I'm tired of the monotony.
I'm tired of waking up every morning just to get ready and go to the same school everyday. I'm tired of running to the bathroom every five minutes to get a tissue for this runny nose of mine. I'm tired of the same ol' routine. I'm tired of leaving my house everyday at 7:05 sharp because I know it takes me ten minutes to get my car the way I like. I'm tired of having to put a towel on my front window of my dear bug Sydney because it is so cold, the window freezes. I'm tired of going to open my front door only to realize I need to yank it a little bit harder.
I'm tired of the predictability of my life.
Hence the excitement for this week to continue.
In honesty I really don't understand my own ways sometimes.
An example:
I hate predictability, yet I love tradition ( isn't predictability apart of tradition you ask? You bet!)
I hate stress, yet I love the sense of accomplishment and self worth I get from the end of a stressful week.
I hate standing in lines for hours, yet I love standing in line for a movie or a wonderful chance to order coffee.
I hate staying up late, yet I love how I'm most productive between the hours of 7:30 and 11 p.m.
I guess I'm just a love-hate kind of person.....when it comes to actions that is- not people.... When its people we're talking about, there is only the love side.
This week will be insane, yet I will love every minute of it.
Sure I will complain. I will be stressed. I most likely will over commit myself (trying to balance friends and existing commitments in weeks like this is challenging!). I will be sleep deprived. But my soul will be filled. My heart will continue to beat. My love for life will top the charts..
...why? Well because amongst the chaos, amongst the fear of failure or disappointment, amongst my busy life-- there is opportunity. Opportunity to learn a little more, grow a little more, love a little more.
So again I say, Sometimes I don't understand my own ways.
Yet....
I love this week because there is opportunity here.
At my speech and debate practices there are opportunities to bond with teammates, impress my coach, and feel good about my abilities.
At my Jessup "Scholars Event" there are opportunities to share my story, to set down my foundation, to grow.
At school there are opportunities to build someone up, to learn, to spend time with people you care for.
So....yes. I am tired of predictability... but that is only so, when I fail to see opportunity in predictable things.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Ramblings
Last night I had fun with three young girls: Shayna(4), Brooklyn(9 months), and Sage(2)... as well as two fun, sport loving boys:Allen(5) and Erik(7)...all who live at Acres of Hope. All five of them were such a blessing.
The whole night could be summed up in one word: Simple. They were excited over simple foods like garlic bread and valentines day gifts....they were happy over simple drinks like green apple soda... and they loved simple things like bear hugs and funny handshakes. Simple. Relaxed.
All the hype and love they had over these simple things made me remember how blessed I am to be living in this wonderful home, taking hard classes at Sierra College, and spending time with my fantastic Speech&Debate Team.
I love you Mom and I loved our simple and relaxed life. I miss it. I miss you. I miss the blessing you were and are.
Love Always
Your Daughter,
Brittany
The whole night could be summed up in one word: Simple. They were excited over simple foods like garlic bread and valentines day gifts....they were happy over simple drinks like green apple soda... and they loved simple things like bear hugs and funny handshakes. Simple. Relaxed.
All the hype and love they had over these simple things made me remember how blessed I am to be living in this wonderful home, taking hard classes at Sierra College, and spending time with my fantastic Speech&Debate Team.
I love you Mom and I loved our simple and relaxed life. I miss it. I miss you. I miss the blessing you were and are.
Love Always
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
...And the waves come crashing...
My heart is heavy tonight. I need your love.
I feel like the inside of my heart is similar to that of the crashing waves. I have moments where I can walk through the day more in love with my life then ever. On those days I see the sunrise as a new beginning. I see my friends and loved ones as the largest of all blessings. I find peace in confiding in my favorite teachers... telling them of my ups and downs of the day...Laughing and enjoying the day with them.
Those days are days where the waves are gently rolling in and welcoming the new comers as they wade in deeper and deeper.
Then there are the other days. Days where the waves are violently crashing on the shore while the storms are brewing. On these days I find myself desiring to see you, desiring to be comforted by you (or no, not even that specific)...just plain desiring to be comforted by those I love and admire. On these days I find myself running to grab a jar of Nutella at Raley's and watching my (as you WELL know) all time favorite TV show WNTW...Stacy London does wonders to make me feel confident and beautiful again.
Yet no matter what type of day it is, or what type of waves are hitting the shores of my heart- I remember you. I remember the strength you once brought me.I remember how hard you have fought for me. I remember your love and your encouragement. I remember days spent shopping and dinners at Chili's.
I remember that I once had a mother who was the definition of beautiful. I remember that once I was able to come home to you. I remember how important it is to spend the time we do have on this earth- loving, with every inch of our heart. You will always be in me. You will always be my light and my love.
Love always and forever.
Your Daughter,
Brittany
I feel like the inside of my heart is similar to that of the crashing waves. I have moments where I can walk through the day more in love with my life then ever. On those days I see the sunrise as a new beginning. I see my friends and loved ones as the largest of all blessings. I find peace in confiding in my favorite teachers... telling them of my ups and downs of the day...Laughing and enjoying the day with them.
Those days are days where the waves are gently rolling in and welcoming the new comers as they wade in deeper and deeper.
Then there are the other days. Days where the waves are violently crashing on the shore while the storms are brewing. On these days I find myself desiring to see you, desiring to be comforted by you (or no, not even that specific)...just plain desiring to be comforted by those I love and admire. On these days I find myself running to grab a jar of Nutella at Raley's and watching my (as you WELL know) all time favorite TV show WNTW...Stacy London does wonders to make me feel confident and beautiful again.
Yet no matter what type of day it is, or what type of waves are hitting the shores of my heart- I remember you. I remember the strength you once brought me.I remember how hard you have fought for me. I remember your love and your encouragement. I remember days spent shopping and dinners at Chili's.
I remember that I once had a mother who was the definition of beautiful. I remember that once I was able to come home to you. I remember how important it is to spend the time we do have on this earth- loving, with every inch of our heart. You will always be in me. You will always be my light and my love.
Love always and forever.
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
On this evening, I wonder what you think...
"Do not regret growing older.It is a privilege denied to many"-UnknownMom, today I wonder what you would've done differently if you knew that death was closer than you had predicted.
I should have been less fearful of seeing you the way you were. It wasn't that I didn't accept it, in all honesty it just pained me to see you so dependant and not be able to bring you back to life...to the life that you wanted. I didn't visit as much as I could of because I was selfish, because it hurt me. WHY did I never consider that my absence could of hurt you?
I guess it was because I am just a kid...and while I do not regret my decision to stop seeing you when you got to the last few days, I sincerely hope that you know it wasn't because I stopped loving or caring...it was because my heart stopped being brave.
I Love you Mom and I hope you know that you never did &never will, leave my mind or my thoughts.
Love Forever and Always
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Embracing life, the way it is.
Mom,
Despite my crazy life with school, scholarships, work, and wonderful coffee trips... my mind always ends up thinking about you. I love that…
Why does it seem so many people are afraid of admitting that they miss someone who has passed on?
I was talking about this with someone last night…
She was asking all these questions about you… if you haunt me? If I’m mad at you for not haunting me? If I ever stop thinking about you? What my view on working is now…is work really worth it? Some of these questions made me laugh, but they are valid. She now understands me better…she forgot what it felt like to lose someone you love…and sadly God decided to recently remind her.
Why are we so afraid of admitting we miss those who were taken away from us?
We talked about how sometimes we all feel guilty for bringing up the name of someone who passed away because it may make others feel uncomfortable.
I realized that in a way this blog is a perfect example of that.
I don’t find anything awkward or weird about me talking to you through my writing… It doesn’t feel awkward writing you letters on here….and you know why? Because I feel like writing to you keeps you alive. Maybe not in the physical sense...but your spirit. It reminds me of what a large part of my life you were... and are. Your body is gone, your voice- I can no longer hear…but the lessons you taught me, the love you shared with me, the strength you brought me... remains.
So, yes- I realize that maybe my blog entries make people feel uncomfortable…Maybe my entries leave people speechless because they don’t know what to tell me …but in all honesty, I don’t care.
My entries, each time I write, its like you’re here again..its like we get to reconnect.It reminds me of your story and your hugs.
Sure, like I was telling a friend last night… I miss your voice…the way you would say “Can I have a glass of water with some ice…” or “ Shelby…help me” when you got stuck in Tomb Raider…the way your tennis shoes sounded when you walked in the kitchen before going to the gym…and the way you sang Train on the way to Santa Cruz every summer…but those things aren’t gone. When I write I remember those things… when I cry, laugh, and live those things are in my memory.
So, NO. I’m not going to think twice when I say your name…or when my heart yearns for you…because who cares if it makes other people uncomfortable. At least I’m brave enough to remember you and not just let it pass me by. I will move on, I will grow and learn, and the pain may begin to minimize but no matter what I’m still going to remember you. Whether that’s through writing or telling stories about you. I will be stronger than others. I will be brave enough to admit I miss you because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Its not something that can be fixed, but rather has to be acknowledged. You were a part of my life…and now your story is a part of my life. I will not forget. I will take what life has given me and I will admit when I have bad days or anger- because those moments make me who I am. They make me stronger.
Stop hiding. Start living. Embrace the life you were given…not just the happy moments, but the difficult ones too.
Love always and forever,
Your daugher
Brittany
Despite my crazy life with school, scholarships, work, and wonderful coffee trips... my mind always ends up thinking about you. I love that…
Why does it seem so many people are afraid of admitting that they miss someone who has passed on?
I was talking about this with someone last night…
She was asking all these questions about you… if you haunt me? If I’m mad at you for not haunting me? If I ever stop thinking about you? What my view on working is now…is work really worth it? Some of these questions made me laugh, but they are valid. She now understands me better…she forgot what it felt like to lose someone you love…and sadly God decided to recently remind her.
Why are we so afraid of admitting we miss those who were taken away from us?
We talked about how sometimes we all feel guilty for bringing up the name of someone who passed away because it may make others feel uncomfortable.
I realized that in a way this blog is a perfect example of that.
I don’t find anything awkward or weird about me talking to you through my writing… It doesn’t feel awkward writing you letters on here….and you know why? Because I feel like writing to you keeps you alive. Maybe not in the physical sense...but your spirit. It reminds me of what a large part of my life you were... and are. Your body is gone, your voice- I can no longer hear…but the lessons you taught me, the love you shared with me, the strength you brought me... remains.
So, yes- I realize that maybe my blog entries make people feel uncomfortable…Maybe my entries leave people speechless because they don’t know what to tell me …but in all honesty, I don’t care.
My entries, each time I write, its like you’re here again..its like we get to reconnect.It reminds me of your story and your hugs.
Sure, like I was telling a friend last night… I miss your voice…the way you would say “Can I have a glass of water with some ice…” or “ Shelby…help me” when you got stuck in Tomb Raider…the way your tennis shoes sounded when you walked in the kitchen before going to the gym…and the way you sang Train on the way to Santa Cruz every summer…but those things aren’t gone. When I write I remember those things… when I cry, laugh, and live those things are in my memory.
So, NO. I’m not going to think twice when I say your name…or when my heart yearns for you…because who cares if it makes other people uncomfortable. At least I’m brave enough to remember you and not just let it pass me by. I will move on, I will grow and learn, and the pain may begin to minimize but no matter what I’m still going to remember you. Whether that’s through writing or telling stories about you. I will be stronger than others. I will be brave enough to admit I miss you because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Its not something that can be fixed, but rather has to be acknowledged. You were a part of my life…and now your story is a part of my life. I will not forget. I will take what life has given me and I will admit when I have bad days or anger- because those moments make me who I am. They make me stronger.
Stop hiding. Start living. Embrace the life you were given…not just the happy moments, but the difficult ones too.
Love always and forever,
Your daugher
Brittany
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I wish you enough.
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appearMom, this is my wish for the world. This is my wish for my life. That I may live a life that celebrates yours. That I may give those in my life enough love to sustain them in their trials, whatever those may be. That I may find the largest amount of joy in the smallest things. That I may appreciate what I have been given and what has been taken away- for I know that this is all for a purpose.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more...
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear even bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough love so that you may appreciate the heartbreaks.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye. " -unknown
To those whom I love beyond all bounds, I wish you enough.
Let your love always win. Let your light always shine. Let your heart always be open.
Love always and forever,
Britt
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Unseen Beauty.
This picture is of your beach on the day we let you go. I'm happy that you are celebrating today and are not in any pain. 365 days ago you were in surgery and now you are in heaven. We love you mom, beyond measure. Enjoy the unseen beauty up there in the sky.
Love always and forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
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