Saturday, September 29, 2012
It has been a while since I've been able to pull together all my thoughts for you, but I figured with an empty apartment and some much needed rest, I would sure try.
Tonight I am taken back to a very distinct day in my memory. It was the summer before my freshman year. Shelby and I had just pulled in the driveway at home around sunset. As we were about to shut off the car " Good Life" by One Republic came on her Ipod. We just stopped for a moment, listening and singing along as if it was the anthem of our hearts in the moment...I believe it was.
I remember that moment so well because it was 4 minutes and 13 seconds of pure reflection and anticipation for the new journey we were both about to head into, college.
As that song now plays on my laptop I am hit with a different reflection. In a little less than two weeks it will be the two year anniversary of your passing.
I really hesitate to mention that, knowing that some people may have the "you will eventually forget the pain" mentality, but I will anyway-- because saying I haven't forgotten that date is honest. Plain and simple. I want to be honest with myself.
This song reminds me of that moment when both your daughters stood on the edge of a new life experience, college. AND it reminds me that we had to ( and will continue to have to) do so without you.
Those are always going to be hard words to swallow. No matter how much time has gone by and how much healing has taken, and will continue to take place, in our hearts.
I believe in these lyrics. " Oh this has got to be a good life, this has got to be a good life, this could really be a good life, good life"--
I know I truly have the good life with the blessings of education, dreams, safety, family and friends... but I still want you to be here with the three of us experiencing these things all together.
I still wonder what it would have been like if you were around. What it would have been like to have both you and Dad texting me just checking in and making sure my Nutella stash is stocked...
...which come to think of it though, my Nutella addiction happened after you got sick, so even the idea that you don't know about that silly part of me makes me take a second in reflection)
I still wonder what it would have been like to have you around when I got my English scholarship, or completed my internship, or started my work with Children's on Sundays and with the Youth Detention Facility...I'm sure you would have been just as supportive as Dad is.
I still wonder how it would feel to see both you and Dad walk into my apartment to drop things off and make sure all is well with school and life.
Mom, I wish you could have met my close friends here. You would love them all, I just know it. I can imagine you would have been one of those moms who would send me back after school breaks with brownies and delicious treats for the girls I live with.
I wish I could look out at a choir concert this year and see you AND Dad cheering me on. Choir is such a huge part of my college experience, and it makes me a little sad at times that I will never be able to call you on the phone and tell you everything about it...what it would be like to hear your voice... :).
I guess all of this is to really say that I just miss the little things. For example, I just randomly remembered a walk we had with the dog years ago where we talked about how you would call me the first day of college and make sure I paid extra attention to my hair... because, well as you would say, "you know how I feel about ponytails and frizzy curls" haha!
Despite wishing for all these things right now though, I am smiling.
I am smiling because in recognizing what I miss about having you here with me, I am reminded (at the very same time) of all the things that I will always love about you.
Sure, I would give so much up to have you be here on earth again, but this world couldn't give you the best. If you were here it would have been in sickness and suffering.
In light of that, I will gladly take the heartache and the pain of October 10th everyday if I have to because while those who knew you may hurt and miss you terribly still-- you are out of pain and you are still keeping an eye on all of the ones you love here.
I love you Mom. Thank you for teaching me everyday what those three words really mean. No matter what, I am always beyond thankful for the 17 years we had with eachother.
Love Always and Forever