Saturday, September 28, 2013

If tears could be colored, mine would be red.

Hi Mom,
This week has been such a growing, eye opening experience for me. In so many ways it has been just the same as all the others of this month: juggling two jobs, going to class, keeping on top of Skype conversations and writing paper after paper. Yet, in so many ways it has been completely different.

Two of my classes in particular, both leadership courses, are completely turning my world upside down. It is both the greatest and hardest feeling. I love that I am continually challenged to participate in reflection and self-examination, yet with a deeper understanding comes a need for addressing fears and acting on gained knowledge.

I now can accurately, and with complete belief and confidence, describe to you my God-given purpose. I have always known to some degree that the reason I am on this planet is because I believe others matter and I operate out of  the principle of " Intentional investment", but to actually announce it in a room full of creatives (which included the band manager for Rascal Flatts), really defined it for me.

This week has really been all about me spending time challenging myself and putting all I do and say up to that test. When I do (blank)/ talk to (blank)/ participate in (blank) is it obvious that my purpose for doing it is to make sure other people know they matter? Is it obvious to said person/ organization that I am being intentional and that " what matters to them, matters to me"?

And if it is not, how can I realign myself to communicate my purpose? How can I improve? And when I say "improve", it is not to say that I have been failing, but rather recognizing that this life is about growth. No one is perfect, but if God has made it clear what my purpose is, I need to pursue it with everything I have to give Him glory.

So why does this all matter, Mom? Because I realized that once I recognized what it was God has always been calling me to live out, I realized He hasn't left me. He still loves me.

Those closest to me know I have been wrestling a lot with fear of failure. Fear that though my biggest dream is to be entirely independent, that somehow I will fail. That somehow I will forget to pay a bill, or not work hard enough, or whatever and my adult life will suddenly be taken away. Like if I make a mistake, it's all over, and I must go back to eating on the kids menu, sitting at the kids holiday party table,  and living with Dad. And let's be real, we both know that I have worked waaayyy to hard to get away from the question "Would you like a kids menu?"  That when the question finally stopped coming at 17, (17 PEOPLE!?!! REALLY?!) I refuse to be seen as a child, in that manner, ever again.

The thing is though Mom, I've never believed that independence means isolation from could I when the entire Christian faith is about God helping us, saving us, when we don't deserve it...

And God really wants me to remember never to see independence as an isolating goal. I can still have independence and have moments of struggle. I thought He left me. This month, I had doubts that with all the struggles He has given me lately that He up and said "Well Britt, you're still you, so I'm going to cut you off from my good graces. See ya!" But He never did. He reminded me that He was there when I watched Him answer my prayers for my friends. I saw He was still there when I felt the love of those closest to me, as they talked with me,during a late night. I saw He was still there when, after an entire month dedicated to prayer, He is allowing me to go to Georgia and check another thing off my doctors ordered bucket list.  I saw He was there when people still want to be my friend, and share life with me, even on the days when I don't feel good enough to have them around.

He may be giving me challenges...lots of tears...uncertainties...decisions to make... but I know when I can't see Him that He is still there. He is still reminding me that the people in my life are His greatest blessings to my heart. They are the way I see Him move and love me. Every. Single. Moment.

  Love is seen in the outpouring of tears. Tears of gratitude for life, despite the challenges.

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,