Never deny the dreams in your heart.

Mom,
Today for my public speaking class we were assigned a self eulogy. I have never been this terrified for a speech ever... and I LOVE speaking. Thinking about this speech though, really brought to my attention the blessing it is to live today.

In reflection of this attitude I decided to post pictures that relate to the things I want to be able to do before I die.
          Yes Mom, they do all revolve around New York...specifically New York City.


Tonight's NYC Skyline:

 Cafe Orlin off of St. Marks Place, a small hole in the wall coffee and brunch place that is actually relatively priced!

 Christmas Boat Parade that happened at the East River on Saturday night.

 New York City skyline last night

 

I am totally a New Yorker at heart!

Love always and forever

Your Daughter,

                      Brittany

No fancy words, just the truth.

Mom,
Today I don't have much of an idea about what I wish to say to you. To be honest I am only really writing on here because I don't like that it has been a full month since I wrote to you...

 I guess if I was to speak to you today I would say this: our life has changed.

 I know that sounds silly because it's one of those obvious truths, but it actually dawned on me today. I noticed that even though in less than a month it will be a year since you were on this Earth, I still don"t like to allow myself to admit things are COMPLETELY different.
I was watching the choir here at Jessup and I realized that if I went up to Tom and introduced myself that he might ask how you and dad were doing. You see Mom, Tom use to work with Dad a few years back and if he remembered Dad than I knew he would ask that question.That seemingly innocent, yet painful question. Mom, I didn't want him to ask that question because I felt it awkward to have to tell him that you passed away when I would just meet him.
So mom, today I don't have any metaphors or deep insights into my life. I'm just writing to say I'm still growing. Still learning. Still struggling to move on and be able to speak of you and not cry every time. I'm just writing to say time doesn't heal all wounds, it just numbs them. What does heal wounds is addressing them head on, acknowledging them for what they are, and knowing that you will survive them if you have the courage to do so.
Love always and forever
Your Daughter
Britty

Thoughts. Hopes. Dreams.

Mom,
Tonight so many thoughts are brewing in my mind...none of which, I have to admit, are connected. Because if this, tonight will just be a spew of thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I will be writing it in a neat list...I don't really know why, it just seems appropriate.

1. I am currently looking at my copy of Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre and tracing my fingers over dad's note inside. There is something so touching to me when I receive a book with a hand written note in it. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

2.When I close my eyes right now I imagine myself dancing alone on  stage in front of hundreds of people, and to my surprise, nailing Stephen's Children of Eden choreography.

3.I have Adele's song "Someone like You" on repeat. When I allow myself to escape reality I imagine this song playing as I walk barefoot on the beach holding hands with dad, like a little girl again.

4. At age 27 I see myself in a little apartment in New York,one that I am paying a fortune for- but it doesn't matter.The rest of the house could be dirt for all I care, as long as one room could be my study.
The study would have to have:

• A bookshelf from ceiling to floor(that I built myself) in cherry wood.
• A nice small desk with a bankers lamp...the desk filled with black and white family photos and covered in hundreds of papers, evidence of the book I would be writing.
• Bright red walls that show off the black and white drawings(which would be on the wall opposite the huge bookshelf) that Shelb created and gave to me the Christmas before. 

5. I, like every other girl, want to find love someday. A simple guy who has a good sense of humor and who embraces me for the silly girl that I am is all I need.

6. I have never been a person driven by money and I honestly hope that never changes. Enough money to live out my dreams is all I need, not a penny more. I want to remain charitable and be able to find a job doing something I love.

Thanks for listening Mom.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
                  Britt

Music to my ears...

"...And in the midst of sailing ships,
 we sink our lips,into the ones we love..that have to say goodbye."

Mom,
I knew there would be no way for me to sleep tonight if I didn't write this for you.

 As the three of us drove to dinner tonight, Shelb and I realized that dad had a Train CD in his car. The same CD you and Shelby had bought  when you went to their concert way back in 2007, I believe it was. Since your passing I have thought a lot about this one song in particular, "When I look to the Sky", and to my surprise when it came on both Shelb and I said, almost simultaneously, that it reminded us of you.

For me, this song reminds me of summer weeks spent cleaning the house. You always would blast this song when you cleaned the kitchen cabinets- and I remember the three of us belting it out as we all danced in our socks on the kitchen floor. 

This song reminds me of our trip up to the cottage in Capitola for a girls-only weekend... and blasting this CD as we drove up Highway 17...

This song reminds me of our crazy dance moves and your beautiful off pitch voice...

This song reminds me of our laughter...
"When I feel like there is no one, that will ever know me, there you are to show me.
When I look to the sky, something tells me your here with me, and you make everything alright..."

This song reminds me to thank you- for never leaving me, even when it feels inpossible for me to fly- you are always here and I LOVE you for that.

Love Always&Forever.
Your Daughter,
Britt

The power of written word

Mom,
We found old notepads that you wrote on a while back, but I decided today that for fear of ever losing the physical pieces of paper I would take pictures of them. I did this  so that no matter what ever happened to the notepad, I could always remember what your hand writing looked like.

 my favorite, written to Shelb &I :

grocery lists:

We love you forever and always Mom.

Learning to live with the fire...

Mom,
My mind is a flurry of thoughts tonight…


I’ve been thinking about what I should write on here for a while now…I thought of posting my AP Lang final essay, writing about my crazy adventures with Kelly and Morgan…perhaps thoughts on post- graduation or work… yet nothing seemed significant enough, important enough, to share with you…I realize all of those things are important to me of course, but I didn’t want to write about them…

I never planned today on writing anything about how this exact day is the 8 month anniversary of your passing…I never expected to have anything desperate to write down at all this evening.

In fact, all I know in this very moment is that my fingers can’t seem to type fast enough to keep up with the emotion swirling around in brain. I know that reading dad’s Facebook status this morning about you was both heartwarming and heart breaking. I was glad to know from his update that he recognized the significance of today…I was glad to be reminded that I am not the only one who can’t get you out of my head (you see, sometimes mom, I feel as though I dwell on the events of your disease too often for others liking)…but his update was also heartbreaking. It made me angry and sad all in one. I’m angry that you’re gone forever… and no matter how often I realize this, the pain never goes away. I’m sad because I have anger towards the situation….I'm sad that you’re gone.


The world must have been trying to get me to write today…


My Facebook page was covered in status’ about missing you, or status’ from other friends of mine and their daughters, or even pictures of their adorable and kind hearted daughters spending time with them. While all of this is so sweet and fun to read about…and honestly I am happy for them… I can’t help but admit it made me miss you just a little bit more….

Facebook wasn’t my only reminder of course,

My co-worker recognized the significance of today…realizing it had been 8 months since she witnessed our first reaction to the news

And the final straw… when I opened up my book to read the next chapter, “The Fire”… only to find the that author spent the entire chapter talking, of course, of her friend’s brain aneurysm that occurred while they were together!

Okay world….you win. I have given in to my emotions and have begun writing my heart out.

I wanted to share a really good passage from the chapter “The Fire” that I was referencing before, written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (new favorite):

"I could not save Catherine. [Oriah’s friend]. All I could do was refuse to close my eyes and my heart as the fire surrounded us both, refuse to soften the edges with comforting explanations- whether of God’s plan or karmic lessons- I could not know to be true…And I found that I can do it, if I chose to: I can stay awake and let the sorrows of the world tear me apart and then allow the joys to put me back together, different from before but whole once again” pg 108.

This quote explains what I have been trying to put into words for the past 8 months. I will continue to let the sorrows of losing you, losing my mother, break me. I will let them break me so that I can fight for myself…so that I can fight to find the joy in the most insignificant part of my day.

I don’t want to be like the others, I don’t want to forget why I am living. I am living not because I want to rid pain from my memory. I am living because I accept pain: that of the past, present, and future…when I accept it, I turn my face to the joy in my life.

Yes, it may take me a while to accept the pain… but I know that when my heart is ready, I will…and when I do, I will also find my joy once again.

I am attempting everyday to let the joy that I find in friendship, in love, in support, and in silence wash over me…and remind me that this fight is hard, but it’s worth every minute. It’s worth every minute, if you let every minute count.

Love always and forever,

Your Daughter-

Britt

"You made it all good for me…you made it alright."

"I think of you though, you don't know
 the reason why I love you so,
But never mind...
 Because you made it all good for me...you made it alright"(Stranger, by Elisa)

Mom, the title of this post seems to express what I feel for you tonight. This song always reminds of our camping trips in the 5th wheel. I remember one of our trips it was late at night and Shelby and I were on our beds in our “room” and blasting her Ipod with all of the songs from Elisa on it.

When you listen to the passion behind her words there is no need to explain why all her songs seem to speak to me lately.

To say 'I miss you" is worthless at this point. Mother’s day is this Sunday and I would give anything, sacrifice any of my dreams, pay any amount of money, have any amount of difficulty thrown my way if it meant that I could “come back home to you” (Lyric from Waves by Elisa).

Some of my favorite lines in Elisa’s songs…

“ It never began for us, it will never end for us”(song:Rainbow)

Mom, though I had a beautiful 17 years with you it sometimes seems that our life together never began. One of my biggest fears when you got sick was that you weren’t going to be able to stand at our HS graduation, I was worried you would be in a wheelchair… I knew if you were healthy you would have hated to be confined to sitting when we walked across the stage. You were loud, and I was worried you wouldn’t be able to scream for us as we walked to get our diploma….I now only wish that you could be in the audience next to dad.

Yet despite all of that, I know that my love for you will never end, no matter what.

“ ‘Cause its all about love, and I know better….how life is a waving feather”( song: Dancing)


Mom, I’ve grown and learned so much from watching you and I am so grateful for knowing and loving you.

“When I’m able to talk, I’m queen of my world” (song: Rock Your Soul)

Mom, you taught me how to talk without speaking. Words are much more powerful when they are so bound in love they don’t need to be spoken.

When you were trying to recovery, words weren’t necessary….because our love for each other spoke volumes.

Mom, I just wanted to remind you tonight that you made everything alright. Even when I have rough days or exhausting nights, you make it all good for me. Thanks for being here next to me for those 17 years of my life. I know somehow, though you aren’t here anymore, you will still make things alright.

Love Always and Forever

Your Daughter,

Britty