I am mystery. I am a locked room in a tall tower

Mom,
Okay. So I have no idea this time what I will be writing about. I think I'm internally hoping that as I continue typing that something will spew out of my mess.

Wow. my brain is a pile of laundry. So many different things to think about: Emotions, the lack of my homecoming plans, speech and debate endeavors, friend situations, my uneasy heart... I have no idea what to say.

Some much...yet I feel as if no one is listening.
                                                                       Why do I care?
 This is pathetic, I apologize.

I miss you.

                                        ...but its more than that now... I feel THE VOID.

The void, that everyone thought I had before but didn't,  is now actually present in my heart and mind.

I feel it all around me, in every part of me. Trying to pretend that I get the same joy out of things like I did before...whether its Student Leadership or watching my favorite show "What Not to Wear"... well, I can't keep pretending. It's here and I want/ need to accept it.

I'm trying to keep myself busy, occupied. Trying to delve deeper into Ekklesia, Church, Student Leadership, Homework. Friends...anything to try to gap this whole. Surprisingly- I'm not depressed or upset about it but rather confused and uncertain.

I see myself spending more time with friends to try to find some of the love I find in you..I find myself more frequently stopping by her classroom just to chat, not about anything deep, just normal day to day how are yous...  In hope that I can leave the classroom and tackle my day with an encouraged heart (because of a role model)...I want to leave with an encouragement similar to the one you unknowingly gave to me every morning.

How is it that you inevitably shaped my desires?? I'll be first to admit, I had no clue what a presence, just a body of someone that I loved did to me. I realize that what I miss isn't just the quirks and annoyances that were you... but more so- just the physical presence of you in the room, just your smile, your being. What I would give for that.

On a random tangent, I just want to say I'm not sad today...rather reflective :)

Love always your daughter,
                                       Brittany

P.S. The title of this entry is lyrics from Brooke Fraser's "Deciphering Me" and it just seemed to fit the weird state that my brain is in today