Trying to tear down my walls

To my beautiful mother,

Okay..so... I'm finally willing to try and explain to you what is going on in my heart.

Beare with me though please i might need to get a couple boxes of tissues along the way.


Why is this so hard for me? It has been four months since I've been able to hear your voice. Four months since I have been able to lie down next to you and chat about life. Four months since I have been able to taste your delicious food. Four months since I've been able to arrive home from school...swing open the door into the house... and see your face pop out from the kitchen.Four months since I have been able to sit in the car with you as you drive me to wherever i please. Four months since I've heard you sing "Boom Boom Pow" or " Single Ladies".

I have about, according to the doctors, 10 more months to endure.The last time I really wrote to you on here was in Feburary. At that point I had felt I may finally be begining to adjust to your absence. I was SO wrong:(.

Its almost May now... I still dream of what the future may hold for our family. I still have sudden realizations that I will NEVER be able to sit in a car and have you drive me places.It still dawns on me every so often that you may Never be able to teach me how to cook. It still scares me that you may be stuck in a wheelchair the rest of your life. I've always dreamed of more than that for you.

December 22nd, the evening before this whole nightmare begun I promised you that I would continue wearing my ring that has a heart on it everyday untill you return home. Because at the time you felt i didnt wear it enough so I made you that promise. You still aren't home yet. I'm still wearing the ring you gave me in santa cruz. I promised you and i will keep that promise.

So.. as you can tell having you gone still has an impact on me today even four months later. The truth is mom, I wont ever get use to your absence. i will still have days when the only thing that would make me feel better is your voice.
The thing is mom, my friends do care about me.. this i know...but there is no way that they can feel my pain. I have to stop praying that they will comfort me in this because they can't .they may try but sometimes all they need to do is hug me..not say anything... just hug me.

So to my dismay i cant continue explaining my feelings anymore today.. it hurts me just to know that you are lying in Carmichael now(yippee) staring at a tv screen... and you have no idea how much my heart has grown for you. I love you always and forever. Britty