Choosing my fifth word...

For my Advanced Placement Literature course we were asked to pick an SSR book, one that is commonly used on the exam... so that we can be prepared for the essay portion. While at first I simply thought "Really? I'm a Senior in High School and I'm still required to do SSR, I thought that was 5th grade stuff? This is ridiculous." My thoughts have changed. I choose to read Dante's Divine Comedy and the prologue caught my eye.

It said:
"The true mark of any writer is in the choices he makes. Having written three words, he must choose a fourth. Having written four, he must choose a fifth. Nothing happens into a good poem; everything must be chosen into it.”

With that, this is my fifth word:Desperation.
I feel desperate. Desperate for comfort. Desperate for peace of the heart. Desperate to feel beautiful. Desperate to feel loved. Desperate to be remembered. Desperate to grow in Christ. Desperate for meaning. Desperate for grace. Desperate to be valued. Desperate to be worth something, to someone.

Where is this desperation coming from? Why have I not been able to be myself, why can't I find my piece of happiness?

Being a teenager means a lot of up and down, conflicting emotions. I understand that. However, it makes me sad to think about how many teenage girls have felt or are feeling like myself. Just plain desperate to be loved. Desperate for a solid rock. Desperate for company during a time of trial.

Desperation can lead you to do so many things you will regret. It has been a constant daily struggle to fight those feelings this week. The feelings to adapt who I am in order to fit in. The feelings to just call someone and say: 'I need you to say you love me, so that maybe I wont feel so alone.' The feelings to feel negative, so that maybe someone will notice I need a shoulder to cry on.

I know it's pathetic to admit that I am desperate for love.Especially when Jesus loves me beyond belief. However pathetic it may be, it's still how I feel, and I want to be truthful.

I know that God loves me... but it is at moments like this, moments when I feel no one wants me to belong, that the concept of His love is hard for me to grasp. I beg for Him to use me to love on others. I beg for Him to use me to save others from desperation, so they don't feel like I do. I beg that He uses me to comfort others in their times of need. I beg for Him to speak to my heart.

Mom, I also pray that He uses me to comfort you and to mend our relationship while you are away from me. I beg for Him to mend our hearts and bring us closer together during our times of trial and moments when we are desperate for answers.

"Father move me. Rid me of my desperation. Bring people into my life this next week to love on me. Prove to me Father that I am valued by You. Please, bring me a heart full of love for others, a body strengthened by Your grace, and a mind filled with the knowledge that You choose me and You will save me.All this in Your name, Amen"
Your Daughter,
Brittany