Mom,
I honestly don't know where to start with things. I can't believe it has really been 7 months and 17 days since I have seen you walk the halls of our house, or cook in our kitchen. My heart is breaking. I woke this morning at 3:17 am in full on tears. I was having a nightmare in which I went to visit you at the nursing home and you were taking your last breath. The screen went flat line, and I woke up in a panic. I feverishly was praying it was only a dream, thankfully it was.
Mom, I just can't find myself anymore.
I have lost every desire to speak my emotions. I want to understand how I'm feeling...I want to be able to explain to those close to me why I feel so hurt, so broken... I really do...So why won't those words come to my lips?
No, instead I write entries on a blog that was created for you,one that you may or may not ever get the chance to read. Instead of speaking to those whom I share my heart, with which is what I want... I type my feelings on these keys, writing them down for an audience that is invisible.
I did a lot of soul searching while I was on my college road trip. Trying to figure out why I feel so unconnected. Not only with God, but with my friends as well.
Last summer was a difficult one as you know...our relationship as mother and daughter was really shaken, but somehow I still look back at last summer as the best so far. I look back to that time and I see the good. I see how close I got to my mentors and friends. I see how happy I was despite the family issues that were secretly going on.
Now, obviously things are different. We no longer have family issues, but rather we have a broken family. Your absence in the house has made a strong impact on all of us. I could say we're adjusting, and we are, but everyone knows the pain is still underneath it all.
My relationship with Jesus is suffering because I can't find my voice to speak to Him. The only prayers that are sent to Him are ones written or said amongst the tears.
Boardfest, I came home on fire. Now I feel as though I'm drowning kicking fiercely in the water, only to get no where. I want Jesus to be my lifeguard and save me again. I am a broken daughter of the King. I'm going to be honest with you mom, I have spent the last 3and a half hours weeping. Not just crying, weeping. Whether the tears are actually falling or not, I know that they are there. I miss you, I miss God. I want to be held. I want to close my eyes and rest in the arms of those I love. Whether it's God, you, or a friend. I want to be hugged until my arms are too weak to hold on any longer.
I want to be reminded of what love feels like.
Despite my current struggles I will continue to pray that my heart gets sorted out. I will pray that people whom I trust come into my life to come love on me. Truly that is what I want to feel the most: love.
"God, I pray for the healing of my heart. I pray that you bring people in my life to love on me. I pray that you take care of my mom while she is in the nursing facility and make her aware that there are people at home who love her. I pray that you stop these tears from falling..." and with that I'm going to grab a tissue.
Love,Britt
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