Thursday, February 21, 2013

Sitting in JOY

Hi Mom,

It’s been awhile...seems like that occurs more often than not these days.
Spring semester is in full swing and Mama, you’d be proud—I truly feel like I’m growing up in every sense of the word.
I can’t really put words to it, but maybe that is what makes it so magical. I had a surge of excitement come over me the other day at the realization that real life is coming. One day I will no longer be a student. I will no longer live at a school. One day no longer be in a minimum wage job. Days filled with classes and snacks. Nights filled with coffee and work. It’s not, in any sense, a bad thing to be where I am at…you know I’ve always loved learning.

It just excites me to the very core to realize again that I am actually moving towards a clearer sense of myself and my place.

I’m starting to look forward to the days of not having “student” as my full time occupation. Sure, I still could list off a million things I wish to learn, but to actually wake up one morning and go to a job. To be an adult. How scary and beautiful.

Mom, my life is coming together. I’ve realized lately that I have no control over it and for once I’m not scared. I’m not scared that the “ideal life” I had planned in my head is becoming less and less practical or desirable for that matter.  Things may not end up the way I dreamed. I may not initially have my book proposal picked-up straight out of school. I may not land at Grad school in New York.  That is okay, my dreams are changing. I love safe variety.

I WILL go to New York, just maybe not under the grad student title…or maybe I will…
I may leave WJU right away…or I may stay an extra year and a half in their single subject program to get both my TESOL credential and my Master’s…
I may get a job with a magazine…or as a speaker… or as a teacher…or as a book writer…or maybe as a wife…
The point is Mom, I’m growing up. I no longer need things to go exactly as planned. If the dreams I had as a high schooler pan out I will be happy and joyful.
                                            If my dreams change, evolve, grow—I will be happy and joyful.

I am enjoying all the possibilities of life…of the future... of myself.

Mom, I truly deserve nothing I’ve been given. Not the successes. Not the opportunities. Not the skills. Not the love…and if that is all true (and I sincerely believe so) than I will be blessed wherever I land in life. Because joy and true happiness I believe don’t come from perfection, they come from mindset. I can loosen the reins on life. I can mature and allow my dreams and plans to do the same.

I am blessed with life and so I will sit in the joy of possibilities today.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter