Hi Mom, (I miss you)
I was actually suppose to be sharing another thought with you tonight, but it is nowhere near complete and... well I guess this is what happens when too much (and too little) are going on in my life.
I have a feeling something is really happening in my life right now. I can’t yet put it into words. I just have what I feel is a 100 lb weight on my heart telling me I better be holding on because my life is going to become one wild but grand ride this year.
I feel anxiety of a different type tonight. This feeling within me is not the same hands tingling, gasping for air feeling that happened in early October. No, it’s a lot safer anxiety than that. (is that even possible?)
It’s a yearning for understanding. A desire for growth. A need for an overall peace.
No words seem to explain it.
I don’t know what’s coming, but I know it’s mindset altering...it’s going to teach me and stretch me.
I think that’s why deep down I know that the spontaneous trips planned this break are done in part because I want to run from my responsibilities. Not in a careless way, just in a "let's just go have some ridiculous amount of fun because we aren't in school" sort of way
In other words, let’s just say this break has me really realizing how great you were with my medical phone calls/ appointments/all that goes with growing up with CP. These things can be frustrating. Being an adult is a lot harder than I expected. Go figure.
It wasn’t that I thought it was easy, I just didn’t realize how simultaneously one can feel both lost and happy when something you still don’t fully understand is now your issue to deal with. Hello government health insurance plans.
Mom, I really enjoyed the recent trip to SLO and then Monterey bringing in the year. The doctors appointment that followed however, I didn’t enjoy nearly as much. Not that it was horrible, you know I just can’t stand doctors.
I enjoyed the trip in part because I knew it came with: really long drives and time to just think about other things than my "Before January 20th" to-do list. I enjoyed spending time with people I love and the calm that always fills my heart when inhaling the sea air.
All in all, this post was not in anyway a complaint about my to-do list or “ growing up” because I actually really enjoy those two things. I like the challenge of rising to the occasion of my life. I like learning....the sense of accomplishment and the new locked storage system (with alphabetized and color coded files for paperwork) is just an added benefit :) I really perfect benefit too I might add!
With all that said, I’m looking forward to fleeing home for a bit next week...it is break after all :) haha!
Love Always and Forever