Friday, June 10, 2011

Learning to live with the fire...

My mind is a flurry of thoughts tonight…

I’ve been thinking about what I should write on here for a while now…I thought of posting my AP Lang final essay, writing about my crazy adventures with Kelly and Morgan…perhaps thoughts on post- graduation or work… yet nothing seemed significant enough, important enough, to share with you…I realize all of those things are important to me of course, but I didn’t want to write about them…

I never planned today on writing anything about how this exact day is the 8 month anniversary of your passing…I never expected to have anything desperate to write down at all this evening.

In fact, all I know in this very moment is that my fingers can’t seem to type fast enough to keep up with the emotion swirling around in brain. I know that reading dad’s Facebook status this morning about you was both heartwarming and heart breaking. I was glad to know from his update that he recognized the significance of today…I was glad to be reminded that I am not the only one who can’t get you out of my head (you see, sometimes mom, I feel as though I dwell on the events of your disease too often for others liking)…but his update was also heartbreaking. It made me angry and sad all in one. I’m angry that you’re gone forever… and no matter how often I realize this, the pain never goes away. I’m sad because I have anger towards the situation….I'm sad that you’re gone.

The world must have been trying to get me to write today…

My Facebook page was covered in status’ about missing you, or status’ from other friends of mine and their daughters, or even pictures of their adorable and kind hearted daughters spending time with them. While all of this is so sweet and fun to read about…and honestly I am happy for them… I can’t help but admit it made me miss you just a little bit more….

Facebook wasn’t my only reminder of course,

My co-worker recognized the significance of today…realizing it had been 8 months since she witnessed our first reaction to the news

And the final straw… when I opened up my book to read the next chapter, “The Fire”… only to find the that author spent the entire chapter talking, of course, of her friend’s brain aneurysm that occurred while they were together!

Okay world….you win. I have given in to my emotions and have begun writing my heart out.

I wanted to share a really good passage from the chapter “The Fire” that I was referencing before, written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (new favorite):

"I could not save Catherine. [Oriah’s friend]. All I could do was refuse to close my eyes and my heart as the fire surrounded us both, refuse to soften the edges with comforting explanations- whether of God’s plan or karmic lessons- I could not know to be true…And I found that I can do it, if I chose to: I can stay awake and let the sorrows of the world tear me apart and then allow the joys to put me back together, different from before but whole once again” pg 108.

This quote explains what I have been trying to put into words for the past 8 months. I will continue to let the sorrows of losing you, losing my mother, break me. I will let them break me so that I can fight for myself…so that I can fight to find the joy in the most insignificant part of my day.

I don’t want to be like the others, I don’t want to forget why I am living. I am living not because I want to rid pain from my memory. I am living because I accept pain: that of the past, present, and future…when I accept it, I turn my face to the joy in my life.

Yes, it may take me a while to accept the pain… but I know that when my heart is ready, I will…and when I do, I will also find my joy once again.

I am attempting everyday to let the joy that I find in friendship, in love, in support, and in silence wash over me…and remind me that this fight is hard, but it’s worth every minute. It’s worth every minute, if you let every minute count.

Love always and forever,

Your Daughter-