Lately, Life has changed and it seems I cant keep up anymore. So much change. I never fully realized how difficult it is for me to accept change, until today.
Its not that I can't cope with it, I can. In fact, I often have been told that I deal with change much better than some. I think the difficult part is more due to the fact that I want to be apart of people’s lives. I don’t want to be second best in someone’s life. I want to be important to them, and not just the person to turn to when others have fled their side
I want to be a friend to lean on. I want to be an encourager. I want to be someone that someone can abide in. I want to be the best for those I love. I want to bring smiles to those who are down. I want to help those whom I may not know. I want to be apart of the lives of those I love.
This summer has been so different for me(and I’m not just saying that because I don’t have my mom to support me at home right now). I’m saying that because things have, well, changed.
I feel so disconnected from my friends at school/church. I feel like the last time I really felt like they were my friends was when we were back in school. That is not because we got in a fight or anything its just simply because my heart hasn’t felt like they’ve invested in me. Is that selfish? I try to invest in them, I truly believe I do. I try to support them in the adventures this summer… when she left for Florida I would send her random messages letting her know I’m thinking and praying for her.
When they left for Santa Cruz I helped them pack. Encouraged them and sent them off with a good ol’ “I’ll miss you, please come back soon”. I know its probably selfish to say this but I tried to do all I could to let them know I cared. Was it not enough?
I’m afraid when I go back to school it will be awkward…I feel like a scenario like this may happen : “ Hi I used to be your friend, but over summer you seemed to forget, I’m back now… can we get back to the way things were?” things have changed. I need to feel cared about. I need to feel loved. Things have changed with them, and now it doesn’t feel that way. At all.
I want to come be apart of their lives again…but I want them to want me to do that. I don’t want to force myself back in their circle. I want to be invited back. A part of me says its not worth the effort, that I shouldn’t have to fit in… that I should be myself. The way I see it though, if I’m not accepted as myself to my group of Christian friends… where will I be accepted?Now don’t get me wrong not all my friendships have turned into a one way conversation. Jessica and Jackie are still here for me. They have never left. Never let me feel disconnected. I’m so thankful for them both. So why is it that things have changed with my other friends then? I think its harder to become friends again when the disconnect happened not because of a fight or a single event , but rather because paths have separated and time has filled the gap. It's harder to feel the same connection because you can’t just forgive each other and move on… because time still separates your hearts.
The one thing about change that is most difficult for me is that I give my full undivided heart to those I love. When change tries to come in and take those people away from me my heart aches.
High school friendships aren’t the only change I’m experiencing. I don’t feel as though I fit at Bayside West as I did before. Sure, I still consider it home and them family but it’s different. I feel as though no one sees me anymore. They say hi ask the normal: how are you question and move on to the next person. I understand that church isn’t always the right place or time to actually pour out my true heart. I understand that if someone asks How are you? I can’t actually say: “well, to be honest, I’m sad… I want to feel loved. I want to spend time with you and I want you to know me. Truly know me. I want you to know what makes me smile, laugh, dance, feel frightened, and scared. I want you to invest in me. I want to invest in you. And I want a hug”
...if I ever did say that I’m pretty sure no one would ever talk to me again because of the shock I put them through. But sometimes I want people to be honest with me. Maybe I’m the only one, but sometimes I would like to hear their true response to the question: How are you?
The reason I feel this way: I feel like if every time I ask someone that question “How are you?” and I get a generic response then I’m not letting them be their best. I’m telling them that I don’t really care what your response is…because your second best. If I really felt you were the best you could be….if you really were my best… I would let you be honest every time I speak with you.
I would prove that I cared for you by giving you my time. I would let you cry if you need to…dance with you if that is what you wanted... I would hug you if that’s what you need to have happen in order for you to understand you are apart of my life. I would let people see that they are their best, whatever that may be, and that I accept them for who they are and what they truly feel.
So, change, go ahead. I will now officially let you change me.
“Make my path clear oh Lord…Let me shine your light to those I love. Let my heart explode with grace that comes from you. Let my friends and family know that they are their own best and I accept them for who they are and how they feel. As for my desire to feel at peace with Bayside West and with friends from school….I can only pray that my heart becomes clear to them ,and that I find a way to explain that I desire love and acceptance from them…and that I want to be my best for them. Amen”
Love Your Daughter, Brittany
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