Strength comes not from the body, but from the heart: Part 1

Caution: what you are about to read is pure emotion written on paper. I’ve been trying to avoid doing this on here for a few reasons…
1. My sister reads my blog, at least I think she does, and she says all that I write is very emotional and I don’t know if she likes it
…sorry sis I’m not writing for you, I need to get this out…
2. I’m just plain scared, scared to confront what is right in front of my face.
But I think it needs to be done for my own sanity

Mom,
Everyone knows we don’t have that much time left together…I’m still hopeful but also: I’m scared. I started this blog for you-as a way of staying connected. I wrote it as if one day you would be able to come home and read it… and get a sense of what we’ve done and what you’ve overcome. Its no longer a thought but a reality: you won’t get to read this.

Despite that fact, I will still be writing on here, to you. Because I will resort to being a little kid….a little kid who thinks that this blog somehow gets to you, whether through telekinesis or that it travels from me to God to you some how. I will always be a child in that way. I will always believe that you are reading this, I have to-or else what is my purpose?
My heart hurts…I’m pretending that the small pool collecting on my shirt isn’t from tears, but that it is you splashing water on me from the pool, like you used to when you were exercising.
I want my friends & hugs & a big tub of chunky monkey ice cream to drown my sorrows in.

As I’ve been visiting you these past two days a few things have been on the fore front of my mind

1. I want to run! Run out of the room, down the halls, out of the hospital, and all the way back to November 13th….a few days before your first noticeable stroke, before all this began…

2. I can’t cry…. I don’t want to cry while I’m visiting you, I want to be strong….because just in case you can hear me, or see me ,or feel my presence, I don’t want you to see me cry, I don’t want to frighten you…I want to be strong for dad and Shelb too…but mostly for you. I want you to remember that WE FOUGHT TOGETHER for you.

3. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Never forget that mom. NEVER. Despite the ups and downs of our relationship I love you more every second of every day. You ARE a fighter, you ARE an inspiration, you ARE my mom and I love you more than I can express

When I visited today with the rest of the family…I really just wanted to climb into bed with you and talk about things: life, school, friends, boys, homecoming, and even puppies…to be honest I don’t care what we talked about, I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted you to wipe my tears, you to hug me….you to come back to life, to turn back into the mom you are. I hate seeing you like this, just listening to yourself breathe.

I’m so thankful for the time I had you in my arms, I’m so thankful for your advice, your hugs, your laugh, your first-day-of-school brownies, your “Belinda’s Chipotle”, your beautifully creative designs and party ideas, the way you would freak out when my hair wasn’t perfect, and the way you cleaned the house when you were stressed, danced in the car to Black eyed peas, belted out solos to Journey, and were at every one of Shelby’s water polo games. I’m thankful for car rides to the gym, your persistence when it came to my surgery recovery, your addiction to Andies mints, and the way you loved to shop and spend time with us. I’m thankful that you thought ahead…driving Shelby and I to consider college plans way before we got into High School, the way you picked out colors for our future weddings, and even thought about how to decorate our first home.

I’m thankful for every part of you, everything you had to offer, and your amazing character.
More to come in part two…My heart and body can only handle so many tears….

Love your Daughter, Britty