Sitting in JOY

Hi Mom,

It’s been awhile...seems like that occurs more often than not these days.

Spring semester is in full swing and Mama, you’d be proud—I truly feel like I’m growing up in every sense of the word.

I can’t really put words to it, but maybe that is what makes it so magical. I had a surge of excitement come over me the other day at the realization that real life is coming. One day I will no longer be a student. I will no longer live at a school. One day no longer be in a minimum wage job. Days filled with classes and snacks. Nights filled with coffee and work. It’s not, in any sense, a bad thing to be where I am at…you know I’ve always loved learning.

It just excites me to the very core to realize again that I am actually moving towards a clearer sense of myself and my place.

I’m starting to look forward to the days of not having “student” as my full time occupation. Sure, I still could list off a million things I wish to learn, but to actually wake up one morning and go to a job. To be an adult. How scary and beautiful.

Mom, my life is coming together. I’ve realized lately that I have no control over it and for once I’m not scared. I’m not scared that the “ideal life” I had planned in my head is becoming less and less practical or desirable for that matter.  Things may not end up the way I dreamed. I may not initially have my book proposal picked-up straight out of school. I may not land at Grad school in New York.  That is okay, my dreams are changing. I love safe variety.

I WILL go to New York, just maybe not under the grad student title…or maybe I will…

I may leave WJU right away…or I may stay an extra year and a half in their single subject program to get both my TESOL credential and my Master’s…

I may get a job with a magazine…or as a speaker… or as a teacher…or as a book writer…or maybe as a wife…

The point is Mom, I’m growing up. I no longer need things to go exactly as planned. If the dreams I had as a high schooler pan out I will be happy and joyful.

                                            If my dreams change, evolve, grow—I will be happy and joyful.

I am enjoying all the possibilities of life…of the future... of myself.

Mom, I truly deserve nothing I’ve been given. Not the successes. Not the opportunities. Not the skills. Not the love…and if that is all true (and I sincerely believe so) than I will be blessed wherever I land in life. Because joy and true happiness I believe don’t come from perfection, they come from mindset. I can loosen the reins on life. I can mature and allow my dreams and plans to do the same.

I am blessed with life and so I will sit in the joy of possibilities today.

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter

Brittany

Mouth: Speechless. Heart: Full of Thoughts.

Hi Mom,    (I miss you)

I was actually suppose to be sharing another thought with you tonight, but it is nowhere near complete and... well I guess this is what happens when too much (and too little) are going on in my life.

I have a feeling something is really happening in my life right now. I can’t yet put it into words. I just have what I feel is a 100 lb weight on my heart telling me I better be holding on because my life is going to become one wild but grand ride this year.

I feel anxiety of a different type tonight. This feeling within me is not the same hands tingling, gasping for air feeling that happened in early October. No, it’s a lot safer anxiety than that. (is that even possible?)

 It’s a yearning for understanding. A desire for growth. A need for an overall peace.

No words seem to explain it.

I don’t know what’s coming, but I know it’s mindset altering...it’s going to teach me and stretch me.

I think that’s why deep down I know that the spontaneous trips planned this break are done in part because I want to run from my responsibilities. Not in a careless way, just in a "let's just go have some ridiculous amount of fun because we aren't in school" sort of way

In other words, let’s just say this break has me really realizing how great you were with my medical phone calls/ appointments/all that goes with growing up with CP. These things can be frustrating. Being an adult is a lot harder than I expected. Go figure.

It wasn’t that I thought it was easy, I just didn’t realize how simultaneously one can feel both lost and happy when something you still don’t fully understand is now your issue to deal with. Hello government health insurance plans.

Mom, I really enjoyed the recent trip to SLO and then Monterey bringing in the year. The doctors appointment that followed however, I didn’t enjoy nearly as much. Not that it was horrible, you know I just can’t stand doctors.

I enjoyed the trip in part because I knew it came with: really long drives and time to just think about other things than my "Before January 20th" to-do list. I enjoyed spending time with people I love and the calm that always fills my heart when inhaling the sea air.

All in all,  this post was not in anyway a complaint about my to-do list or “ growing up” because I actually really enjoy those two things. I like the challenge of rising to the occasion of my life. I like learning.

                ...the sense of accomplishment and the new locked storage system (with alphabetized and color coded files for paperwork) is just an added benefit :) I really perfect benefit too I might add!

With all that said, I’m looking forward to fleeing home for a bit next week...it is break after all :) haha!

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Brittany

Let us live like the wild geese.

 Hi Mom,
I really don't believe much needs to be said today. This poem was one I read several times a day when you were sick. I read it to myself in the car before embracing yet another day at school. I saved it in my phone and read it as I walked across the parking lot to your nursing home in Carmichael.

 

The other day I passed Winding Way and Garfield and I smiled at the memory of this poem, knowing I always opened it on my phone at around that time in the drive.

 

This poem reminds me that we are a part of something so much larger than ourselves. We may know suffering. We may at points be weighed down by poor decisions, or even decisions we didn't know would lead us into hardship, but we need not despair. Live in the opportunities of the world. Live free. Wild. Live knowing you have a chance to make things right, to start anew, to take life one step at a time.

 

We are apart of something larger. And we are also always being called home-into rest. into peace. Into a new beginning.

 

As I start this new year I look forward to a new beginning and many more steps into life, love, and relationship.

 

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

 

~ Mary Oliver ~

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Brittany

Risking the small steps to create the picture, the big picture.

Hi Mom,
I know it’s been quite some time since my last post and honestly, that usually that means my brain was so overwhelmed that I became hyper critical of my writing... ultimately leading me not write much at all.

Alas! My more balanced self has returned from the depths of paper writing, emotional rollercoasters, and just plain life-stress.  What really makes me feel comforted in this whirlwind of a semester though, is that whenever I do get the time to inhale and… wait for it…exhale, I realize how much I have been growing. I realized tonight that I am in a healthy, yet completely confusing place.

I have begun now, (thanks to lots of processing time)  to grasp a better sense of how my brain works and  how in turn that has created the sense of confusion I have.

I see everything as a part of the big picture. I always have, it’s my first instinct. If I get an extension on a paper for school, my initial response is not: “Well now I can relax because I have more time”. It’s actually: “Does this mean I will get the paper back later than everyone else? How will this affect my overall grade? How can I be productive with my time now to make the most of this extension?”

  Everything I do I see in terms of what it means for my life, and the lives of others around me, overall.

I’m not interested in temporary fixes, Band-Aids.  I’m interested in the betterment of the whole situation—everything in context. I’m interested in finding ways to be able to look down the road and know that I will still agree that my decisions/emotions/actions were: valid, honest, and the best I could have given…even if I made mistakes.

Someone the other day gave me this scenario: If one of your closest friends came up to you, on one of the hardest days of your life to date, and could only respond with one action and one phrase what would you ask of them? What would help you heal the most? If they could only say one thing and do one action for you that entire day what would you hope it to be?

Besides being taken off guard by the complexity of the question, my response was actually quite simple. If one of my closest friends came up to me in such a state as the one described and were only allowed to do one thing for me and say one phrase in response to all I had to say I would want it to be just this:

1. Give me a true hug; a longer than average, honest hug

2. Say something that gives me the impression that what happens in my life matters to them.

What followed next was the question: based on this answer, describe how you receive love the best or in other words, what is your love language?

To which I said:

 

Mom, sometimes I want answers to why things are happening in the manner that they are. A bunch of questions are always floating around in my head:

 Are my priorities what I want them to be? Do my actions reflect and point towards those priorities?  Why do I have such AMAZING people in my life?

What does this next semester at Jessup look like for me—where do I see struggles and successes arising and how can I be more prepared for both?

 How can I be more intentional with my time? How can I better communicate to those in my life that their life counts? That they are thought about and loved in every moment of the day? What areas do I need to improve on and what will be my steps to get there?

It is a great thing that I often see the experiences in my life as a part of the bigger picture because... well, they are. This mindset of the bigger picture has allowed me to find encouragement and joy in the littlest of moments. It has helped me see the purpose of pain, struggles, and momentary setbacks. However, sometimes, this big picture mindset can cause me to become more confused, always wanting answers--which ultimately derive from the human desire for security.

Like I’ve been told several times before there is a time for big picture thinking and there is a time for the step by step mentality. Now, I truly believe, is a time for the latter. If you don’t act or react to situations because you are afraid, how will you move forward?

 Again, I catch myself saying that it is okay to give up control; all the details of life are not mine to decide anyways. It’s okay to take things day by day. It’s okay to react in what way I feel I need to. You can’t learn from mistakes if you’re too afraid to make them. You can’t get to the finish line without taking a step. You can’t see the big picture unless you’re willing to risk taking the small steps to create a picture in the first place.

Tonight has been just what I’ve needed. I will never know why everything is happening or why I react to things the way I do, but I can see growth. I can see honesty. I can see a step…and another step…and… look! It’s now Saturday.

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Brittany

Wanting you to live the "Good Life" with us...

Mom,
It has been a while since I've been able to pull together all my thoughts for you, but I figured with an empty apartment and some much needed rest, I would sure try.

Tonight I am taken back to a very distinct day in my memory. It was the summer before my freshman year. Shelby and I had just pulled in the driveway at home around sunset. As we were about to shut off the car " Good Life" by One Republic came on her Ipod. We just stopped for a moment, listening and singing along as if it was the anthem of our hearts in the moment...I believe it was.

I remember that moment so well because it was 4 minutes and 13 seconds of pure reflection and anticipation for the new journey we were both about to head into, college.

As that song now plays on my laptop I am hit with a different reflection. In a little less than two weeks it will be the two year anniversary of your passing.

I really hesitate to mention that,  knowing that some people may have the "you will eventually forget the pain" mentality, but I will anyway-- because saying I haven't forgotten that date is honest. Plain and simple. I want to be honest with myself.

 This song reminds me of that moment when both your daughters stood on the edge of a new life experience, college. AND it reminds me that we had to ( and will continue to have to) do so without you.

Those are always going to be hard words to swallow. No matter how much time has gone by and how much healing has taken, and will continue to take place, in our hearts. 

I believe in these lyrics. " Oh this has got to be a good life, this has got to be a good life, this could really be a good life, good life"--

I know I truly have the good life with the blessings of education, dreams, safety, family and friends... but I still want you to be here with the three of us experiencing these things all together.

I still wonder what it would have been like if you were around. What it would have been like to have both you and Dad texting me just checking in and making sure my Nutella stash is stocked...

                        ...which come to think of it though, my Nutella addiction happened after you got sick, so even the idea that you don't know about that silly part of me makes me take a second in reflection)

I still wonder what it would have been like to have you around when I got my English scholarship, or completed my internship, or started my work with Children's  on Sundays and with the Youth Detention Facility...I'm sure you would have been just as supportive as Dad is.

I still wonder how it would feel to see both you and Dad walk into my apartment to drop things off and make sure all is well with school and life.

Mom, I wish you could have met my close friends here. You would love them all, I just know it. I can imagine you would have been one of those moms who would send me back after school breaks with brownies and delicious treats for the girls I live with.

 I wish I could look out at a choir concert this year and see you AND Dad cheering me on. Choir is such a huge part of my college experience, and it makes me a little sad at times that I will never be able to call you on the phone and tell you  everything about it...what it would be like to hear your voice... :).

I guess all of this is to really say that I just miss the little things. For example,  I just randomly remembered a walk we had with the dog years ago where we talked about how you would call me the first day of college and make sure I paid extra attention to my hair... because, well  as you would say, "you know how I feel about ponytails and frizzy curls" haha!

Despite wishing for all these things right now though, I am smiling.

I am smiling because in recognizing what I miss about having you here with me, I am reminded (at the very same time) of all the things that I will always love about you.

 Sure,  I would give so much up to have you be here on earth again, but this world couldn't give you the best. If you were here it would have been in sickness and suffering.

 In light of that, I will gladly take the heartache and  the pain of October 10th everyday if I have to because while those who knew you may hurt and miss you terribly still-- you are out of pain and you are still keeping an eye on all of the ones you love here.

I love you Mom. Thank you for teaching me everyday what those three words really mean. No matter what, I am always beyond thankful for the 17 years we had with eachother.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

Saturday thoughts: White picket fence or red walled apartment?

Hi Mom,

Can you believe it's August already? I remember the secret fear that I harbored this time last year that college was going to be the hardest time of my life. I have always been one to seek a challenge...but this time a year ago I held the fear that I would go to college and be alone. Yes you have it right, I felt so grown up and yet so little- like a little child in primary school, "Will they like me?"... "Will I make friends that are as wonderful as the ones I've been blessed with already?"

Of course once I stepped foot on campus I felt secure again, why was I so silly?! Of course I would make friends-just because I went to public high school didn't mean I was completely out of the club...

Now, a year later, no fear rests in my heart. I am counting down the days to the moment I return back to campus, yes sometimes even down to the minute :).

 (I love education, I love schedules, I can't help it!)

The closer the new year of opportunities gets though the more I ponder...

 "How does my present life connect to my dream life?"

 I mean I currently attend a school that is only slightly bigger than my high school graduation class (although this year we are increasing are student population dramatically...yay new friends), yet I want to attend a HUGE public college for graduate school (fingers crossed): New York University. Completely opposite environments that include completely opposite student views.

Will this give me an advantage, I think yes. However I wonder: do I have a clear direction?

I am split at the moment. Part of me wants to graduate with my Bachelors, get a job writing or teaching English, someday have a family, live in a place where I can have a house with a white picket fence, porch swing, and red front door-- a place where I can sip my morning coffee while the sun rolls in. Taking the day easy and enjoying the suburban lifestyle which, to some extent,  I have grown up in.

The other part of me ( and right now the larger part) wants to go to graduate school in NY, get some hole-in-the-wall apartment while I get my Masters, fight my way into some wonderful publication or perhaps become an editor... or professor... or find myself an agent... (yes PLEASE), and then get married and have a family which cherishes all the opportunity the "big city"  would afford us. (Wow, I can't believe this is what I think of on a Saturday evening...)

This part of me wants an apartment with a small kitchen, library or study with floor to ceiling bookshelves in cherry wood and a bright red accent wall, a place where I would gladly forgo having a porch or a backyard at all. The dreamer within me wants to live in a big city where busy is the normal and independence is required. A place where you earn the right to assert yourself, a place where the title "writer" is a beautiful and desired pursuit, not just a lofty goal.

And then there are all the random dreams and goals in my heart: to work with teenage girls who are broken (by means of abuse, drugs, cutting...whatever) and become a mentor-like figure in a live-in rehabilitation facility, volunteer regularly with Disabled Sports Association, Intern with the CURE Foundation and something like Invisible Children, study abroad, volunteer with the prison system (on my way!), be continually hospitable even as an adult (giving up any extra rooms or money or food to friends or others in need) , and take walks every summer by the oceans edge...

Where do these all fit? How can I mesh the desire to " live in the moment" which comes with my lifestyle now with a desire to be constantly growing, moving, and doing which is constantly available in big bustling cities like NY or Chicago?

I've been told over and over this summer that I am a goal oriented person. I make a goal and not reaching it, not reaching my potential, is NOT an option. I've also discovered this summer that people and more so RELATIONSHIPS with others fuels me beyond all else.

So how do these two parts of myself play into all my dreams, my future? Well- I have no clue. And the lovely thing is I didn't write this to figure out the answer.

I wrote this so that I could see all the potential that my future has. I wrote this in order to reflect on the goals and dreams that have been placed on my heart and to realize that I have no idea where I'm heading or what is in store for me as I grow older. Mom, I love this. I love that I don't need to know and that it will all work. That is something I have been learning from you. In two years our life changed in every way and it made me realize I have no guarantee of what I will do or where I will be in the future. It made me apprehensive to plan that far in advance to a certain degree. Life is too fragile.

Somehow though, I know that the desires and dreams that rest in my heart will not go unfulfilled. No matter what type of house, job, location, or hobby I pick up I know that all these desires will come to life one day.

Maybe they won't happen how I planned, or in the order that I wish, but the passions in my heart won't be overlooked- they will be a part of my future. Somehow I have hope that all these things, the dreams and plans, will come together through the avenue of relationships and people... and  they will all bring me SO much joy and fulfillment when they do!

Hey, some of these things are ALREADY fulfilling my heart!

I look forward to another great school year Mom. I will write again with updates on all the volunteering,serving, and activities I will be doing later in the month. One thing is for sure though- while I will be busy, I will be LOVING every moment and my heart will be full because I'm living out my goals and priorities in ways I never imagined! Wish you could be here to see the huge smile on my face right now as I have been writing all this- I miss you in these moments too Momma!

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany

Planning to be unplanned.

Mom,
This summer has been unlike any other. I have run off my typical scheduled routine and floated freely this last month and a half doing whatever would make my heart smile: started a health class, baked with Shelb, weekly coffee runs to almost every coffee place in town,writing/editing, lots of lunch and dinner plans, reading...yes- lots of reading, and most recently a trip to Nevada.

It's been surprisingly hard doing only what I wish from the hours of 8am-5pm... I know you would say that is a ridiculous statement to make Mom but it's truly how I feel. Like I said in a previous letter I've always been one to do what would advance me to my goals. I am always striving for something: good grades, free time with friends, a job, a future (just how I planned) but this summer has been the opposite. My stress level has gone from ridiculously high to almost none existent and I am eagerly awaiting the day when that changes.
A few days ago I was in the passenger seat driving to Nevada. Once Upon Another Time by Sara Bareilles on repeat*. Rolling hills and turning roads outside the window. Just reflecting.
This is what came to my mind:
Friends- no matter how long or short our time together is, the one question I hope you never feel you have to ask is: "Do you love me?" My hope is that I'm living my life in such a way that you know the answer always has and always will be: Yes, more than words can express.

Mom,  this has always been my goal in life: To live my life in such a way that those in it know that they always have been and always will be loved far beyond words. And although I love a routine, sometimes that goal can't be met within a schedule and a plan. Sometimes it happens when you let go of control.
I've been learning through several friends this summer that what matters above all is: loving and supporting each other despite anything that the world throws at us.

What fuels my heart is people. That is what I have been reminded of this summer. Above all of my life's plans my biggest fear is to live my life to fulfill my own needs and not strengthen, invest, or love on the people who are in my life.

 If I fail to get rid of my school loans or have a rough time adjusting back to a busy schedule come fall semester I know I ultimately will be fulfilled if I know I have spent time investing in relationships. Focusing on the details. Spending time in the moment. Prioritizing my opportunities to show, through my actions,what really matters to me: my friends and family.

I think this summer is teaching me how to be more unplanned. I'm learning how to take summer day by day and stop focusing so much on controlling my plans, but on making the most of them. I'm being reminded how to laugh when your schedule is changed and love everything and everyone I am given even more. I've slowly been giving up the control I have of my summer and simple focused on people, relationships, and love rather then busy days filled with a long to-do list but no impact to be made.
It's been a good break from my normal ways...even if it means I have to plan this summer to be unplanned.
Wow, I have so much of you within me Mom!

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Britt
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIXlPxblIpQ