This morning I was standing in chapel, as I always do on Friday mornings, and I wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down because my left hip was tired, my legs were trembling from exhaustion, and it was a fight.
It was a fight to keep standing. To hold back the tears. To choose life not death. To fight past the pain and continue standing, because it wasn't why I was standing, but who I was standing for,that mattered.
I don't think many people actually understand how painful and exhausting it is, for a body like mine, to stand still. Honestly, for any amount of time, it becomes an immediate battle. A mental game...can I beat my body? What really are my motives for sitting- is it just to get out of the fight?
In those moments of standing, every Friday, I battle insecurity.
During chapel it's a little bit easier, as long as no one asks me to sit in the front row, I can lean on the chair in front of me and know that, at least if exhaustion kicks in, I have a little bit of barrier between me and the floor. Myself and embarrassment.
But this morning. This morning was much more of a struggle than normal. For no particular reason, my body did not want to cooperate.
But I stood there the entire worship set. I stood not because of pride. I stood, I stand, because standing and not sitting for worship is the ultimate sacrifice for me. Standing means that I have to trust God to keep me up. It means I have to take control of my pain through prayer, I have to rely on my faith, and believe that God understands I am standing during that time for Him.
I am standing for everything that He has done in my life. For the people He has brought me. For the love He gives to me...
...for the body He has given me...
Regardless of how hard that last part was to say, I am thankful for a body which always reminds me of His joy. A body that provides me with so many tears, so many moments of weakness, yet so many opportunities for gratitude.
I stood today. I embraced my weakness. I stood today because one day, the pain will be too much, and God will ask me to sit...He will force me to sit...and I will comply... and sitting will at that moment become my ultimate sacrifice.
But until then, I will stand.
I will stand for Him and I will let the tears of pain...let the aches... be what they may.
Momma, I love you.
Always and Forever