I've had so much on my mind lately that I've been struggling to find the right words to capture the emotion behind them. I came up with the title to this post "Capturing Intensity" last night after reading another fellow bloggers ideas on the importance of word choice in a blog post. Her post hit a chord with me for two reasons....the obvious first reason being, I've been struggling to find anything notable in my life to post on... and the second, my hesitation with blogging always pops up when thinking about word choice...I never feel that I can adequately capture the emotions so deep within my heart and make them relate able or meaningful for that matter....
So with this in mind... I warn you that this may indeed be a lengthy post tonight, I apologize.
Intensity.When I think of this word I immediately go to my eulogy that I wrote on my mom...not the one crowded with tears that I gave at her celebration of life....but the unrestricted, true depiction of my love for my mom...and the same eulogy I will be giving next weekend at SDSU for State Competition.
That speech is intense, even for me.
Tonight at Speech and Debate practice I felt raw, exposed,and vulnerable while speaking. I've practiced this thing countless times in weeks prior but for reasons still confusing to me, tonight I was hit with reality. SO many times I give this speech and am taken back to that place.The place of brokenness, weakness, fear,and anxiety. Yet tonight was different. Tonight I realized fully and truly that what I present on stage isn't just about a performance. Its my life. It's the reality I, and the rest of my family, have to face---she's gone and I...and we...will never be able to have her back on earth.
The biggest thing I find difficult with is...the idea that no matter how much you think you may already understand reality.... No matter how able I am already to acknowledge that she is no longer living....a piece of me is always held back. Each time I give this speech its like another piece of me is awakened to what I've actually had to live through....
So yes, tonight at practice I gave my speech...yes, I walked out of the room and cried....yes, for reasons unknown at the moment, I am heartbroken over the loss of the most beautiful person in the world....but like I say in my speech my mom will never be forgotten....her family loved and still loves her.
This whole feeling and experience tonight reminded me of an earlier discussion today that I had in AP Language class. Someone was commenting on an essay we read saying that we all secretly are trying to woo someone in our lives ( in the case of the essay, the author took up writing as a way to try and win her dad's affection...even though he couldn't read English) but that eventually we come to the conclusion that its silly to woo others.... we need to think of doing things for ourselves too.
I was shocked. As the people-pleaser type I admit to doing some things more to gain others acceptance than for myself. At the same time though, I recognize that doing things for others isn't necessarily bad. I wrote my eulogy on my mom as a testimony of my love and affection for her. I wrote that speech fully knowing that I've spent so much of my 17 years trying to please her and gain her appreciation...simply because she was my mom and her opinion mattered most of all. I don't see it as a silly thing that is, doing something to make someone else proud or happy ...because, in essence, you are proving that person's value to you without words. The author of that essay we read in Lang, through writing novels, was trying to convey to her dad that he held value in her life.
All this said I want to be honest with my thoughts on why I blog.There are people out there who blog for an audience, who blog to rant, who concern themselves with the "worthiness" of their chosen blog topic...and I'll be first to admit I've fallen victim to all these concerns..
Yet in the pit of my heart I know that the reason why I blog isn't because I hope to use this to earn me sympathy or a career in English. I blog because it is a reminder of my growth as an individual. I blog because it allows me to be pure, honest, and unrestricted by others opinions or time-- for that matter...
I blog because its a way of keeping my mother alive and remembering the incredible woman she was.
I admit: my diction and syntax may not be something my AP Lit teacher would have been proud of..
I admit: that this blog may at times be just a spew of words and that grammar almost always is not a concern of mine
and I admit: that in no way do I lead an interesting life worthy of blogging about....
So why do I do it?
If you really want to know ...a good blog post shouldn't have to concern itself with any of that, in my opinion.
It should focusing on capturing the intensity of your own emotion.It should be about saying the things that others would be afraid to say themselves....however large or small.
It should be you. Plain and simple.
Mom, this is me. Tearing down the walls of my heart and being true to who I am becoming. Mom, this is me... trying to find your love amongst heartbreak. Mom, this is me... rediscovering the power of a good story and the meaning of true love.
Its true you know, that it doesn't matter what type of relationship a mom and a daughter have with each other...because whether good or bad there will always be a deep rooted bond. An invisible connection. A true love that withstands the test of time.
On October 10th 2010, I was granted the continuation of life.... and you were granted the after-life. Let us love, despite it all.
Love Forever and Always
Your Daughter,
Britty
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Its like a drop in the ocean...
"Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most-cause you are my heaven" ~A Drop in The Ocean by Ron Pope
Mom,
I"m going to let you in on a secret of mine...when I write to you I have to listen the same song on replay until I finish. This time the song choice is: A Drop in the Ocean.
I don't know why I can't just let my Ipod scroll through the music as the time passes... but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter....this song rings true.
I do hold you close mom. Living and growing up wanting you to come back to me is like wishing for rain in the desert. Plain and simple: it would take a miracle to happen.
Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to honor you and share your story with others I've never met. Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to present your beautiful story to the world. Last weekend was my last individual event for Speech and Debate. It was my last presentation of your eulogy...at least for the time being.
The whole weekend I couldn't help but think of you.
While everyone else was having lunch with their mom and crying to their mom when they were upset...I sat on this beautiful white bench imagining your face, your smile.
It was one of the most humbling and reflective experiences I think I've ever had. Knowing that I didn't have you to lean on reminded me of what a gift you were...and are... to me.
I knew you were looking down on me in every round of the two day event. I knew you were smiling, laughing, and crying...I knew you were hugging me when I didn't break to finals. I knew.
Sure, I missed you tremendously last weekend... but your absence also reminded me of the blessing of family. Dad, Aunt Regina, Jen, and Shelb...were all at St. Francis at one point to see me speak.
In my mind last weekend was like a family reunion.
All of us plus you. It was beautiful.
I may not have had your physical presence with me. I may have cried after every single presentation. I may have felt sad at one point or another. Yet I also felt LOVED.
Loved by my family, loved by my team, and most importantly- loved by you.
Though my memory often fails me...leaving me with no recollection of the sound of your voice or the immensity of your hugs. My heart will never fail to be filled up with love and thoughts of you...my heart will never fail to remember you.
" A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather... I was praying that you and me might end up together"
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Mom,
I"m going to let you in on a secret of mine...when I write to you I have to listen the same song on replay until I finish. This time the song choice is: A Drop in the Ocean.
I don't know why I can't just let my Ipod scroll through the music as the time passes... but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter....this song rings true.
I do hold you close mom. Living and growing up wanting you to come back to me is like wishing for rain in the desert. Plain and simple: it would take a miracle to happen.
Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to honor you and share your story with others I've never met. Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to present your beautiful story to the world. Last weekend was my last individual event for Speech and Debate. It was my last presentation of your eulogy...at least for the time being.
The whole weekend I couldn't help but think of you.
While everyone else was having lunch with their mom and crying to their mom when they were upset...I sat on this beautiful white bench imagining your face, your smile.
It was one of the most humbling and reflective experiences I think I've ever had. Knowing that I didn't have you to lean on reminded me of what a gift you were...and are... to me.
I knew you were looking down on me in every round of the two day event. I knew you were smiling, laughing, and crying...I knew you were hugging me when I didn't break to finals. I knew.
Sure, I missed you tremendously last weekend... but your absence also reminded me of the blessing of family. Dad, Aunt Regina, Jen, and Shelb...were all at St. Francis at one point to see me speak.
In my mind last weekend was like a family reunion.
All of us plus you. It was beautiful.
I may not have had your physical presence with me. I may have cried after every single presentation. I may have felt sad at one point or another. Yet I also felt LOVED.
Loved by my family, loved by my team, and most importantly- loved by you.
Though my memory often fails me...leaving me with no recollection of the sound of your voice or the immensity of your hugs. My heart will never fail to be filled up with love and thoughts of you...my heart will never fail to remember you.
" A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather... I was praying that you and me might end up together"
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Monday, February 21, 2011
Predictable.
I'm tired of the monotony.
I'm tired of waking up every morning just to get ready and go to the same school everyday. I'm tired of running to the bathroom every five minutes to get a tissue for this runny nose of mine. I'm tired of the same ol' routine. I'm tired of leaving my house everyday at 7:05 sharp because I know it takes me ten minutes to get my car the way I like. I'm tired of having to put a towel on my front window of my dear bug Sydney because it is so cold, the window freezes. I'm tired of going to open my front door only to realize I need to yank it a little bit harder.
I'm tired of the predictability of my life.
Hence the excitement for this week to continue.
In honesty I really don't understand my own ways sometimes.
An example:
I hate predictability, yet I love tradition ( isn't predictability apart of tradition you ask? You bet!)
I hate stress, yet I love the sense of accomplishment and self worth I get from the end of a stressful week.
I hate standing in lines for hours, yet I love standing in line for a movie or a wonderful chance to order coffee.
I hate staying up late, yet I love how I'm most productive between the hours of 7:30 and 11 p.m.
I guess I'm just a love-hate kind of person.....when it comes to actions that is- not people.... When its people we're talking about, there is only the love side.
This week will be insane, yet I will love every minute of it.
Sure I will complain. I will be stressed. I most likely will over commit myself (trying to balance friends and existing commitments in weeks like this is challenging!). I will be sleep deprived. But my soul will be filled. My heart will continue to beat. My love for life will top the charts..
...why? Well because amongst the chaos, amongst the fear of failure or disappointment, amongst my busy life-- there is opportunity. Opportunity to learn a little more, grow a little more, love a little more.
So again I say, Sometimes I don't understand my own ways.
Yet....
I love this week because there is opportunity here.
At my speech and debate practices there are opportunities to bond with teammates, impress my coach, and feel good about my abilities.
At my Jessup "Scholars Event" there are opportunities to share my story, to set down my foundation, to grow.
At school there are opportunities to build someone up, to learn, to spend time with people you care for.
So....yes. I am tired of predictability... but that is only so, when I fail to see opportunity in predictable things.
I'm tired of waking up every morning just to get ready and go to the same school everyday. I'm tired of running to the bathroom every five minutes to get a tissue for this runny nose of mine. I'm tired of the same ol' routine. I'm tired of leaving my house everyday at 7:05 sharp because I know it takes me ten minutes to get my car the way I like. I'm tired of having to put a towel on my front window of my dear bug Sydney because it is so cold, the window freezes. I'm tired of going to open my front door only to realize I need to yank it a little bit harder.
I'm tired of the predictability of my life.
Hence the excitement for this week to continue.
In honesty I really don't understand my own ways sometimes.
An example:
I hate predictability, yet I love tradition ( isn't predictability apart of tradition you ask? You bet!)
I hate stress, yet I love the sense of accomplishment and self worth I get from the end of a stressful week.
I hate standing in lines for hours, yet I love standing in line for a movie or a wonderful chance to order coffee.
I hate staying up late, yet I love how I'm most productive between the hours of 7:30 and 11 p.m.
I guess I'm just a love-hate kind of person.....when it comes to actions that is- not people.... When its people we're talking about, there is only the love side.
This week will be insane, yet I will love every minute of it.
Sure I will complain. I will be stressed. I most likely will over commit myself (trying to balance friends and existing commitments in weeks like this is challenging!). I will be sleep deprived. But my soul will be filled. My heart will continue to beat. My love for life will top the charts..
...why? Well because amongst the chaos, amongst the fear of failure or disappointment, amongst my busy life-- there is opportunity. Opportunity to learn a little more, grow a little more, love a little more.
So again I say, Sometimes I don't understand my own ways.
Yet....
I love this week because there is opportunity here.
At my speech and debate practices there are opportunities to bond with teammates, impress my coach, and feel good about my abilities.
At my Jessup "Scholars Event" there are opportunities to share my story, to set down my foundation, to grow.
At school there are opportunities to build someone up, to learn, to spend time with people you care for.
So....yes. I am tired of predictability... but that is only so, when I fail to see opportunity in predictable things.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Ramblings
Last night I had fun with three young girls: Shayna(4), Brooklyn(9 months), and Sage(2)... as well as two fun, sport loving boys:Allen(5) and Erik(7)...all who live at Acres of Hope. All five of them were such a blessing.
The whole night could be summed up in one word: Simple. They were excited over simple foods like garlic bread and valentines day gifts....they were happy over simple drinks like green apple soda... and they loved simple things like bear hugs and funny handshakes. Simple. Relaxed.
All the hype and love they had over these simple things made me remember how blessed I am to be living in this wonderful home, taking hard classes at Sierra College, and spending time with my fantastic Speech&Debate Team.
I love you Mom and I loved our simple and relaxed life. I miss it. I miss you. I miss the blessing you were and are.
Love Always
Your Daughter,
Brittany
The whole night could be summed up in one word: Simple. They were excited over simple foods like garlic bread and valentines day gifts....they were happy over simple drinks like green apple soda... and they loved simple things like bear hugs and funny handshakes. Simple. Relaxed.
All the hype and love they had over these simple things made me remember how blessed I am to be living in this wonderful home, taking hard classes at Sierra College, and spending time with my fantastic Speech&Debate Team.
I love you Mom and I loved our simple and relaxed life. I miss it. I miss you. I miss the blessing you were and are.
Love Always
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
...And the waves come crashing...
My heart is heavy tonight. I need your love.
I feel like the inside of my heart is similar to that of the crashing waves. I have moments where I can walk through the day more in love with my life then ever. On those days I see the sunrise as a new beginning. I see my friends and loved ones as the largest of all blessings. I find peace in confiding in my favorite teachers... telling them of my ups and downs of the day...Laughing and enjoying the day with them.
Those days are days where the waves are gently rolling in and welcoming the new comers as they wade in deeper and deeper.
Then there are the other days. Days where the waves are violently crashing on the shore while the storms are brewing. On these days I find myself desiring to see you, desiring to be comforted by you (or no, not even that specific)...just plain desiring to be comforted by those I love and admire. On these days I find myself running to grab a jar of Nutella at Raley's and watching my (as you WELL know) all time favorite TV show WNTW...Stacy London does wonders to make me feel confident and beautiful again.
Yet no matter what type of day it is, or what type of waves are hitting the shores of my heart- I remember you. I remember the strength you once brought me.I remember how hard you have fought for me. I remember your love and your encouragement. I remember days spent shopping and dinners at Chili's.
I remember that I once had a mother who was the definition of beautiful. I remember that once I was able to come home to you. I remember how important it is to spend the time we do have on this earth- loving, with every inch of our heart. You will always be in me. You will always be my light and my love.
Love always and forever.
Your Daughter,
Brittany
I feel like the inside of my heart is similar to that of the crashing waves. I have moments where I can walk through the day more in love with my life then ever. On those days I see the sunrise as a new beginning. I see my friends and loved ones as the largest of all blessings. I find peace in confiding in my favorite teachers... telling them of my ups and downs of the day...Laughing and enjoying the day with them.
Those days are days where the waves are gently rolling in and welcoming the new comers as they wade in deeper and deeper.
Then there are the other days. Days where the waves are violently crashing on the shore while the storms are brewing. On these days I find myself desiring to see you, desiring to be comforted by you (or no, not even that specific)...just plain desiring to be comforted by those I love and admire. On these days I find myself running to grab a jar of Nutella at Raley's and watching my (as you WELL know) all time favorite TV show WNTW...Stacy London does wonders to make me feel confident and beautiful again.
Yet no matter what type of day it is, or what type of waves are hitting the shores of my heart- I remember you. I remember the strength you once brought me.I remember how hard you have fought for me. I remember your love and your encouragement. I remember days spent shopping and dinners at Chili's.
I remember that I once had a mother who was the definition of beautiful. I remember that once I was able to come home to you. I remember how important it is to spend the time we do have on this earth- loving, with every inch of our heart. You will always be in me. You will always be my light and my love.
Love always and forever.
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
On this evening, I wonder what you think...
"Do not regret growing older.It is a privilege denied to many"-UnknownMom, today I wonder what you would've done differently if you knew that death was closer than you had predicted.
I should have been less fearful of seeing you the way you were. It wasn't that I didn't accept it, in all honesty it just pained me to see you so dependant and not be able to bring you back to life...to the life that you wanted. I didn't visit as much as I could of because I was selfish, because it hurt me. WHY did I never consider that my absence could of hurt you?
I guess it was because I am just a kid...and while I do not regret my decision to stop seeing you when you got to the last few days, I sincerely hope that you know it wasn't because I stopped loving or caring...it was because my heart stopped being brave.
I Love you Mom and I hope you know that you never did &never will, leave my mind or my thoughts.
Love Forever and Always
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Embracing life, the way it is.
Mom,
Despite my crazy life with school, scholarships, work, and wonderful coffee trips... my mind always ends up thinking about you. I love that…
Why does it seem so many people are afraid of admitting that they miss someone who has passed on?
I was talking about this with someone last night…
She was asking all these questions about you… if you haunt me? If I’m mad at you for not haunting me? If I ever stop thinking about you? What my view on working is now…is work really worth it? Some of these questions made me laugh, but they are valid. She now understands me better…she forgot what it felt like to lose someone you love…and sadly God decided to recently remind her.
Why are we so afraid of admitting we miss those who were taken away from us?
We talked about how sometimes we all feel guilty for bringing up the name of someone who passed away because it may make others feel uncomfortable.
I realized that in a way this blog is a perfect example of that.
I don’t find anything awkward or weird about me talking to you through my writing… It doesn’t feel awkward writing you letters on here….and you know why? Because I feel like writing to you keeps you alive. Maybe not in the physical sense...but your spirit. It reminds me of what a large part of my life you were... and are. Your body is gone, your voice- I can no longer hear…but the lessons you taught me, the love you shared with me, the strength you brought me... remains.
So, yes- I realize that maybe my blog entries make people feel uncomfortable…Maybe my entries leave people speechless because they don’t know what to tell me …but in all honesty, I don’t care.
My entries, each time I write, its like you’re here again..its like we get to reconnect.It reminds me of your story and your hugs.
Sure, like I was telling a friend last night… I miss your voice…the way you would say “Can I have a glass of water with some ice…” or “ Shelby…help me” when you got stuck in Tomb Raider…the way your tennis shoes sounded when you walked in the kitchen before going to the gym…and the way you sang Train on the way to Santa Cruz every summer…but those things aren’t gone. When I write I remember those things… when I cry, laugh, and live those things are in my memory.
So, NO. I’m not going to think twice when I say your name…or when my heart yearns for you…because who cares if it makes other people uncomfortable. At least I’m brave enough to remember you and not just let it pass me by. I will move on, I will grow and learn, and the pain may begin to minimize but no matter what I’m still going to remember you. Whether that’s through writing or telling stories about you. I will be stronger than others. I will be brave enough to admit I miss you because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Its not something that can be fixed, but rather has to be acknowledged. You were a part of my life…and now your story is a part of my life. I will not forget. I will take what life has given me and I will admit when I have bad days or anger- because those moments make me who I am. They make me stronger.
Stop hiding. Start living. Embrace the life you were given…not just the happy moments, but the difficult ones too.
Love always and forever,
Your daugher
Brittany
Despite my crazy life with school, scholarships, work, and wonderful coffee trips... my mind always ends up thinking about you. I love that…
Why does it seem so many people are afraid of admitting that they miss someone who has passed on?
I was talking about this with someone last night…
She was asking all these questions about you… if you haunt me? If I’m mad at you for not haunting me? If I ever stop thinking about you? What my view on working is now…is work really worth it? Some of these questions made me laugh, but they are valid. She now understands me better…she forgot what it felt like to lose someone you love…and sadly God decided to recently remind her.
Why are we so afraid of admitting we miss those who were taken away from us?
We talked about how sometimes we all feel guilty for bringing up the name of someone who passed away because it may make others feel uncomfortable.
I realized that in a way this blog is a perfect example of that.
I don’t find anything awkward or weird about me talking to you through my writing… It doesn’t feel awkward writing you letters on here….and you know why? Because I feel like writing to you keeps you alive. Maybe not in the physical sense...but your spirit. It reminds me of what a large part of my life you were... and are. Your body is gone, your voice- I can no longer hear…but the lessons you taught me, the love you shared with me, the strength you brought me... remains.
So, yes- I realize that maybe my blog entries make people feel uncomfortable…Maybe my entries leave people speechless because they don’t know what to tell me …but in all honesty, I don’t care.
My entries, each time I write, its like you’re here again..its like we get to reconnect.It reminds me of your story and your hugs.
Sure, like I was telling a friend last night… I miss your voice…the way you would say “Can I have a glass of water with some ice…” or “ Shelby…help me” when you got stuck in Tomb Raider…the way your tennis shoes sounded when you walked in the kitchen before going to the gym…and the way you sang Train on the way to Santa Cruz every summer…but those things aren’t gone. When I write I remember those things… when I cry, laugh, and live those things are in my memory.
So, NO. I’m not going to think twice when I say your name…or when my heart yearns for you…because who cares if it makes other people uncomfortable. At least I’m brave enough to remember you and not just let it pass me by. I will move on, I will grow and learn, and the pain may begin to minimize but no matter what I’m still going to remember you. Whether that’s through writing or telling stories about you. I will be stronger than others. I will be brave enough to admit I miss you because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Its not something that can be fixed, but rather has to be acknowledged. You were a part of my life…and now your story is a part of my life. I will not forget. I will take what life has given me and I will admit when I have bad days or anger- because those moments make me who I am. They make me stronger.
Stop hiding. Start living. Embrace the life you were given…not just the happy moments, but the difficult ones too.
Love always and forever,
Your daugher
Brittany
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