Sunday, September 26, 2010

Strength comes not from the body, but from the heart: Part 1

Caution: what you are about to read is pure emotion written on paper. I’ve been trying to avoid doing this on here for a few reasons…
1. My sister reads my blog, at least I think she does, and she says all that I write is very emotional and I don’t know if she likes it
…sorry sis I’m not writing for you, I need to get this out…
2. I’m just plain scared, scared to confront what is right in front of my face.
But I think it needs to be done for my own sanity

Everyone knows we don’t have that much time left together…I’m still hopeful but also: I’m scared. I started this blog for you-as a way of staying connected. I wrote it as if one day you would be able to come home and read it… and get a sense of what we’ve done and what you’ve overcome. Its no longer a thought but a reality: you won’t get to read this.

Despite that fact, I will still be writing on here, to you. Because I will resort to being a little kid….a little kid who thinks that this blog somehow gets to you, whether through telekinesis or that it travels from me to God to you some how. I will always be a child in that way. I will always believe that you are reading this, I have to-or else what is my purpose?
My heart hurts…I’m pretending that the small pool collecting on my shirt isn’t from tears, but that it is you splashing water on me from the pool, like you used to when you were exercising.
I want my friends & hugs & a big tub of chunky monkey ice cream to drown my sorrows in.

As I’ve been visiting you these past two days a few things have been on the fore front of my mind

1. I want to run! Run out of the room, down the halls, out of the hospital, and all the way back to November 13th….a few days before your first noticeable stroke, before all this began…

2. I can’t cry…. I don’t want to cry while I’m visiting you, I want to be strong….because just in case you can hear me, or see me ,or feel my presence, I don’t want you to see me cry, I don’t want to frighten you…I want to be strong for dad and Shelb too…but mostly for you. I want you to remember that WE FOUGHT TOGETHER for you.

3. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Never forget that mom. NEVER. Despite the ups and downs of our relationship I love you more every second of every day. You ARE a fighter, you ARE an inspiration, you ARE my mom and I love you more than I can express

When I visited today with the rest of the family…I really just wanted to climb into bed with you and talk about things: life, school, friends, boys, homecoming, and even puppies…to be honest I don’t care what we talked about, I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted you to wipe my tears, you to hug me….you to come back to life, to turn back into the mom you are. I hate seeing you like this, just listening to yourself breathe.

I’m so thankful for the time I had you in my arms, I’m so thankful for your advice, your hugs, your laugh, your first-day-of-school brownies, your “Belinda’s Chipotle”, your beautifully creative designs and party ideas, the way you would freak out when my hair wasn’t perfect, and the way you cleaned the house when you were stressed, danced in the car to Black eyed peas, belted out solos to Journey, and were at every one of Shelby’s water polo games. I’m thankful for car rides to the gym, your persistence when it came to my surgery recovery, your addiction to Andies mints, and the way you loved to shop and spend time with us. I’m thankful that you thought ahead…driving Shelby and I to consider college plans way before we got into High School, the way you picked out colors for our future weddings, and even thought about how to decorate our first home.

I’m thankful for every part of you, everything you had to offer, and your amazing character.
More to come in part two…My heart and body can only handle so many tears….

Love your Daughter, Britty

Saturday, September 25, 2010

My Obvious Giveaways...

Part of me is saying that I shouldn't post this, simply because those of you who do read it will criticize me, but oh well- here it goes.

When I get uncomfortable or am hurting but don't want to cry, I smile.

I know- go ahead-laugh, question me, whatever you want...but its just my gut reaction, smiling. I don't have control over it sometimes.

I was recently talking to someone and I got to a point where I knew I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to show it... so my body naturally did what it does when I'm uncomfortable: I smiled instead.

I do understand why that would look odd and out of character: I'm saying something that I'm struggling with & I say it's sad, and then I smile?? What's wrong with a person who does that???....they must be insane.

Honestly though, I promise I'm not insane. I just don't know how to respond to something without crying... and I just smile so often... it just comes out.

I really DO care about what I'm talking about...I really DO mean what I say....I just DON'T WANT TO CRY...
I always got in trouble as a kid for crying too my fall back was smiling, and now by doing that- I just look like an inconsiderate jerk. fantastic,not.

So, there you have it. My readers...(all two of you)....  now believe I am insane and worst of all: you know my dead giveaway, smiling when I really want to cry.

please don't judge me, I already judge myself. I'm sorry.

Avoiding what I really have to say

I have so much inside me, but now is not the time to let it out. Later, yes. For now, I will give you a list of all the places/things I haven't done,but really want to, in no particular order.

Picture from Google

1. Eat or watch the sunset underneath the rose (big red tower thing you can see off the freeway) :)
2. Go to Nubbins and have a shake
3. Go to The Fountains and actually see the fountains! Crazy idea,I know.
4. Go to Apple Hill
5. Have a picnic at a park with friends:)
6. Go to Downtown Tuesday in Sac
7. Make pottery
9. walk on the beach barefoot in Santa Cruz
10. Watch Charissa surf :)
11. Go to drive-in movie                     

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I am mystery. I am a locked room in a tall tower

Okay. So I have no idea this time what I will be writing about. I think I'm internally hoping that as I continue typing that something will spew out of my mess.

Wow. my brain is a pile of laundry. So many different things to think about: Emotions, the lack of my homecoming plans, speech and debate endeavors, friend situations, my uneasy heart... I have no idea what to say.

Some much...yet I feel as if no one is listening.
                                                                       Why do I care?
 This is pathetic, I apologize.

I miss you.

                                        ...but its more than that now... I feel THE VOID.

The void, that everyone thought I had before but didn't,  is now actually present in my heart and mind.

I feel it all around me, in every part of me. Trying to pretend that I get the same joy out of things like I did before...whether its Student Leadership or watching my favorite show "What Not to Wear"... well, I can't keep pretending. It's here and I want/ need to accept it.

I'm trying to keep myself busy, occupied. Trying to delve deeper into Ekklesia, Church, Student Leadership, Homework. Friends...anything to try to gap this whole. Surprisingly- I'm not depressed or upset about it but rather confused and uncertain.

I see myself spending more time with friends to try to find some of the love I find in you..I find myself more frequently stopping by her classroom just to chat, not about anything deep, just normal day to day how are yous...  In hope that I can leave the classroom and tackle my day with an encouraged heart (because of a role model)...I want to leave with an encouragement similar to the one you unknowingly gave to me every morning.

How is it that you inevitably shaped my desires?? I'll be first to admit, I had no clue what a presence, just a body of someone that I loved did to me. I realize that what I miss isn't just the quirks and annoyances that were you... but more so- just the physical presence of you in the room, just your smile, your being. What I would give for that.

On a random tangent, I just want to say I'm not sad today...rather reflective :)

Love always your daughter,

P.S. The title of this entry is lyrics from Brooke Fraser's "Deciphering Me" and it just seemed to fit the weird state that my brain is in today

Sunday, September 19, 2010

No words of my own

"All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone

I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So Iwhisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me,
You know me

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful"

.......I hope I am made more faithful to you … despite my struggling heart and my feet which are wandering away…may I find you once more in my heart...

"Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as lost to me
You are all I want
You are all I want"
-Faithful, Brooke Fraser

Monday, September 13, 2010

One... the loneliest number??

I've been doing a lot of what I do best. Just sitting and thinking about love. If you know me, you will know I do this a lot!

I like to think about the future...what i see myself doing...if I will love it

....i like to think about the ones I love... and what they will be doing...

.........I like to think about the people who I haven't yet met or loved... and where they are right now....

and the one thing that I keep thinking about is the idea of being single.

They say one is the loneliest number.

Do I believe it?

I would say 99.9 percent of the time, no. I feel that being single allows you to discover who you are. what you want. what you're looking for. what you love to do. what your dreams are. Being single allows you to be free. It gives you time to invest in yourself...and while at times I feel selfish doing it, a true leader does not starve themselves. A real leader is NOT a starving baker. I am a true believer in the idea that to pour rightfully into others you must pour into yourself first.

However, as I'm sure you've guessed...this is the .1 percent time. The time where I feel needy, and how horrible I feel to admit it. but here it goes: I don't want to be single at this moment in time.

Of course I'm smart enough to know not to go run after and catch a boyfriend just to have one. That wouldn't be fair to him or myself.
                                                      ...but secretly i wish i could...

I think now about what my life would be like if I had a guy. The perfect one.

A guy who loves God, and We invest into each other

A guy who calls me beautiful... and maybe even gorgeous

A guy who I can be myself around

A guy who respects me

                         A guy who openly communicates
A guy who loves his family...and respects the idea of family time

A guy who knows how to balance "our time" and time with his friends

A guy who plays the guitar...I'm sorry but sadly I love music too much to live without this :)
Maybe...He's around here somewhere...

Maybe...if its in the plan...He'll come around

Because I cant wait to invest in each other...and grow together

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Letters of love

Feeling inspired to write today. Smiles seem to fill my heart. Wow. I have amazing people in my life!

This week I was meeting with my college councelor and we were talking about life in general, the crazy things that are happening for us.
She brought to my attention how much of a blessing you are. She was right.
You not only have character, integrity, leadership, and love in your heart- but you also know what they mean and you use them. You are not afraid to take charge, lead the unguided, be a good friend. Sure, we all make mistakes, but you live knowing that you must learn from them. You inspire the shy, although its safe to say you are shy yourself. You know the right moments. You know when its the right time to be a leader and step up;and you know when its time to find support from others.
You are a blessing to me. You have taught me to not let others shape what I do. You have taught me to take everything I'm given and go for it, my dreams should not be limited. You taught me how to laugh. Even in those horrible moments when we are both hurting and instead of talking we would blast the stereo in the bug and sing at the top of our lungs from the pier to its a grind! No one knew we were hurting- but it didn't matter. You were there for me and I'd like to hope I was there for you to.

Mom and Dad,
I'll try to keep this short for readers sake :) You both exude such a strength during hard times which I so admire. It is obvious to others that family is important to you both. I know when I finally get the chance to make one of my own I will follow in your footsteps. This goes without saying-I love having to rely on you, I love being with you, and I love the lessons I've learned from you.

Senior ladies,
My small group rocks, leader included!!:) Our hang out session last night reminded me just how much I value all of you. It's nice to have a place where I can just be silly. A group of girls that understand eachother so much that we can go from talking about boys to bombs on planes and find nothing wrong with it. Each one of you has a special place in my heart. I can't help to grow and love a little more when i'm around you girls. Thank you for loving me, and for being able to do so without words.

Best Friends,
                             and those who I admire most
Words can not express how much I look up to you.You know who you are, I've told you before.  You have shown me such love over the past few years especially that I dont even know how to thank you. I will forever be in debt to you. You are some of the most important people in my life and I truly admire your hearts for others and for God.

My LOVE for each and every one of you GROWS stronger and stronger each day. To you all, be who you are at all times...because you are lovely.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

It 's better to be uncomfortable.

It scares me that last night I felt like, despite the insanity, I still had a grip on who I was and what I wanted. I felt I understood what my days were made of, what made me happy, what God was trying to teach me .

Then again like Chels said to me Tuesday: feelings are false indicators of reality, and I’m realizing this is exactly what she meant.

Yesterday I felt comfortable that I knew what was in my agenda. Today, I realize that those feelings were my own and not from God.

I wasn’t giving Him control of my agenda… I was self-centered. Enough so that I felt I could pick what I did with my time.

What was I thinking??

The only person who knows what will happen to me next is God and I was silly to think that I could do what I wanted.

My heart is uneasy tonight, but I know in the long run I will learn something from this pain.

Love always your daughter,


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Insanity or Insecurity??

I must be insane?

Mondays: 7 am meetings for Newspaper, school, work, and in a little bit Ekklesia!! (until then NHS induction)

Tuesdays: work, student leadership, until 7, When it starts up Youth Group, home for dinner and homework

Wednesday: NHS morning meeting at 7 am, school, work till 4:30, Speech and Debate practice 5-6

Thursday: meetings with teachers for college apps, school, work, home @5 (dinner and homework) and on tourney weeks Speech and Debate practice 6:30-8

Friday: Ekklesia mtgs. -later on ( this week : Friday Football, dinner, and then Jack’s)

Saturday: Hopefully lunch/sleep/ visit with mom/coffee shop with A ?

Sunday: Childrens during 1st, Church, and this Sunday only Speech and Debate practice 1-3p.m.

On top of that I may be risking everything I have by sharing my testimony in Student Leadership next week...yikes!


or is it insecurity because I feel alone..Am I doing all this things because I feel like I've lost myself??

“Father God, I pray to you tonight that amongst all my activities and events I find time to work on myself and my hurting heart. I pray that I find moments of peace and that I am doing things I love and enjoy with You in mind. I pray for sanity. I pray that I may be out of pain. I pray for safety in your arms tonight. For You truly hold every tear and praise. Amen”

Monday, September 6, 2010

Light to a matter of hours

I find it difficult to put these feelings into words.

So much to say but the words aren't coming out right

Spending so much time this weekend speaking about you, about us...reminds me once again.

I know that talking eases the pain & memories of you bring light to my days- but it comes at a price.

The evenings are always the hardest.They are times when I seem to remember your absence more.

I need a hug. A long, meaningful love-filled hug. I need a morning and a new sun rise.

Today was perfect, happy and joyfilled, Tonight is somewhat lonely.

I pray that you are enjoying your shows and your restful sleep. May tomorrow bring more joy for both of us.

Love and Miss you with all my heart.

Your Daughter.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Give me a tender heart.


is what happens to you when you know you are deeply and sincerely liked by someone. If you communicate to me that you like me, not just love me as a[sister] in Christ, you open up to me the possibility of self-respect, self-esteem,and wholesome self-love. Your acceptance of me banishes my fears. Mydefense mechanisms—sarcasm, aloofness, name‐dropping, self‐righteousness giving the appearance of having it all together—start to fall. I drop my mask and smile at my weaknesses and absurdities. The look in your eyes gives me
permission to make the journey into the interior of myself and make peace with
that part of myself where I could never find peace before. I become more open,sincere, vulnerable, and affectionate…I too grow tender."
-Brennan Manning
What truth this quote holds for me. As I begin to start my third consecutive year on Bayside West’s Student Leadership Team I am striving to build this tenderness within our community of leaders and within myself.

It is extremely important to me that I live a life in which I abandoned my own selfishness so that I may love on others. However, I know that I am but only human and thus have moments which I do not tenderly love on those who need it the most.

This is my challenge for this year. To love tenderly. To communicate to others that I not only desire to love on them but that I am invested in their growth, in their journey.

I want people to see me as someone they can confide in. Someone they can be truthful with, someone they can cry, laugh, sing, and dance with. Someone who they are so content with that they can go beyond their own bounds.
I want people to feel comfortable to open up, to dig deep within themselves and say what is truly on their heart.
I believe that everyone wants to be accepted and wants to be comfortable in their own skin. I feel it necessary to say that I too have this desire and need within my own heart.

As I continue to grow within my own life I realize how much I want to be open.

Ever since I was a kid I have had this fear of opening up to people and truly trusting them. I believe that this feeling of being closed off stems from the fact that as a young kid others picked on me because of my differences.

As I have grown older though, I have learned that not everyone I meet wants to tear down my self concept. There are in fact people who want to support me, watch me grow, and be apart of my life… & the knowledge of that is so freeing!!!

I want to insure this year that I work on myself, so that I may be a support for someone else. I want to have the capacity within my heart to give others the tenderly love they deserve.

I believe that as a student leader it is my obligation to set a high standard for myself. As a leader, it is my duty to portray God’s love. I believe God loved tenderly, I know He did.

This is why I must challenge myself to do so. It will be difficult - I have to be honest. I can’t hide. I must invest in OTHERS-Not myself. I must not judge. I must not gossip. I must not lie.

I MUST put forth all my effort and prayers towards being a light for Jesus. I MUST give myself up for the good of who He is. I MUST break down my own barriers and step out of my own comfort zone.

I MUST challenge myself to greet others I don’t know, be truthful to all I meet, and speak my heart. I MUST challenge myself to be real and to love like the Creator.

It wont be easy- therefore my prayers will be plenty.

Let us be encourager's. Let us be tender to one and another. Let our love for Jesus and for others be like a wildfire that can’t be put out.
Let us grow tender.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Semptember: Surgeries and Silence

Today, A little girl, who I met only once, is just out of surgery. She is in third grade and I had the honor of babysitting her when she was in first grade. Her name is Bree, or as I have always called her:sweet Bree- bear. Bree has had epileptic seizures sich she was just a baby. Today was her second and hopefully last surgery ever!

Going through the day praying for her made me realize just how many people I know that have never had the life-changing, life-altering surgery that both I and now Bree have been through.

Sure I know people have had their appendix removed or their wisdom teeth pulled but, its a much more riveting experience when your doctor says: "This 8 hour procedure will change your life forever, nothing will ever be as you saw it anymore. "

Wow. Can you say Terror like a million times over?

I was 14 when I had my first life altering 8 hour procedure. I was in 8th grade. My group of friends knew not the extent of what would be happening to me, what this would do for me. To be honest, I wish I was as lucky as Bree is today-she is almost 8 and is almost completely free from her troubles. If all goes well within the next few months- No more epileptic episodes!!

Most likely Bree will grow up with only a few slight memories of her procedures and her day to day pain.
I will live with vivid detailed memories of mine. I had my surgeries done later in my life, which to be honest has caused nothing but problems-as far as how many things I can fix in the 4 year limit I was given.

It is going to sound completely crazy but life changing surgery is a great blessing in my life. I honestly believe that it has made me such a stronger person.
Sure, my first surgery was an absolute disaster. I was in major depression mode for 4 months after-so bad that medicine wasn't working and I was readmitted. Sure, at the end of my first surgery the only thing I had to say to my doctors as the tears streamed down my face was: " You choose the wrong person, you should have given this procedure to someone who truly deserves it. One who doesnt complain about this excruciating, daily pain as much as I do. I'm sorry but I believe you made the wrong decision"

I don't feel that way anymore. Obviously. Now I am very thankful that my doctors MADE THAT CHOICE.

Still amongest all the emotions. Even though I am still experiencing excruciating daily pain. Even though my feet hurt everyday. Even though I have days even weeks of frusteration with myself because I am unable to be self suficent. I am still so blessed.
Life-changing surgery. Changes your life! Well duh Brittany, but really though I am such a greatly appreciative, stubborn, deeply determined, and optimistic person because of this.

I have had the opportunity to watch myself publically fail in my trials( falling& crying in pain), not meet peoples expectations,and above all else I have watched myself be criticized and stared at everyday.

But I have also watched myself jump rope for the first time in third grade(after a daily workout routine at recess that I created for myself). I have watched myself stand on one foot for 3 seconds, sit and move myself in a roll-y chair, and stand on rocks in sandals. I have watched myself succeed, going on my first ever hike last summer, finally WALKING disneyland grounds last month, and just this week- am now able to jump on my bed without severe injuries!

Who Am I to say that surgeries are bad? They are painful and terrifying yes, but they have given me some of the happpiest & most encouraging moments. They have allowed me to experience love without boundries through two friends: Taylor and Chelsea who took off two whole days to be with my the day of and after my last surgery in April. How can I not want others to experience this type of life change?

With that I say take everything you've lived for and prove to the world and to yourself that even in the painful moments something great developed.

Praying today for Bree and all those who have experienced life change in the form of horrible smelling sleeping gas and a cold silver scalpule.

Love your Daughter,