Once again I must begin by saying I’ve completely avoided coming back to this. It seems to hurt more and more as minutes pass.
I’ve given myself time to process a little more of what is going on and what you are about to read is a collection of crazy, emotionally charged, unconnected thoughts that have been rushing through my head like a train running off the tracks.
A knife is lodged in my heart…with every second it falls closer to my core…it travels deeper and deeper, becoming almost completely out of reach. It appeared September 23rd and told me it’s not leaving for some time. I try not to acknowledge its presence…I’m diving as deep into my studies as I can get
Lately I’ve even been making up (out of thin air) homework assignments that I can do just so I can keep occupied. Whether it’s pretending that my teacher asked us to read ahead in AP lit or rewriting my notes for Government just because I made one mistake… I have officially convinced myself the reason I am doing all this work is to get better grades and to please my parents…the truth is, I just want to keep myself busy.
I have lost inspiration…I’ve lost my ability to freely express how I feel about what is going on…to be honest this angers me the most. I LOVE TALKING….mom, you know I would talk to a tree if it would listen long enough. Yet now, I can’t put my emotions into words…I stop myself from processing what is going on. I feel like I’m searching for something to talk to you about when I visit-only wanting to bring things back to normal. I’m too afraid of what others will think if I speak my mind and ask: Can you hug me right now?
I thought I was a better person than that… I thought I had the strength to ask for what I need no matter how ridiculous it sounds to others. Obviously not. Yesterday being the most current example: I just wanted a really long hug…a hug where it’s just long enough to make me feel safe but not too long to where I feel guilty about being such a little kid.
Over time, it is said that we grow up. Overtime, it is said that we mature. Become less needy. Less dependent.
Clearly, I’m not there yet.
I have never felt more like a little 5 year old Britty then within the past two weeks. I need people to show love. Some people have…and I am so appreciative for that. I need to be supported, almost protected- from my own negative thoughts.
I have now cried…In front of people. Tuesday…and Friday…. Sure, looking back I find it thoroughly embarrassing but I don’t really mind. At the time all I felt was pain, all that I saw in my mind was you.
I’m too angry with myself &my inability to explain what’s going on to continue typing tonight…maybe I’ll come back later and finish my thoughts. Until then…
Mom- looking back at old photos of you today with dad once again reminds me that your arms were such a warm place to rest when it seems like I can’t make it to the end of the day. I love you …and I thank those who also love you and us during this difficult time.
Love always and forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
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