Sunday, March 6, 2011

Its like a drop in the ocean...

"Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most-cause you are my heaven" ~A Drop in The Ocean by Ron Pope

I"m going to let you in on a secret of mine...when I write to you I have to listen the same song on replay until I finish. This time the song choice is:  A Drop in the Ocean.

I don't know why I can't just let my Ipod scroll through  the music as the time passes... but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter....this song rings true.

 I do hold you close mom. Living and growing up  wanting you to come back to me is like wishing for rain in the desert.  Plain and simple: it would take a miracle to happen.

Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to honor you and share your story with others I've never met. Last weekend was my last chance, this season, to present your beautiful story to the world. Last weekend was my last individual event for Speech and Debate. It was my last presentation of your least for the time being.

 The whole weekend I couldn't help but think of you.

 While everyone else was having lunch with their mom and crying to their mom when they were upset...I sat on this beautiful white bench imagining your face, your smile.

It was one of the most humbling and reflective experiences I think I've ever had. Knowing that I didn't have you to lean on reminded me of what a gift you were...and are... to me.

I knew you were looking down on me in every round of the two day event. I knew you were smiling, laughing, and crying...I knew you were hugging me when I didn't break to finals. I knew.

Sure, I missed you tremendously last weekend... but your absence also reminded me of the blessing of family. Dad, Aunt Regina, Jen, and Shelb...were all at St. Francis at one point to see me speak.

 In my mind last weekend was like a family reunion.
All of us plus you. It was beautiful.

I may not have had your physical presence with me. I may have cried after every single presentation. I may have felt sad at one point or another. Yet I also felt LOVED.
Loved by my family, loved by my team, and most importantly- loved by you.

Though my memory often fails me...leaving me with no recollection of the sound of your voice or the immensity of your hugs. My heart will never fail to be filled up with love and thoughts of heart will never fail to remember you.

" A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather... I was praying that you and me might end up together"
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,