I want to be a little kid again

Momma,

I miss you so much today! It has been such a hard day for dad, shelb, and I.Today marks the 6 month anniversary of your brain surgery at Stanford. Who would have guessed that 6 months later my heart would still be just as hurt and broken as it was on that day. Christmas morning at Stanford in the ICU was the very last time I heard your beautiful voice.Mom, that day was so so so hard for me. By two-o-clock something had happened to you, and you were fiercely pointing at me babbling and crying because you could no longer speak. Little did you know that you had a stroke the night before...little did We know.

Mom, after all this time I still sit here and day dream about...why it is that you were pointing at ME?Why were you trying to speak to ME? What did you have to tell ME? Why were you crying to ME? Mom, you and I both know that our relationship has been a struggle since the begining. However, I still love you so much. I still have so much I have wanted to share with you. So much I have wanted to tell you. Will I ever get the chance to truly tell you how much happiness you bring to my heart? Will I ever get to discuss with you why it is I choose God, church,fellowship? I know you don't like me discussing it with you sometimes.. but what about now?When you are hurting, do you believe now that God is the only one that can truly heal you inside and out? Because I do. I believe God loves you momma.I believe I love you and I believe somewhere in your heart you know He is out there. I hope and pray mom that you realize I want nothing but the BEST LIFE for you. Even if you don't listen to me when I speak of Jesus.I pray that you at least hear that line. "I want nothing but the BEST LIFE for you".I have good intentions Momma, I promise.

I feel that since December 22nd-the day we headed up to stanford-I have struggled. Of course not nearly as much as you... that is obvious...but nonetheless I've struggled. I have lost my voice.I lost my will to cry out. I'm such a desperate person right now mom. I lost my voice...I lost the one part of me that allowed me to stay positive in strife. Without my voice I can't cry out to God. I can't beg my friends to be there for me. I can't explain the absolute pain that I am in everyday because of this.

DONT GET ME WRONG...
I believe you are getting better...&I promise to rejoice when you laugh, make babbling noises, half-smiles, points, every time you acknowlege my presence. I promise you I will fight the pain and difficult thoughts with every living breath I have.

For a really long time mom I lost my voice. I lost my desire to seek closer to God, my desire to be happy, my desire for peace, and most important to me my desire for love and fellowship. I want it back now.

My voice has not recovered quite yet. I still can't fully explain to my friends and mentors that i need their support and positive thoughts and prayers ALL THE TIME...and the truth is i probably will never have the guts too. I still have a desire to go to Alex,Kirsten,Megan, Jackie and Jessica and beg for them to be apart of my lives. No, not just a part...i want them involved.

I am seeking God more now than before, I am giving every ounce of my strength to you when I visit, I am trying to find my voice.I just want to know that you and others want to hear my voice. I guess that is why i can't explain myself like I use to.

Today of all days though..above all other things i want you to hear that I need you. Today I woke up and struggled to get out of bed.Not even small group with Jessica and Stefanie excited me today.I wanted to be a little kid. I wanted to be four years old again.

I want to run into your arms and cry. I want you to say "It's okay, mom is here" just like you did when I was little.For about five months now I have this dream of me outside of Top it off(of all places) sitting,crying, being held.It sounds cheesy momma I know, but I want to be held MORE NOW THAN WHEN I WAS LITTLE... I want to be physically held, not just by God but by the ones I love.

I want MY MOM BACK.

I started this blog as a way to explain my feelings during this recovery of yours. I started this blog as a coping method for myself. It made me feel like you are still apart of my day to day life. However, as I finish out this entry i realize this blog has also become a place where I have secretly mended my relationship with you.

With love ALWAYS your DAUGHTER,
Brittany