Hi Mom,
I'm sitting here, staring out the same window, with the same black cat staring back as I have the last (almost) 3 weeks.
A dear friend of mine just left after an unfortunate, but totally acceptable, rushed visit and this post is being written, actually by voice recording on my phone first...since I'm panicking and already forgetting the point I had to share. I'm imagining my friend is still here, because when people are here that I love, focus is here too.
Recovery isn't as idyllic as it's portrayed. To be honest, I have not watched one full movie, only two Grey's Anatomy episodes, and not read a whole book. It makes me sad.
I have peaks of focus, no stamina, and I work around all of those moments. I work at my peak and with an efficiency that I can only attribute to the prayers before, during, and after.
LOVING the field of work I'm in helps a ton too.
Everyone told me the worst (surgery) is behind me, and to prepare for the idyllic. What I've gotten is so opposite of that.
I've gotten curve balls. Early post op side effects, still doctors calls every other day, fatigue, naps out of necessity, not journaling ( & no, blogging isn't the same) for a month, & taking two weeks to research hotels that would have taken an hour.
Surprising to even me, this isn't a pity party post, it's actually the opposite. But in order to get to that part you needed to know the truth.
Even with my old background in children's softball, I'm having to learn how to hit curveballs again.
Even the simple ones. Working for 3 hrs 50 minutes & taking a 30 minute break, then finishing the last ten. Because sometimes ten minutes is a huge curveball, but it STILL is an obstacle you can overcome.
I'm thankful for friends, doughnuts, prayers, cast art, early birthday cards, and all those short visits or small things that distract me from my fear of forgetting things. My fear that my small appetite will remain small.
And I'm thankful for my friends subconscious acceptance of my apology for making visits sometimes too business-ey. I haven't quite yet mastered the art of answering your questions,& in our bubble of my focus, get to what I care about: YOU.
Thank you friends for teaching me, slowly, how to hit a curve ball again. I'm so thankful for phone voice recorders....and here come the kids. Time to play.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Friday, February 7, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Medicated Mania
Hi Mom,
Considering this is the first day I've had the strength or to be truthful, desire to blog in any sense since surgery, I'm just going to bullet point some ideas I want to come back to.
Here we go:
-Hospital days and the things you block out from previous surgeries:
I.e. IV's, your last moments walking and how all you want to do is sit down & chain yourself to the hospital floor, how you say before the pre-op room you have to go to the bathroom, but actually throw up out of nerves and scan for all the exits ( even from the fourth floor). How no matter how strong you try to be the doctor will always make you cry going over the surgery, and the fearful trip from gurney to the OR table and how you cry like an infant when your friends cant see.
- post surgery: friends who stay, get "creative" with gowns, video record you, arrive just in the nick of time to stop you from feeling defeated and instead, spoon feed you peas in between delicious snuck-in donuts because you're too weak to feed yourself, fathers who will sing Annie with your medicated self, surprises of a lifetime on your last night, and sharing the gospel and connecting your favorite nurse aid to church!
-why the hospital makes recovery seem ok, safe, less lonely...even without meds
-what emotions, mothers, and new seasons and living quarters really mean.
-the necessity of friends and family surprises, even if they are cities, states, and 5 minutes away.
I'll be back soon. Even in the bad days there is light...even if that light is only in the form of funny dreams, hugs when you're too afraid to ask, or yoga pants.
Love always and forever
Your daughter,
Britty.
Considering this is the first day I've had the strength or to be truthful, desire to blog in any sense since surgery, I'm just going to bullet point some ideas I want to come back to.
Here we go:
-Hospital days and the things you block out from previous surgeries:
I.e. IV's, your last moments walking and how all you want to do is sit down & chain yourself to the hospital floor, how you say before the pre-op room you have to go to the bathroom, but actually throw up out of nerves and scan for all the exits ( even from the fourth floor). How no matter how strong you try to be the doctor will always make you cry going over the surgery, and the fearful trip from gurney to the OR table and how you cry like an infant when your friends cant see.
- post surgery: friends who stay, get "creative" with gowns, video record you, arrive just in the nick of time to stop you from feeling defeated and instead, spoon feed you peas in between delicious snuck-in donuts because you're too weak to feed yourself, fathers who will sing Annie with your medicated self, surprises of a lifetime on your last night, and sharing the gospel and connecting your favorite nurse aid to church!
-why the hospital makes recovery seem ok, safe, less lonely...even without meds
-what emotions, mothers, and new seasons and living quarters really mean.
-the necessity of friends and family surprises, even if they are cities, states, and 5 minutes away.
I'll be back soon. Even in the bad days there is light...even if that light is only in the form of funny dreams, hugs when you're too afraid to ask, or yoga pants.
Love always and forever
Your daughter,
Britty.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Audience of one.
Hi Mom,
My life has been a mess as of late. My list of phone calls doesn't get shorter- the names just get replaced. I'm churning out essays for classes without really even connecting with them emotionally. I'm spending my spare time searching Amazon for medical equipment, then having dreams at night of me sprinting, in all it's unknown glory, up hills and eating breakfast outside on a park bench--just like I've always wanted.
Mom, I've realized lately that it has been months without the piano. It's been months without being able to just sit in a room and listen to the sound of the keys creating a story.To sit in a quiet room, my seat the only one filled in the audience.Why did I ever have to fall in love with the piano?
The desire to be an "audience of one" is so telling of my life right now, in more ways than just a need again for the piano.
I have been convicted lately that God too desires to be my audience of one. Sure, I can't play the piano as beautifully as my 7-year-old self once could... but I don't think God would appreciate "Here Comes the Bride" on repeat for the rest of my life too much anyways.
He wants me to speak with Him like I know that He took the time out of his day for me. He wants me to say thanks as if He had taken his lunch break and played the piano for an hour just for me.
Because the truth is, we both know, that being an audience of one to a private piano concert is about so much more than my love for the piano. It's about the peace that overcomes my soul when I know someone is playing just for me. It's about me knowing that the music they are creating is God's way of saying "Daughter, I am here. I placed this on this person's heart to share with you, so that you may know that I'm looking out for you. I will speak to you the way you receive... and the way you can no longer give."
God knows I can no longer play piano, and so do those who play for me. Yet, just as I desire to tell those who play for me that I am here, that I am listening, that I am for them- love them. God desires to tell me the same thing, not just through the piano, but in daily conversation as well.
I better start practicing some; since my audience of one wants to hear all the sounds of my life.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
My life has been a mess as of late. My list of phone calls doesn't get shorter- the names just get replaced. I'm churning out essays for classes without really even connecting with them emotionally. I'm spending my spare time searching Amazon for medical equipment, then having dreams at night of me sprinting, in all it's unknown glory, up hills and eating breakfast outside on a park bench--just like I've always wanted.
The desire to be an "audience of one" is so telling of my life right now, in more ways than just a need again for the piano.
I have been convicted lately that God too desires to be my audience of one. Sure, I can't play the piano as beautifully as my 7-year-old self once could... but I don't think God would appreciate "Here Comes the Bride" on repeat for the rest of my life too much anyways.
He wants me to speak with Him like I know that He took the time out of his day for me. He wants me to say thanks as if He had taken his lunch break and played the piano for an hour just for me.
Because the truth is, we both know, that being an audience of one to a private piano concert is about so much more than my love for the piano. It's about the peace that overcomes my soul when I know someone is playing just for me. It's about me knowing that the music they are creating is God's way of saying "Daughter, I am here. I placed this on this person's heart to share with you, so that you may know that I'm looking out for you. I will speak to you the way you receive... and the way you can no longer give."
God knows I can no longer play piano, and so do those who play for me. Yet, just as I desire to tell those who play for me that I am here, that I am listening, that I am for them- love them. God desires to tell me the same thing, not just through the piano, but in daily conversation as well.
I better start practicing some; since my audience of one wants to hear all the sounds of my life.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Sunday, November 3, 2013
CRE·A·TIVE
krēˈātiv/:
MARKED BY THE ABILITY OR POWER TO CREATE
Mom,
This is the full definition of creative according to Merriam's Dictionary. And while I have so much I could talk about, I want to focus on my
latest consuming thought: the creative process.
Having been working in my new job for two months now (in the office for 7), and
working on becoming a better leader and individual through my classes, I realize why it is I love what I do. It’s all about the
creative process.
I have come to the conclusion even more clearly within
the last month, that one of the needs I have to meet in my life is fulfilling
the desire within my soul to create things. To be able to challenge my own
mind, to express the depths of my soul, to add to the creative sphere the lens in
which I see the world is something I need to be able to do. I need to do it in order to be fully myself.
I need to be in an environment that can adapt, change, grow.
An environment that isn't constricted so tightly by rules and instead flows out
of guidelines. An environment that can be presented with a new spin, something
unique and interesting.
Today is November 3rd. A day I dedicated to doing
absolutely anything I wanted to do. I have been feeling a little dry of
inspiration and creativity as of late, and so I knew if I was to sustain progress within my
professional life, and more importantly in my personal life, I had to remedy this
situation as quickly as possible. Having the outlet to be creative and having
the fresh perspective to implement such ideas keep my attitude positive,
despite other worldly things going on. Being creative and staying inspired is one
of the many ways I keep connected with God. When I create, whether it's words, images, designs, or events what is produced taps into a deeper level of my being.
Soooo anyways, I took today to rest and absorb. Goodness, it
was/is hard. I don’t really like allowing myself to be free with my schedule…my
weekends are often filled with a delicate balance of homework, fun, church, and
volunteering...so focusing solely on fun and my desires alone is hard.
Nonetheless, I spent my entire morning scanning Pinterest,
looking up quotes, perusing blogs, finding recipes and diy projects and just
soaking in designs, inspiration, and beauty in nature and in tangibles. I then
spent time drinking coffee and (!) got my nails done (which is a rarity as I never
like to spend $ on myself—even if I sit and stare at my nails in awe of their
beauty for days afterwards).
After spending time drinking in the beloved brew of life and
sitting in reflection as Juan painted my nails a dark grey, I headed over to
the beloved Target. I wandered the isles of office supplies-making so many
rounds the staff had to make sure I didn’t need help finding anything THREE times.
Picked up a pine scented candle for my room—candles are another beloved thing
of mine I never splurge on. I then proceeded over to the clothes, taking my
time sorting through each individual piece in search of something olive green.
Olive or forest green is my favorite color this season and I’m thinking my work
space, and my wardrobe, needs to incorporate the love of this and teal.
Even though it felt like I was off the grid of time for
days(see what I did there?), it was only 3 PM at this point, and so I went to the park and straight to
the swings where I spent time singing to myself a song I have been working on. (yes, for reals).
When I arrived home I went back to absorbing office and
bedroom designs, working through a few color schemes, doodling and journaling.
It’s only 6:45 and I’m struggling, after having read some,
on what to do with my time but I’m determined to not touch my homework. Sure, I
have a paper due Tuesday and another due Wednesday, but I know I work well under
pressure and I really need to learn to be okay with doing what I need to do for
my soul.
I need to learn to be okay with the human need I have of feeding myself,on all levels. If I don’t,
everything suffers and my insides become empty. I truly believe any paper
written on an empty heart, an empty inside, is not only poor work, but it lacks
a connection to the writers soul. A connection that is required should a piece
ever have meaning to the individual.
All this to say, creative expression is a requirement and a true passion, one that I need to stop ignoring so easily.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Friday, October 4, 2013
Stand.
Hi Mom,
This morning I was standing in chapel, as I always do on Friday mornings, and I wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down because my left hip was tired, my legs were trembling from exhaustion, and it was a fight.
It was a fight to keep standing. To hold back the tears. To choose life not death. To fight past the pain and continue standing, because it wasn't why I was standing, but who I was standing for,that mattered.
I don't think many people actually understand how painful and exhausting it is, for a body like mine, to stand still. Honestly, for any amount of time, it becomes an immediate battle. A mental game...can I beat my body? What really are my motives for sitting- is it just to get out of the fight?
In those moments of standing, every Friday, I battle insecurity.
During chapel it's a little bit easier, as long as no one asks me to sit in the front row, I can lean on the chair in front of me and know that, at least if exhaustion kicks in, I have a little bit of barrier between me and the floor. Myself and embarrassment.
But this morning. This morning was much more of a struggle than normal. For no particular reason, my body did not want to cooperate.
But I stood there the entire worship set. I stood not because of pride. I stood, I stand, because standing and not sitting for worship is the ultimate sacrifice for me. Standing means that I have to trust God to keep me up. It means I have to take control of my pain through prayer, I have to rely on my faith, and believe that God understands I am standing during that time for Him.
I am standing for everything that He has done in my life. For the people He has brought me. For the love He gives to me...
...for the body He has given me...
Regardless of how hard that last part was to say, I am thankful for a body which always reminds me of His joy. A body that provides me with so many tears, so many moments of weakness, yet so many opportunities for gratitude.
I stood today. I embraced my weakness. I stood today because one day, the pain will be too much, and God will ask me to sit...He will force me to sit...and I will comply... and sitting will at that moment become my ultimate sacrifice.
This morning I was standing in chapel, as I always do on Friday mornings, and I wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down because my left hip was tired, my legs were trembling from exhaustion, and it was a fight.
It was a fight to keep standing. To hold back the tears. To choose life not death. To fight past the pain and continue standing, because it wasn't why I was standing, but who I was standing for,that mattered.I don't think many people actually understand how painful and exhausting it is, for a body like mine, to stand still. Honestly, for any amount of time, it becomes an immediate battle. A mental game...can I beat my body? What really are my motives for sitting- is it just to get out of the fight?
In those moments of standing, every Friday, I battle insecurity.
During chapel it's a little bit easier, as long as no one asks me to sit in the front row, I can lean on the chair in front of me and know that, at least if exhaustion kicks in, I have a little bit of barrier between me and the floor. Myself and embarrassment.
But this morning. This morning was much more of a struggle than normal. For no particular reason, my body did not want to cooperate.
But I stood there the entire worship set. I stood not because of pride. I stood, I stand, because standing and not sitting for worship is the ultimate sacrifice for me. Standing means that I have to trust God to keep me up. It means I have to take control of my pain through prayer, I have to rely on my faith, and believe that God understands I am standing during that time for Him.
I am standing for everything that He has done in my life. For the people He has brought me. For the love He gives to me...
...for the body He has given me...
Regardless of how hard that last part was to say, I am thankful for a body which always reminds me of His joy. A body that provides me with so many tears, so many moments of weakness, yet so many opportunities for gratitude.
I stood today. I embraced my weakness. I stood today because one day, the pain will be too much, and God will ask me to sit...He will force me to sit...and I will comply... and sitting will at that moment become my ultimate sacrifice.
But until then, I will stand.
I will stand for Him and I will let the tears of pain...let the aches... be what they may.
Momma, I love you.
Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Britt
Saturday, September 28, 2013
If tears could be colored, mine would be red.
Hi Mom,
This week has been such a growing, eye opening experience for me. In so many ways it has been just the same as all the others of this month: juggling two jobs, going to class, keeping on top of Skype conversations and writing paper after paper. Yet, in so many ways it has been completely different.
Two of my classes in particular, both leadership courses, are completely turning my world upside down. It is both the greatest and hardest feeling. I love that I am continually challenged to participate in reflection and self-examination, yet with a deeper understanding comes a need for addressing fears and acting on gained knowledge.
I now can accurately, and with complete belief and confidence, describe to you my God-given purpose. I have always known to some degree that the reason I am on this planet is because I believe others matter and I operate out of the principle of " Intentional investment", but to actually announce it in a room full of creatives (which included the band manager for Rascal Flatts), really defined it for me.
This week has really been all about me spending time challenging myself and putting all I do and say up to that test. When I do (blank)/ talk to (blank)/ participate in (blank) is it obvious that my purpose for doing it is to make sure other people know they matter? Is it obvious to said person/ organization that I am being intentional and that " what matters to them, matters to me"?
And if it is not, how can I realign myself to communicate my purpose? How can I improve? And when I say "improve", it is not to say that I have been failing, but rather recognizing that this life is about growth. No one is perfect, but if God has made it clear what my purpose is, I need to pursue it with everything I have to give Him glory.
So why does this all matter, Mom? Because I realized that once I recognized what it was God has always been calling me to live out, I realized He hasn't left me. He still loves me.
Those closest to me know I have been wrestling a lot with fear of failure. Fear that though my biggest dream is to be entirely independent, that somehow I will fail. That somehow I will forget to pay a bill, or not work hard enough, or whatever and my adult life will suddenly be taken away. Like if I make a mistake, it's all over, and I must go back to eating on the kids menu, sitting at the kids holiday party table, and living with Dad. And let's be real, we both know that I have worked waaayyy to hard to get away from the question "Would you like a kids menu?" That when the question finally stopped coming at 17, (17 PEOPLE!?!! REALLY?!) I refuse to be seen as a child, in that manner, ever again.
The thing is though Mom, I've never believed that independence means isolation from help...how could I when the entire Christian faith is about God helping us, saving us, when we don't deserve it...
And God really wants me to remember never to see independence as an isolating goal. I can still have independence and have moments of struggle. I thought He left me. This month, I had doubts that with all the struggles He has given me lately that He up and said "Well Britt, you're still you, so I'm going to cut you off from my good graces. See ya!" But He never did. He reminded me that He was there when I watched Him answer my prayers for my friends. I saw He was still there when I felt the love of those closest to me, as they talked with me,during a late night. I saw He was still there when, after an entire month dedicated to prayer, He is allowing me to go to Georgia and check another thing off my doctors ordered bucket list. I saw He was there when people still want to be my friend, and share life with me, even on the days when I don't feel good enough to have them around.
He may be giving me challenges...lots of tears...uncertainties...decisions to make... but I know when I can't see Him that He is still there. He is still reminding me that the people in my life are His greatest blessings to my heart. They are the way I see Him move and love me. Every. Single. Moment.
This week has been such a growing, eye opening experience for me. In so many ways it has been just the same as all the others of this month: juggling two jobs, going to class, keeping on top of Skype conversations and writing paper after paper. Yet, in so many ways it has been completely different.
Two of my classes in particular, both leadership courses, are completely turning my world upside down. It is both the greatest and hardest feeling. I love that I am continually challenged to participate in reflection and self-examination, yet with a deeper understanding comes a need for addressing fears and acting on gained knowledge.
I now can accurately, and with complete belief and confidence, describe to you my God-given purpose. I have always known to some degree that the reason I am on this planet is because I believe others matter and I operate out of the principle of " Intentional investment", but to actually announce it in a room full of creatives (which included the band manager for Rascal Flatts), really defined it for me.
This week has really been all about me spending time challenging myself and putting all I do and say up to that test. When I do (blank)/ talk to (blank)/ participate in (blank) is it obvious that my purpose for doing it is to make sure other people know they matter? Is it obvious to said person/ organization that I am being intentional and that " what matters to them, matters to me"?
And if it is not, how can I realign myself to communicate my purpose? How can I improve? And when I say "improve", it is not to say that I have been failing, but rather recognizing that this life is about growth. No one is perfect, but if God has made it clear what my purpose is, I need to pursue it with everything I have to give Him glory.
So why does this all matter, Mom? Because I realized that once I recognized what it was God has always been calling me to live out, I realized He hasn't left me. He still loves me.
Those closest to me know I have been wrestling a lot with fear of failure. Fear that though my biggest dream is to be entirely independent, that somehow I will fail. That somehow I will forget to pay a bill, or not work hard enough, or whatever and my adult life will suddenly be taken away. Like if I make a mistake, it's all over, and I must go back to eating on the kids menu, sitting at the kids holiday party table, and living with Dad. And let's be real, we both know that I have worked waaayyy to hard to get away from the question "Would you like a kids menu?" That when the question finally stopped coming at 17, (17 PEOPLE!?!! REALLY?!) I refuse to be seen as a child, in that manner, ever again.
The thing is though Mom, I've never believed that independence means isolation from help...how could I when the entire Christian faith is about God helping us, saving us, when we don't deserve it...
And God really wants me to remember never to see independence as an isolating goal. I can still have independence and have moments of struggle. I thought He left me. This month, I had doubts that with all the struggles He has given me lately that He up and said "Well Britt, you're still you, so I'm going to cut you off from my good graces. See ya!" But He never did. He reminded me that He was there when I watched Him answer my prayers for my friends. I saw He was still there when I felt the love of those closest to me, as they talked with me,during a late night. I saw He was still there when, after an entire month dedicated to prayer, He is allowing me to go to Georgia and check another thing off my doctors ordered bucket list. I saw He was there when people still want to be my friend, and share life with me, even on the days when I don't feel good enough to have them around.
He may be giving me challenges...lots of tears...uncertainties...decisions to make... but I know when I can't see Him that He is still there. He is still reminding me that the people in my life are His greatest blessings to my heart. They are the way I see Him move and love me. Every. Single. Moment.
Love is seen in the outpouring of tears. Tears of gratitude for life, despite the challenges.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
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