Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A laugh of gold.

Yesterday you laughed and spoke your first word to me & my heart sang with thanks!! We love you.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I want to be a little kid again


I miss you so much today! It has been such a hard day for dad, shelb, and I.Today marks the 6 month anniversary of your brain surgery at Stanford. Who would have guessed that 6 months later my heart would still be just as hurt and broken as it was on that day. Christmas morning at Stanford in the ICU was the very last time I heard your beautiful voice.Mom, that day was so so so hard for me. By two-o-clock something had happened to you, and you were fiercely pointing at me babbling and crying because you could no longer speak. Little did you know that you had a stroke the night before...little did We know.

Mom, after all this time I still sit here and day dream about...why it is that you were pointing at ME?Why were you trying to speak to ME? What did you have to tell ME? Why were you crying to ME? Mom, you and I both know that our relationship has been a struggle since the begining. However, I still love you so much. I still have so much I have wanted to share with you. So much I have wanted to tell you. Will I ever get the chance to truly tell you how much happiness you bring to my heart? Will I ever get to discuss with you why it is I choose God, church,fellowship? I know you don't like me discussing it with you sometimes.. but what about now?When you are hurting, do you believe now that God is the only one that can truly heal you inside and out? Because I do. I believe God loves you momma.I believe I love you and I believe somewhere in your heart you know He is out there. I hope and pray mom that you realize I want nothing but the BEST LIFE for you. Even if you don't listen to me when I speak of Jesus.I pray that you at least hear that line. "I want nothing but the BEST LIFE for you".I have good intentions Momma, I promise.

I feel that since December 22nd-the day we headed up to stanford-I have struggled. Of course not nearly as much as you... that is obvious...but nonetheless I've struggled. I have lost my voice.I lost my will to cry out. I'm such a desperate person right now mom. I lost my voice...I lost the one part of me that allowed me to stay positive in strife. Without my voice I can't cry out to God. I can't beg my friends to be there for me. I can't explain the absolute pain that I am in everyday because of this.

I believe you are getting better...&I promise to rejoice when you laugh, make babbling noises, half-smiles, points, every time you acknowlege my presence. I promise you I will fight the pain and difficult thoughts with every living breath I have.

For a really long time mom I lost my voice. I lost my desire to seek closer to God, my desire to be happy, my desire for peace, and most important to me my desire for love and fellowship. I want it back now.

My voice has not recovered quite yet. I still can't fully explain to my friends and mentors that i need their support and positive thoughts and prayers ALL THE TIME...and the truth is i probably will never have the guts too. I still have a desire to go to Alex,Kirsten,Megan, Jackie and Jessica and beg for them to be apart of my lives. No, not just a part...i want them involved.

I am seeking God more now than before, I am giving every ounce of my strength to you when I visit, I am trying to find my voice.I just want to know that you and others want to hear my voice. I guess that is why i can't explain myself like I use to.

Today of all days though..above all other things i want you to hear that I need you. Today I woke up and struggled to get out of bed.Not even small group with Jessica and Stefanie excited me today.I wanted to be a little kid. I wanted to be four years old again.

I want to run into your arms and cry. I want you to say "It's okay, mom is here" just like you did when I was little.For about five months now I have this dream of me outside of Top it off(of all places) sitting,crying, being held.It sounds cheesy momma I know, but I want to be held MORE NOW THAN WHEN I WAS LITTLE... I want to be physically held, not just by God but by the ones I love.


I started this blog as a way to explain my feelings during this recovery of yours. I started this blog as a coping method for myself. It made me feel like you are still apart of my day to day life. However, as I finish out this entry i realize this blog has also become a place where I have secretly mended my relationship with you.

With love ALWAYS your DAUGHTER,

Monday, June 21, 2010

Back to the daily grind for me...

Hi Mom,
So like I promised I would-this is a picture of Shasta lake(the location of Boardfest 2010.Isn't it so pretty?

So the trip was Ah-mazing! Monday we drove up there of course. In our car was Chelsea Huddle:), Leah Smith, Olivia Buller,Ashley Defever(you haven't met her yet...she just graduated Woodcreek), Chelsea's roomate Cathy, Rebecca Ford(mom of my friend Jackie), Shelb, and I.

It was an amazing car ride. We stopped off in Redding at a place called Burrito Bandito which is an amazing mexican resturant!! When we got to the dock around 2:30 we were distributed into groups for games( we had a skit night, water olympics, chores for clean-up, and a hike) I was team blue with Olivia and Shelb was team teal I believe. We then had dinner and worship/ devotional time.

Tuesday-Thursday had the same format:
Early morning wakeboard run at 6 am
breakfast at 8:30am
9-9:30am devotional
9:30-10 am quiet time reading bibles
10-12::30 wakeboard and tubing runs
12:30-1pm Lunch
1-5:30 more wakeboard and tubing runs
5:30-6 dinner prep
6-6:30 dinner
7-8 freetime/ worship prep
8-9 Devotional-Paul speak
9-9:30 Small group discussion on the talk(in our teams)
9:30-10:15 Worship
10:15-11:30pm. freetime or depending on the night a game
we got up,breakfast, quiet time, cleaned the boats and headed back to the marina.
Got home around 6 and finally took a REAL shower not one in the lake!
That was probably a little more detail than you care to know but I wanted to tell you anyway.

Shelb and I went job hunting and visited you on Saturday!!

Sunday was Father's day and we ALL went to church. Saw Transformers 2 and went to Chipotle for dinner.:) Dad enjoyed his Itunes giftcard I hope!

So that is keeping you posted...
We love you!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Tie up the loose ends...

Hi Mom,

Sorry I haven't written on here in a while. Things have been kind of crazy lately now that it is summer.

Our last day of school for our Junior year was May 27th. The day when dad caught you mumbling and pointing at people when he went to visit you. I worked at Gradation the Friday after the last day of school, for the Class of 2010. It was our first ever graduation in the Stadium with Fireworks included. Afterwards Olivia Buller, Shelb, and Megan Howes and Katie howes(friends from school) went to Baskin Robins for Ice cream . That was fun.

The picture above is on the Last Day of Precalculus with my friends Monica Smith, Olivia Buller, andNicole Gonzales
I ended up getting straight A's a 4.0 on my report card and Shelb got all B's a 3.5grade point average.

Dad and us are trying to find a time to take a couple college campus visits...again to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and Cal Lutheran and on top of that Biola University(A private Christian college for me) and UC Santa Barbra for Shelby. We havent really set a date this summer yet because it will be really weird not having you with us...I think we are all a bit scared.
I got my license
on June 10th 2010. I only missed 5 points. June 10th also happened to be the 1 year anniversary of the car crash that I was in with my college age friend Charissa Freeman.Remember her? So before my driving test we had lunch to celebrate the fact that we survived a whole year without crashing together. haha.

Boardfest Tomorrow:
So Boardfest, which is Bayside of West Roseville's Summer Houseboating for a week trip is tomorrow. Shelby and leah smith are going too!!We have to be at the Pier(youth building) tomorrow at 8:30 am!!! I am SO FREAKING EXCITED!! This was my favorite trip last year. Being on Shasta Lake for a whole week under the stars will be amazing. Poor dad though... A whole week by himself at the house. He misses you SO MUCH lately.

So Father's day is comming up next Sunday... and I think Saturday once I catch up on rest i will head to the mall to get dad a Nora Jones CD he has been wanting. Who knows though, i have some other ideas up my sleeve too:)

So you had a bit of a scare two Tuesdays ago and ended up in the Emergency room due to a bladder infection,T.I.A., and fever. You're fine now though! The one concern is that your back on the feeding tube again(after moving to liquids for a while) because i think the medicine is making your stomach upset. I will do my best to figure it out.I love you so much mom, keep that strong attitude and know that as soon as I get back from Boardfest I will come visit you and post pictures on here... for later!:)

Love Always and Forever your Daughter-Brittany.