I then proceeded over to the clothes, taking my time sorting through each individual piece in search of something olive green. Olive or forest green is my favorite color this season and I’m thinking my work space, and my wardrobe, needs to incorporate the love of this and teal.

       Even though it felt like I was off the grid of time for days(see what I did there?), it was only 3 PM at this point, and so I went to the park and straight to the swings where I spent time singing to myself a song I have been working on. (yes, for reals).

When I arrived home I went back to absorbing office and bedroom designs, working through a few color schemes, doodling and journaling.

       It’s only 6:45 and I’m struggling, after having read some, on what to do with my time but I’m determined to not touch my homework. Sure, I have a paper due Tuesday and another due Wednesday, but I know I work well under pressure and I really need to learn to be okay with doing what I need to do for my soul. 

I need to learn to be okay with the human need I have of feeding myself,on all levels. If I don’t, everything suffers and my insides become empty. I truly believe any paper written on an empty heart, an empty inside, is not only poor work, but it lacks a connection to the writers soul. A connection that is required should a piece ever have meaning to the individual.

All this to say, creative expression is a requirement and a true passion, one that I need to stop ignoring so easily. 

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Brittany

Stand.

Hi Mom,
This morning I was standing in chapel, as I always do on Friday mornings, and  I wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down because my left hip was tired, my legs were trembling from exhaustion, and it was a fight.

It was a fight to keep standing. To hold back the tears. To choose life not death. To fight past the pain and continue standing, because it wasn't why I was standing, but who I was standing for,that mattered.

I don't think many people actually understand how painful and exhausting it is, for a body like mine, to stand still. Honestly, for any amount of time, it becomes an immediate battle. A mental game...can I beat my body? What really are my motives for sitting- is it just to get out of the fight?

In those moments of standing, every Friday, I battle insecurity.


During chapel it's a little bit easier, as long as no one asks me to sit in the front row, I can lean on the chair in front of me and know that, at least if exhaustion kicks in, I have a little bit of barrier between me and the floor. Myself and embarrassment.

But this morning. This morning was much more of a struggle than normal. For no particular reason, my body did not want to cooperate.

But I stood there the entire worship set. I stood not because of pride. I stood, I stand, because standing and not sitting for worship is the ultimate sacrifice for me. Standing means that I have to trust God to keep me up. It means I have to take control of my pain through prayer, I have to rely on my faith, and believe that God understands I am standing during that time for Him.

I am standing for everything that He has done in my life. For the people He has brought me. For the love He gives to me...
                               ...for the body He has given me...
Regardless of how hard that last part was to say, I am thankful for a body which always reminds me of His joy. A body that provides me with so many tears, so many moments of weakness, yet so many opportunities for gratitude.

I stood today. I embraced my weakness. I stood today because one day, the pain will be too much, and God will ask me to sit...He will force me to sit...and I will comply... and sitting will at that moment become my ultimate sacrifice.

But until then, I will stand. 

I will stand for Him and I will let the tears of pain...let the aches... be what they may.

Momma, I love you. 

Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Britt

If tears could be colored, mine would be red.

Hi Mom,
This week has been such a growing, eye opening experience for me. In so many ways it has been just the same as all the others of this month: juggling two jobs, going to class, keeping on top of Skype conversations and writing paper after paper. Yet, in so many ways it has been completely different.

Two of my classes in particular, both leadership courses, are completely turning my world upside down. It is both the greatest and hardest feeling. I love that I am continually challenged to participate in reflection and self-examination, yet with a deeper understanding comes a need for addressing fears and acting on gained knowledge.

I now can accurately, and with complete belief and confidence, describe to you my God-given purpose. I have always known to some degree that the reason I am on this planet is because I believe others matter and I operate out of  the principle of " Intentional investment", but to actually announce it in a room full of creatives (which included the band manager for Rascal Flatts), really defined it for me.

This week has really been all about me spending time challenging myself and putting all I do and say up to that test. When I do (blank)/ talk to (blank)/ participate in (blank) is it obvious that my purpose for doing it is to make sure other people know they matter? Is it obvious to said person/ organization that I am being intentional and that " what matters to them, matters to me"?

And if it is not, how can I realign myself to communicate my purpose? How can I improve? And when I say "improve", it is not to say that I have been failing, but rather recognizing that this life is about growth. No one is perfect, but if God has made it clear what my purpose is, I need to pursue it with everything I have to give Him glory.

So why does this all matter, Mom? Because I realized that once I recognized what it was God has always been calling me to live out, I realized He hasn't left me. He still loves me.

Those closest to me know I have been wrestling a lot with fear of failure. Fear that though my biggest dream is to be entirely independent, that somehow I will fail. That somehow I will forget to pay a bill, or not work hard enough, or whatever and my adult life will suddenly be taken away. Like if I make a mistake, it's all over, and I must go back to eating on the kids menu, sitting at the kids holiday party table,  and living with Dad. And let's be real, we both know that I have worked waaayyy to hard to get away from the question "Would you like a kids menu?"  That when the question finally stopped coming at 17, (17 PEOPLE!?!! REALLY?!) I refuse to be seen as a child, in that manner, ever again.

The thing is though Mom, I've never believed that independence means isolation from help...how could I when the entire Christian faith is about God helping us, saving us, when we don't deserve it...

And God really wants me to remember never to see independence as an isolating goal. I can still have independence and have moments of struggle. I thought He left me. This month, I had doubts that with all the struggles He has given me lately that He up and said "Well Britt, you're still you, so I'm going to cut you off from my good graces. See ya!" But He never did. He reminded me that He was there when I watched Him answer my prayers for my friends. I saw He was still there when I felt the love of those closest to me, as they talked with me,during a late night. I saw He was still there when, after an entire month dedicated to prayer, He is allowing me to go to Georgia and check another thing off my doctors ordered bucket list.  I saw He was there when people still want to be my friend, and share life with me, even on the days when I don't feel good enough to have them around.

He may be giving me challenges...lots of tears...uncertainties...decisions to make... but I know when I can't see Him that He is still there. He is still reminding me that the people in my life are His greatest blessings to my heart. They are the way I see Him move and love me. Every. Single. Moment.

  Love is seen in the outpouring of tears. Tears of gratitude for life, despite the challenges.

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

 Brittany