Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Live Beautifully.

To say I want more time to get all my things done is a lie.
 I want more time to love, more time to encourage, more time in invest others, more time to be free, and more time to enjoy. A lot of school things going on this week... yet all I really want to ask for is not more time on homework assignments, tests postponed, or fun movies in class. I want to ask for time to live beautifully. To live not to complete tasks, but to enjoy what blessings surround me. Sure, I am completely stressed out by the amount of work I have this week... but when it comes down to it I would enjoy time spent in love, in friendship, in peace....A lot more than time spent in textbooks, reading over notes, and completing projects.

Time spent doing what matters is time spent living beautifully. Smile, Laugh,Love and use your time to meditate on good things, your little blessings in your day. Focus on living beautifully and with purpose... rather than thinking of how to complete your to do lists.

Love Britt.

Monday, October 18, 2010

If I sang my melody... (I Love)

I love the crazy emotional roller coaster that has become my today.
From dreading my morning, to being wonderfully surprised by my sister, to experiencing the weirdest confusion of feelings that was my afternoon, to coming into the evening feeling inadequate as a leader and then coming out of it feeling like I matter. WOW! Life you throw me for a loop… part of me feels like jumping in the air and shouting for joy while the other half would rather just hide under a rock.

I love being loved. I love being thought about. I love being encouraged. I love being confused. I love being surprised. I love being sad. I love mourning. I love laughing. I love all these things not because they are always good or enjoyable in the moment (I have to say, mourning and sadness- not exactly fun emotions to experience ) but I love them because they are ME.

 I love them because they are TRUE. REAL. HONEST.

There is hope in pain. There is hope in joy. There is hope, even in an emotional roller coaster.

“Moods that take me and erase me and I’m painted black. Well you have suffered enough and warred with yourself its time that you’ve won!”

“…Falling slowly, sing your melody ...I’ll sing along” -Kris Allen, Falling Slowly
Love Always
 Your Daughter, Brittany

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Things that are beautiful to me...

What is beautiful to me?          
                  The unknown…
Less than a day ago, I attempted to put my feelings into words. I failed miserably.

Sure, I talked for an hour but I don’t think I really got to the point of what my heart really wanted to say. I failed, that’s okay.

That is beautiful. My thoughts, my inability to comprehend my world, that’s okay.

Ask me if that was okay yesterday evening…. I would easily say: absolutely not.

I want to find beauty amongst those things I don’t understand. There is a reason behind not understanding our pain. Its what makes us real. Its what makes our emotion real. Its what leads to self discovery.

Right this very moment, I am drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper and listening to Switchfoot’s “Your love is a song” on repeat. That is beautiful. I love being able to acknowledge that I am hurting, to acknowledge that something inside of me is preventing me from feeling what I wish… and yet still being able find strength to live my life and move forward. In due time, whatever it is that is holding me back will disappear. In time I will be able to say: yes, finally my heart is at peace…finally I’m able to let out my thoughts again. Finally, I can speak.

It’s beautiful to me that my heart feels like I can’t talk. I love that feeling, because it’s honest and pure. No barriers…simply the truth. I have talked so much that I no longer feel the pain that lies behind the story I tell. I feel I have abused the privilege of having words. I’m not upset about that. You know why? Because it teaches me that words are precious.

It teaches me that words are beautiful. They can hurt, heal, love, attack, penetrate, acknowledge, inspire... Words can teach us about the world. Words create the framework for stories.

Stories are precious insights into purpose. My mom’s story is precious. There is purpose behind her pain. Her struggle, her story sheds light for me on the importance of loving…of reminding people in your world that they affect you. ..Reminding people that they are beautiful.

Not just physically beautiful, but their life is beautiful. Their hearts are beautiful.

I love finding beauty amongst my pain. I love finding the beauty between the confusion and frustration.

I love finding beauty while sitting on a park bench, wearing sunglasses, when the sun has already set…I love finding beauty in my friend’s hearts…I love finding beauty in my inabilities. My feelings still have no words, no clear descriptions… but they are beautiful. Find what makes your pain beautiful. Live in the beauty that lies within your own discovery.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

S squared B?

Goodbye Beautiful. What am I going to do without my leader Killer B? :) We can no longer truly call ourselves SB squared without you...
                            I Love you…More to come later on.

At least you’re free at last. Free from pain. Free from your sufferings …Free from a body that wasn’t working…

Love Always and Forever
                      Your Daughter,

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Remebering the favorites of you :)

 My favorite of you when you were younger..So your smile! :)

 My Favorite of us... My smile says it all, I love you!
 You and your sister, you on the right I my Great Grandma Inez' house:)
You standing on the right with your cousins and grandpa :)
                                     I love you Mom!!!
                              Love Always and Forever....

                        Your Daughter,

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Misunderstood Emotions.

I need Jesus. I need Jesus. I want Jesus.
...I knew this moment would come…where I lose all ability to keep my feelings inside.. but who knew it would be sparked from stress in a midterm? Not me, but God has his ways.

I can’t do this. I need encouragement. This is killing me. How does anyone believe that I can study right now? How does anyone believe that I can pass my midterms? I’m running off of 3 hours of sleep people. …I need at least a B on AP Lit in order to keep my grades up…in order to maintain my grades for my college apps…and in order for me to actually be proud of myself for something. I don’t feel like I’m living. I’m breathing, but I’m not here…It’s like I’m in a trance. My heart hurts so much for you, mom, it’s like I am not here.

I’m almost in tears because of how stressed and tired I am right now. So much work…how can I do it? I have to read two essays and take notes, look up essays on Death of a Salesman answer 25 questions relating Death of a Salesman to Aristotle’s tragic formula so that I can be prepared for an essay tomorrow. I have to chose my essay rewrite, go back and reread that particular Hamlet soliloquy and take notes, write an outline for my rewrite essay, prepare for my essay #2 that I will do after my one on Salesman tomorrow, and somehow find Hamlet evidence and Death of a Salesman evidence WITHOUT rereading the entire book….AHHHHHHH. I’m tired! And yes, the whole point of this blog entry is to complain because I’m tired, and stressed, my mom is slowly dying- and I have to worry about midterms! Insanity! I say it again, Insanity!

I know if I don’t worry about midterms and I do badly then I won’t feel good about myself& be hard on myself, which will do nothing but depress me more. This is a lose-lose situation. Yes, I did make up a new phrase….Sorry for the complaints, I needed to get it out and no one would listen. Please think about me tomorrow as I am dying, tired, and probably so close to bursting out into tears that my teacher will notice….fantastic, not.
Love Always, Brittany

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Music keep me alive....

" Oh your love is a melody...underneath me...running to me. Oh your love is a song"-Switchfoot

"Friend, its getting late-we should be going. We've sat here beneath these flickering neons for hours...I'm cracking thier code, you are deciphering me... Oh can you feel the gravity falling?Calling us home?... Oh did you see the stars coliding? Shining just to show we belong"-Brooke Fraser

"Oh she used to be a pearl...
Yeah she used to rule the world ...
Can't believe she's become a shell of herself....
Cause she used to be a pearl"-Katy Perry

"You stay the same through the ages
your love never changes...
there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning"-Chris Quilala

Love Always and Forever...
                                   Your Daughter,

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Strength comes not from the body, but from the heart: Part 2

Once again I must begin by saying I’ve completely avoided coming back to this. It seems to hurt more and more as minutes pass.

I’ve given myself time to process a little more of what is going on and what you are about to read is a collection of crazy, emotionally charged, unconnected thoughts that have been rushing through my head like a train running off the tracks.

A knife is lodged in my heart…with every second it falls closer to my core…it travels deeper and deeper, becoming almost completely out of reach. It appeared September 23rd and told me it’s not leaving for some time. I try not to acknowledge its presence…I’m diving as deep into my studies as I can get

Lately I’ve even been making up (out of thin air) homework assignments that I can do just so I can keep occupied. Whether it’s pretending that my teacher asked us to read ahead in AP lit or rewriting my notes for Government just because I made one mistake… I have officially convinced myself the reason I am doing all this work is to get better grades and to please my parents…the truth is, I just want to keep myself busy.

I have lost inspiration…I’ve lost my ability to freely express how I feel about what is going on…to be honest this angers me the most. I LOVE TALKING….mom, you know I would talk to a tree if it would listen long enough. Yet now, I can’t put my emotions into words…I stop myself from processing what is going on. I feel like I’m searching for something to talk to you about when I visit-only wanting to bring things back to normal. I’m too afraid of what others will think if I speak my mind and ask: Can you hug me right now?

I thought I was a better person than that… I thought I had the strength to ask for what I need no matter how ridiculous it sounds to others. Obviously not. Yesterday being the most current example: I just wanted a really long hug…a hug where it’s just long enough to make me feel safe but not too long to where I feel guilty about being such a little kid.

Over time, it is said that we grow up. Overtime, it is said that we mature. Become less needy. Less dependent.

Clearly, I’m not there yet.

I have never felt more like a little 5 year old Britty then within the past two weeks. I need people to show love. Some people have…and I am so appreciative for that. I need to be supported, almost protected- from my own negative thoughts.

I have now cried…In front of people. Tuesday…and Friday…. Sure, looking back I find it thoroughly embarrassing but I don’t really mind. At the time all I felt was pain, all that I saw in my mind was you.

I’m too angry with myself &my inability to explain what’s going on to continue typing tonight…maybe I’ll come back later and finish my thoughts. Until then…

Mom- looking back at old photos of you today with dad once again reminds me that your arms were such a warm place to rest when it seems like I can’t make it to the end of the day. I love you …and I thank those who also love you and us during this difficult time.
Love always and forever
Your Daughter,