Thursday, March 28, 2013

Always underserving, yet still blessed.

It is currently the glorious week of spring break. A week where I should feel it is acceptable to spend a good chunk of time getting my thoughts out on paper to you. Truth is: I can think of at least three other things on my to-do list for this week I should be doing.
Deep breathe. Relax Britt, relax. Okay, I'm back---gosh I love spring break.

Mom, I’ve been learning a whole lot in the last month or two. It seems as though when I get the chance to reconnect with my inner thoughts, my inner self...whether that be through relationships, coffee, music, writing… or like this week: all of the above… It finally sinks in, that again, I have been growing up daily.

I know I will never be able to fully encapsulate the transformation that is occurring, the clarity and yet the confusion of life at this moment. This post is not an  attempt to “explain every detail of her decision making…and then gab about American Idol”—sorry Devil Wears Prada moment—but seriously, I don’t mean to try to explain every detail.

That is the great thing about this life though, that the truth is the 4 people that may take the 5 minutes to read this probably already know the details I wish not to go into. They know what has been going on and they don’t need me to attempt to clarify things for them, they know how complicated things are.

What I do want to share with you though mom, is the small sliver of hope I have. The excitement that rests in my heart when I think of the “one day” moment that will occur in the future is overwhelmingly beautiful. That moment when I  will get to look back at the stresses of now: school, financial decisions for the next year, raising funds for a teaching opportunity abroad this summer, getting to the bottom of my health confusion, the lack of control I have…wow, how silly it will all seem. It will seem silly because I know in the end I will have done all I can…and it will work out.

The hope I have in this situation seems almost unnatural at this point…I think it is. Mom, there really aren’t enough words in the world to explain how blessed I am. The fact that amidst stress, fear, and concern there can be joy, love, and strength-- I can’t just get over it. I love that we are not in this world alone. I love that I am continually surrounded by encouragement. I am continually reminded of the power of love,support, and quality time. I am continually reminded of the importance of intentional impact.

The people I have the blessing of knowing are some of the best people I think this world will ever see. They all have such unique stories, personal struggles, overwhelmingly encouraging hearts. I know these people in my life will, and are, setting the world ablaze with love and with passion.  I can’t ever tell them that enough (but boy do I probably sound cheesy at times!). All these people, Mom, they are my reason for hope. These last few months have been confusing at times, but their decision to have an intentional impact... to love me despite my flaws, my ups and downs, my uncertainty... gives me hope that not only is there an end to my fear and my stress….perhaps that end is also a beautiful beginning to another deeper level of who I am meant to be. (wow what a run-on sentence! )

I don’t have all the answers. I do have all the questions. But I also have a whole lot of hope, and a whole lot of people to bring me back to my feet,  to come alongside me and fight the day to day ups and downs.

Overwhelmed by blessings. Always will be undeserved.

Thanks for listening Mom... and thanks for giving me an example of a fighting spirit.

May I remember some things in life may require me to dig a little deeper, hold on a little longer, and perhaps, “go all Belinda on them” :)
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,