Thoughts. Hopes. Dreams.

Mom,
Tonight so many thoughts are brewing in my mind...none of which, I have to admit, are connected. Because if this, tonight will just be a spew of thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I will be writing it in a neat list...I don't really know why, it just seems appropriate.

1. I am currently looking at my copy of Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre and tracing my fingers over dad's note inside. There is something so touching to me when I receive a book with a hand written note in it. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

2.When I close my eyes right now I imagine myself dancing alone on  stage in front of hundreds of people, and to my surprise, nailing Stephen's Children of Eden choreography.

3.I have Adele's song "Someone like You" on repeat. When I allow myself to escape reality I imagine this song playing as I walk barefoot on the beach holding hands with dad, like a little girl again.

4. At age 27 I see myself in a little apartment in New York,one that I am paying a fortune for- but it doesn't matter.The rest of the house could be dirt for all I care, as long as one room could be my study.
The study would have to have:

• A bookshelf from ceiling to floor(that I built myself) in cherry wood.
• A nice small desk with a bankers lamp...the desk filled with black and white family photos and covered in hundreds of papers, evidence of the book I would be writing.
• Bright red walls that show off the black and white drawings(which would be on the wall opposite the huge bookshelf) that Shelb created and gave to me the Christmas before. 

5. I, like every other girl, want to find love someday. A simple guy who has a good sense of humor and who embraces me for the silly girl that I am is all I need.

6. I have never been a person driven by money and I honestly hope that never changes. Enough money to live out my dreams is all I need, not a penny more. I want to remain charitable and be able to find a job doing something I love.

Thanks for listening Mom.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
                  Britt

Music to my ears...

"...And in the midst of sailing ships,
 we sink our lips,into the ones we love..that have to say goodbye."

Mom,
I knew there would be no way for me to sleep tonight if I didn't write this for you.

 As the three of us drove to dinner tonight, Shelb and I realized that dad had a Train CD in his car. The same CD you and Shelby had bought  when you went to their concert way back in 2007, I believe it was. Since your passing I have thought a lot about this one song in particular, "When I look to the Sky", and to my surprise when it came on both Shelb and I said, almost simultaneously, that it reminded us of you.

For me, this song reminds me of summer weeks spent cleaning the house. You always would blast this song when you cleaned the kitchen cabinets- and I remember the three of us belting it out as we all danced in our socks on the kitchen floor. 

This song reminds me of our trip up to the cottage in Capitola for a girls-only weekend... and blasting this CD as we drove up Highway 17...

This song reminds me of our crazy dance moves and your beautiful off pitch voice...

This song reminds me of our laughter...
"When I feel like there is no one, that will ever know me, there you are to show me.
When I look to the sky, something tells me your here with me, and you make everything alright..."

This song reminds me to thank you- for never leaving me, even when it feels inpossible for me to fly- you are always here and I LOVE you for that.

Love Always&Forever.
Your Daughter,
Britt

The power of written word

Mom,
We found old notepads that you wrote on a while back, but I decided today that for fear of ever losing the physical pieces of paper I would take pictures of them. I did this  so that no matter what ever happened to the notepad, I could always remember what your hand writing looked like.

 my favorite, written to Shelb &I :

grocery lists:

We love you forever and always Mom.

Learning to live with the fire...

Mom,
My mind is a flurry of thoughts tonight…


I’ve been thinking about what I should write on here for a while now…I thought of posting my AP Lang final essay, writing about my crazy adventures with Kelly and Morgan…perhaps thoughts on post- graduation or work… yet nothing seemed significant enough, important enough, to share with you…I realize all of those things are important to me of course, but I didn’t want to write about them…

I never planned today on writing anything about how this exact day is the 8 month anniversary of your passing…I never expected to have anything desperate to write down at all this evening.

In fact, all I know in this very moment is that my fingers can’t seem to type fast enough to keep up with the emotion swirling around in brain. I know that reading dad’s Facebook status this morning about you was both heartwarming and heart breaking. I was glad to know from his update that he recognized the significance of today…I was glad to be reminded that I am not the only one who can’t get you out of my head (you see, sometimes mom, I feel as though I dwell on the events of your disease too often for others liking)…but his update was also heartbreaking. It made me angry and sad all in one. I’m angry that you’re gone forever… and no matter how often I realize this, the pain never goes away. I’m sad because I have anger towards the situation….I'm sad that you’re gone.


The world must have been trying to get me to write today…


My Facebook page was covered in status’ about missing you, or status’ from other friends of mine and their daughters, or even pictures of their adorable and kind hearted daughters spending time with them. While all of this is so sweet and fun to read about…and honestly I am happy for them… I can’t help but admit it made me miss you just a little bit more….

Facebook wasn’t my only reminder of course,

My co-worker recognized the significance of today…realizing it had been 8 months since she witnessed our first reaction to the news

And the final straw… when I opened up my book to read the next chapter, “The Fire”… only to find the that author spent the entire chapter talking, of course, of her friend’s brain aneurysm that occurred while they were together!

Okay world….you win. I have given in to my emotions and have begun writing my heart out.

I wanted to share a really good passage from the chapter “The Fire” that I was referencing before, written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (new favorite):

"I could not save Catherine. [Oriah’s friend]. All I could do was refuse to close my eyes and my heart as the fire surrounded us both, refuse to soften the edges with comforting explanations- whether of God’s plan or karmic lessons- I could not know to be true…And I found that I can do it, if I chose to: I can stay awake and let the sorrows of the world tear me apart and then allow the joys to put me back together, different from before but whole once again” pg 108.

This quote explains what I have been trying to put into words for the past 8 months. I will continue to let the sorrows of losing you, losing my mother, break me. I will let them break me so that I can fight for myself…so that I can fight to find the joy in the most insignificant part of my day.

I don’t want to be like the others, I don’t want to forget why I am living. I am living not because I want to rid pain from my memory. I am living because I accept pain: that of the past, present, and future…when I accept it, I turn my face to the joy in my life.

Yes, it may take me a while to accept the pain… but I know that when my heart is ready, I will…and when I do, I will also find my joy once again.

I am attempting everyday to let the joy that I find in friendship, in love, in support, and in silence wash over me…and remind me that this fight is hard, but it’s worth every minute. It’s worth every minute, if you let every minute count.

Love always and forever,

Your Daughter-

Britt

"You made it all good for me…you made it alright."

"I think of you though, you don't know
 the reason why I love you so,
But never mind...
 Because you made it all good for me...you made it alright"(Stranger, by Elisa)

Mom, the title of this post seems to express what I feel for you tonight. This song always reminds of our camping trips in the 5th wheel. I remember one of our trips it was late at night and Shelby and I were on our beds in our “room” and blasting her Ipod with all of the songs from Elisa on it.

When you listen to the passion behind her words there is no need to explain why all her songs seem to speak to me lately.

To say 'I miss you" is worthless at this point. Mother’s day is this Sunday and I would give anything, sacrifice any of my dreams, pay any amount of money, have any amount of difficulty thrown my way if it meant that I could “come back home to you” (Lyric from Waves by Elisa).

Some of my favorite lines in Elisa’s songs…

“ It never began for us, it will never end for us”(song:Rainbow)

Mom, though I had a beautiful 17 years with you it sometimes seems that our life together never began. One of my biggest fears when you got sick was that you weren’t going to be able to stand at our HS graduation, I was worried you would be in a wheelchair… I knew if you were healthy you would have hated to be confined to sitting when we walked across the stage. You were loud, and I was worried you wouldn’t be able to scream for us as we walked to get our diploma….I now only wish that you could be in the audience next to dad.

Yet despite all of that, I know that my love for you will never end, no matter what.

“ ‘Cause its all about love, and I know better….how life is a waving feather”( song: Dancing)


Mom, I’ve grown and learned so much from watching you and I am so grateful for knowing and loving you.

“When I’m able to talk, I’m queen of my world” (song: Rock Your Soul)

Mom, you taught me how to talk without speaking. Words are much more powerful when they are so bound in love they don’t need to be spoken.

When you were trying to recovery, words weren’t necessary….because our love for each other spoke volumes.

Mom, I just wanted to remind you tonight that you made everything alright. Even when I have rough days or exhausting nights, you make it all good for me. Thanks for being here next to me for those 17 years of my life. I know somehow, though you aren’t here anymore, you will still make things alright.

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Britty

Capturing Intensity

I've had so much on my mind lately that I've been struggling to find the right words to capture the emotion behind them. I came up with the title to this post "Capturing Intensity" last night after reading another fellow bloggers ideas on the importance of word choice in a blog post. Her post hit a chord with me for two reasons....the obvious first reason being, I've been struggling to find anything notable in my life to post on... and the second, my hesitation with blogging always pops up when thinking about word choice...I never feel that I can adequately capture the emotions so deep within my heart and make them relate able or meaningful for that matter....
So with this in mind... I warn you that this may indeed be a lengthy post tonight, I apologize.

Intensity.When I think of this word I immediately go to my eulogy that I wrote on my mom...not the one crowded with tears that I gave at her celebration of life....but the unrestricted, true depiction of my love for my mom...and the same eulogy I will be giving next weekend at SDSU for State Competition.

That speech is intense, even for me.

Tonight at Speech and Debate practice I felt raw, exposed,and  vulnerable while speaking. I've practiced this thing countless times in weeks prior but for reasons still confusing to me, tonight I was hit with reality. SO many times I give this speech and am taken back to that place.The place of brokenness, weakness, fear,and anxiety. Yet tonight was different. Tonight I realized fully and truly that what I present on stage isn't just about a performance. Its my life. It's the reality I, and the rest of my family, have to face---she's gone and I...and we...will never be able to have her back on earth. 

The biggest thing I find difficult with is...the idea that no matter how much you think you may already understand reality.... No matter how able I am already to acknowledge that she is no longer living....a piece of me is always held back. Each time I give this speech its like another piece of me is awakened to what I've actually had to live through....
So yes, tonight at practice I gave my speech...yes, I walked out of the room and cried....yes, for reasons unknown at the moment,  I am heartbroken over the loss of the most beautiful person in the world....but like I say in my speech my mom will never be forgotten....her family loved and still loves her.

This whole feeling and experience tonight reminded me of an earlier discussion today that I had in AP Language class. Someone was commenting on an essay we read saying that we all secretly are trying to woo someone in our lives ( in the case of the essay, the author took up writing as a way to try and win her dad's affection...even though he couldn't read English) but that eventually we come to the conclusion that its silly to woo others.... we need to think of doing things for ourselves too.

I was shocked. As the people-pleaser type I admit to doing some things more to gain others acceptance than for myself. At the same time though, I recognize that doing things for others isn't necessarily bad. I wrote my eulogy on my mom as a testimony of my love and affection for her. I wrote that speech fully knowing that I've spent so much of my 17 years  trying to please her and gain her appreciation...simply because she was my mom and her opinion mattered most of all. I don't see it as a silly thing that is, doing something to make someone else proud or happy ...because, in essence, you are proving that person's value to you without words. The author of that essay we read in Lang, through writing novels, was trying to convey to her dad that he held value in her life.

All this said I want to be honest with my thoughts on why I blog.There are people out there who blog for an audience, who blog to rant, who concern themselves with the "worthiness" of their chosen blog topic...and I'll be first to admit I've fallen victim to all these concerns..
Yet in the pit of my heart I know that the reason why I blog isn't because I hope to use this to earn me sympathy or a  career in English. I blog because it is a reminder of my growth as an individual. I blog because it allows me to be pure, honest, and unrestricted by others opinions or time-- for that matter...
I blog because its a way of keeping my mother alive and remembering the incredible woman she was.

I admit: my diction and syntax may not be something my AP Lit teacher would have been proud of..
I admit: that this blog may at times be just a spew of words and that grammar almost always is not a concern of mine
and I admit: that in no way do I lead an interesting life worthy of blogging about....
 So why do I do it?
If you really want to know ...a good blog post shouldn't have to concern itself with any of that, in my opinion.
It should focusing on capturing the intensity of your own emotion.It should be about saying the things that others would be afraid to say themselves....however large or small.

 It should be you. Plain and simple.

Mom, this is me. Tearing down the walls of my heart and being true to who I am becoming. Mom, this is me... trying to find your love amongst heartbreak. Mom, this is me... rediscovering the power of a good story and the meaning of true love.

Its true you know, that it doesn't matter what type of relationship a mom and a daughter have with each other...because whether good or bad there will always be a deep rooted bond. An invisible connection. A true love that withstands the test of time.
On October 10th 2010, I was granted the continuation of life.... and you were granted the after-life. Let us love, despite it all.
Love Forever and Always
 Your Daughter,
Britty

Its like a drop in the ocean...

"Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most-cause you are my heaven" ~A Drop in The Ocean by Ron Pope

Mom,
I"m going to let you in on a secret of mine...when I write to you I have to listen the same song on replay until I finish. This time the song choice is:  A Drop in the Ocean.

I don't know why I can't just let my Ipod scroll through  the music as the time passes... but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter....this song rings true.

 I do hold you close mom. Living and growing up  wanting you to come back to me is like wishing for rain in the desert.  Plain and simple: it would take a miracle to happen.

Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to honor you and share your story with others I've never met. Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to present your beautiful story to the world. Last weekend was my last individual event for Speech and Debate. It was my last presentation of your eulogy...at least for the time being.

 The whole weekend I couldn't help but think of you.

 While everyone else was having lunch with their mom and crying to their mom when they were upset...I sat on this beautiful white bench imagining your face, your smile.

It was one of the most humbling and reflective experiences I think I've ever had. Knowing that I didn't have you to lean on reminded me of what a gift you were...and are... to me.

I knew you were looking down on me in every round of the two day event. I knew you were smiling, laughing, and crying...I knew you were hugging me when I didn't break to finals. I knew.

Sure, I missed you tremendously last weekend... but your absence also reminded me of the blessing of family. Dad, Aunt Regina, Jen, and Shelb...were all at St. Francis at one point to see me speak.

 In my mind last weekend was like a family reunion.
All of us plus you. It was beautiful.

I may not have had your physical presence with me. I may have cried after every single presentation. I may have felt sad at one point or another. Yet I also felt LOVED.
Loved by my family, loved by my team, and most importantly- loved by you.

Though my memory often fails me...leaving me with no recollection of the sound of your voice or the immensity of your hugs. My heart will never fail to be filled up with love and thoughts of you...my heart will never fail to remember you.

" A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather... I was praying that you and me might end up together"
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany