Friday, July 20, 2012

Planning to be unplanned.

This summer has been unlike any other. I have run off my typical scheduled routine and floated freely this last month and a half doing whatever would make my heart smile: started a health class, baked with Shelb, weekly coffee runs to almost every coffee place in town,writing/editing, lots of lunch and dinner plans, reading...yes- lots of reading, and most recently a trip to Nevada.

It's been surprisingly hard doing only what I wish from the hours of 8am-5pm... I know you would say that is a ridiculous statement to make Mom but it's truly how I feel. Like I said in a previous letter I've always been one to do what would advance me to my goals. I am always striving for something: good grades, free time with friends, a job, a future (just how I planned) but this summer has been the opposite. My stress level has gone from ridiculously high to almost none existent and I am eagerly awaiting the day when that changes.
A few days ago I was in the passenger seat driving to Nevada. Once Upon Another Time by Sara Bareilles on repeat*. Rolling hills and turning roads outside the window. Just reflecting.
This is what came to my mind:
Friends- no matter how long or short our time together is, the one question I hope you never feel you have to ask is: "Do you love me?" My hope is that I'm living my life in such a way that you know the answer always has and always will be: Yes, more than words can express.

Mom,  this has always been my goal in life: To live my life in such a way that those in it know that they always have been and always will be loved far beyond words. And although I love a routine, sometimes that goal can't be met within a schedule and a plan. Sometimes it happens when you let go of control.
I've been learning through several friends this summer that what matters above all is: loving and supporting each other despite anything that the world throws at us.

What fuels my heart is people. That is what I have been reminded of this summer. Above all of my life's plans my biggest fear is to live my life to fulfill my own needs and not strengthen, invest, or love on the people who are in my life.

 If I fail to get rid of my school loans or have a rough time adjusting back to a busy schedule come fall semester I know I ultimately will be fulfilled if I know I have spent time investing in relationships. Focusing on the details. Spending time in the moment. Prioritizing my opportunities to show, through my actions,what really matters to me: my friends and family.

I think this summer is teaching me how to be more unplanned. I'm learning how to take summer day by day and stop focusing so much on controlling my plans, but on making the most of them. I'm being reminded how to laugh when your schedule is changed and love everything and everyone I am given even more. I've slowly been giving up the control I have of my summer and simple focused on people, relationships, and love rather then busy days filled with a long to-do list but no impact to be made.
It's been a good break from my normal ways...even if it means I have to plan this summer to be unplanned.
Wow, I have so much of you within me Mom!

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,