Sunday, November 24, 2013

Audience of one.

Hi Mom,

My life has been a mess as of late. My list of phone calls doesn't get shorter- the names just get replaced. I'm churning out essays for classes without really even connecting with them emotionally. I'm spending my spare time searching Amazon for medical equipment, then having dreams at night of me sprinting, in all it's unknown glory, up hills and eating breakfast outside on a park bench--just like I've always wanted.

Mom, I've realized lately that it has been months without the piano. It's been months without being able to just sit in a room and listen to the sound of the keys creating a story.To sit in a quiet room, my seat the only one filled in the audience.Why did I ever have to fall in love with the piano?

The desire to be an "audience of one" is so telling of my life right now, in more ways than just a need again for the piano.

I have been convicted lately that God too desires to be my audience of one. Sure, I can't play the piano as beautifully as my 7-year-old self once could... but I don't think God would appreciate "Here Comes the Bride" on repeat for the rest of my life too much anyways.

 He wants me to speak with Him like I know that He took the time out of his day for me. He wants me to say thanks as if He had taken his lunch break and played the piano for an hour just for me.

 Because the truth is, we both know, that being an audience of one to a private piano concert is about so much more than my love for the piano. It's about the peace that overcomes my soul when I know someone is playing just for me. It's about me knowing that the music they are creating is God's way of saying "Daughter, I am here. I placed this on this person's heart to share with you, so that you may know that I'm looking out for you. I will speak to you the way you receive... and the way you can no longer give."

God knows I can no longer play piano, and so do those who play for me. Yet, just as I desire to tell those who play for me that I am here, that I am listening, that I am for them- love them. God desires to tell me the same thing, not just through the piano, but in daily conversation as well.

I better start practicing some; since my audience of one wants to hear all the sounds of my life.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
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Sunday, November 3, 2013



This is the full definition of creative according to Merriam's Dictionary. And while I have so much I could talk about, I want to focus on my latest consuming thought: the creative process.
Having been working in my new job for two months now (in the office for 7), and working on becoming a better leader and individual through my classes, I realize why it is I love what I do. It’s all about the creative process.
I have come to the conclusion even more clearly within the last month, that one of the needs I have to meet in my life is fulfilling the desire within my soul to create things. To be able to challenge my own mind, to express the depths of my soul, to add to the creative sphere the lens in which I see the world is something I need to be able to do. I need to do it in order to be fully myself.
I need to be in an environment that can adapt, change, grow. An environment that isn't constricted so tightly by rules and instead flows out of guidelines. An environment that can be presented with a new spin, something unique and interesting.

Today is November 3rd. A day I dedicated to doing absolutely anything I wanted to do. I have been feeling a little dry of inspiration and creativity as of late, and so I knew if I was to sustain progress within my professional life, and more importantly in my personal life, I had to remedy this situation as quickly as possible. Having the outlet to be creative and having the fresh perspective to implement such ideas keep my attitude positive, despite other worldly things going on. Being creative and staying inspired is one of the many ways I keep connected with God. When I create, whether it's words, images, designs, or events what is produced taps into a deeper level of my being. 
Soooo anyways, I took today to rest and absorb. Goodness, it was/is hard. I don’t really like allowing myself to be free with my schedule…my weekends are often filled with a delicate balance of homework, fun, church, and focusing solely on fun and my desires alone is hard.
Nonetheless, I spent my entire morning scanning Pinterest, looking up quotes, perusing blogs, finding recipes and diy projects and just soaking in designs, inspiration, and beauty in nature and in tangibles. I then spent time drinking coffee and (!) got my nails done (which is a rarity as I never like to spend $ on myself—even if I sit and stare at my nails in awe of their beauty for days afterwards).  
After spending time drinking in the beloved brew of life and sitting in reflection as Juan painted my nails a dark grey, I headed over to the beloved Target. I wandered the isles of office supplies-making so many rounds the staff had to make sure I didn’t need help finding anything THREE times. Picked up a pine scented candle for my room—candles are another beloved thing of mine I never splurge on. I then proceeded over to the clothes, taking my time sorting through each individual piece in search of something olive green. Olive or forest green is my favorite color this season and I’m thinking my work space, and my wardrobe, needs to incorporate the love of this and teal.
       Even though it felt like I was off the grid of time for days(see what I did there?), it was only 3 PM at this point, and so I went to the park and straight to the swings where I spent time singing to myself a song I have been working on. (yes, for reals).
When I arrived home I went back to absorbing office and bedroom designs, working through a few color schemes, doodling and journaling.

       It’s only 6:45 and I’m struggling, after having read some, on what to do with my time but I’m determined to not touch my homework. Sure, I have a paper due Tuesday and another due Wednesday, but I know I work well under pressure and I really need to learn to be okay with doing what I need to do for my soul. 
I need to learn to be okay with the human need I have of feeding myself,on all levels. If I don’t, everything suffers and my insides become empty. I truly believe any paper written on an empty heart, an empty inside, is not only poor work, but it lacks a connection to the writers soul. A connection that is required should a piece ever have meaning to the individual.
All this to say, creative expression is a requirement and a true passion, one that I need to stop ignoring so easily
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,