Saturday, August 4, 2012

Saturday thoughts: White picket fence or red walled apartment?

Hi Mom,

Can you believe it's August already? I remember the secret fear that I harbored this time last year that college was going to be the hardest time of my life. I have always been one to seek a challenge...but this time a year ago I held the fear that I would go to college and be alone. Yes you have it right, I felt so grown up and yet so little- like a little child in primary school, "Will they like me?"... "Will I make friends that are as wonderful as the ones I've been blessed with already?"

Of course once I stepped foot on campus I felt secure again, why was I so silly?! Of course I would make friends-just because I went to public high school didn't mean I was completely out of the club...

Now, a year later, no fear rests in my heart. I am counting down the days to the moment I return back to campus, yes sometimes even down to the minute :).

 (I love education, I love schedules, I can't help it!)

The closer the new year of opportunities gets though the more I ponder...

 "How does my present life connect to my dream life?"

 I mean I currently attend a school that is only slightly bigger than my high school graduation class (although this year we are increasing are student population dramatically...yay new friends), yet I want to attend a HUGE public college for graduate school (fingers crossed): New York University. Completely opposite environments that include completely opposite student views.

Will this give me an advantage, I think yes. However I wonder: do I have a clear direction?

I am split at the moment. Part of me wants to graduate with my Bachelors, get a job writing or teaching English, someday have a family, live in a place where I can have a house with a white picket fence, porch swing, and red front door-- a place where I can sip my morning coffee while the sun rolls in. Taking the day easy and enjoying the suburban lifestyle which, to some extent,  I have grown up in.

The other part of me ( and right now the larger part) wants to go to graduate school in NY, get some hole-in-the-wall apartment while I get my Masters, fight my way into some wonderful publication or perhaps become an editor... or professor... or find myself an agent... (yes PLEASE), and then get married and have a family which cherishes all the opportunity the "big city"  would afford us. (Wow, I can't believe this is what I think of on a Saturday evening...)

This part of me wants an apartment with a small kitchen, library or study with floor to ceiling bookshelves in cherry wood and a bright red accent wall, a place where I would gladly forgo having a porch or a backyard at all. The dreamer within me wants to live in a big city where busy is the normal and independence is required. A place where you earn the right to assert yourself, a place where the title "writer" is a beautiful and desired pursuit, not just a lofty goal.

And then there are all the random dreams and goals in my heart: to work with teenage girls who are broken (by means of abuse, drugs, cutting...whatever) and become a mentor-like figure in a live-in rehabilitation facility, volunteer regularly with Disabled Sports Association, Intern with the CURE Foundation and something like Invisible Children, study abroad, volunteer with the prison system (on my way!), be continually hospitable even as an adult (giving up any extra rooms or money or food to friends or others in need) , and take walks every summer by the oceans edge...

Where do these all fit? How can I mesh the desire to " live in the moment" which comes with my lifestyle now with a desire to be constantly growing, moving, and doing which is constantly available in big bustling cities like NY or Chicago?

I've been told over and over this summer that I am a goal oriented person. I make a goal and not reaching it, not reaching my potential, is NOT an option. I've also discovered this summer that people and more so RELATIONSHIPS with others fuels me beyond all else.

So how do these two parts of myself play into all my dreams, my future? Well- I have no clue. And the lovely thing is I didn't write this to figure out the answer.

I wrote this so that I could see all the potential that my future has. I wrote this in order to reflect on the goals and dreams that have been placed on my heart and to realize that I have no idea where I'm heading or what is in store for me as I grow older. Mom, I love this. I love that I don't need to know and that it will all work. That is something I have been learning from you. In two years our life changed in every way and it made me realize I have no guarantee of what I will do or where I will be in the future. It made me apprehensive to plan that far in advance to a certain degree. Life is too fragile.

Somehow though, I know that the desires and dreams that rest in my heart will not go unfulfilled. No matter what type of house, job, location, or hobby I pick up I know that all these desires will come to life one day.

Maybe they won't happen how I planned, or in the order that I wish, but the passions in my heart won't be overlooked- they will be a part of my future. Somehow I have hope that all these things, the dreams and plans, will come together through the avenue of relationships and people... and  they will all bring me SO much joy and fulfillment when they do!

Hey, some of these things are ALREADY fulfilling my heart!

I look forward to another great school year Mom. I will write again with updates on all the volunteering,serving, and activities I will be doing later in the month. One thing is for sure though- while I will be busy, I will be LOVING every moment and my heart will be full because I'm living out my goals and priorities in ways I never imagined! Wish you could be here to see the huge smile on my face right now as I have been writing all this- I miss you in these moments too Momma!

Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,