Monday, August 30, 2010

Winter in this heart.

While I should be reviewing terms for my Literature quiz tomorrow, I wanted to take a moment to explain.

Explain my thoughts.

It feels like winter inside my heart. I just got back(well, 2 hrs ago) from having coffee with a friend and I realized something.

It is winter in my heart. We all go through seasons in our faith and right now mine is winter. I feel the cool breeze that comes off the snow which lies at the depth of my heart. I want so desperately for life to grow here. For tulips to blossom and for the sun to shine, but it is desolate in the winter months. Dark. Cold. Grey.

I want so desperately to make something of my life. I want so desperately to be remembered. I want so despreately to Grow and watch others growing. Teach and be taught. Love and be loved. Inspire and be inspired.

I am hoping that my quick and gut decision about helping in Children's will develop this in me. I hope that I begin to dig deep in Student Leadership this year, make every bit count. I need to grow this year, because the growth I make this year will help guide me through these winter storms and icy waters.
Choosing to take the winter that is currently my heart and turn it into spring this semester. Doing so, will lay the foundation for a Christ-centered life if moments of doubting my faith come in college.

I dont want to be apart of the statistic talking about the percent of Christians who loose their faith when they hit college.

I want to become a heart full of vibrant life, hustle and bustle, and a heart that shines only the summer suns brightest rays. I want to grow and I want to move. I want to succeed and I want to fail. I want to survive the storms and the dark nights. I want to change.

Love always
Your Daughter,

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Blessings on a cool August day

Blessings come in many forms.

Here is a list of mine:

Family,they always love and support me. They know what I am going through and when I am down, they always know how to lift my spirits.

My puppy, Reesey is the best day-brightner a person could have.I mean a dog who smiles at you when you come in the door, what is better than that?!

Music. This one is simple I love to sing, and while my voice IS horrible... it is still fun to belt out some Glee every once in a while

Saturdays. My love for this day is growing. It has many things to offer: sleeping, laziness and shorts! haha

Finally, my favorite blessings are those random smiles I get when I remember fun events or days with friends. Right now, its July 13th Chelsea and I having fun together:)

Be blessed today. It's the weekend. Find joy in those small things: wearing your favorite clothes, cool weather,family visits, and maybe a good book.

Love always
Your Daughter,

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Like a beggar on the street corner.

It has come to me. This morning as I was getting ready for school, I figured out just exactly how I feel.

Bare with me. The only way I can explain it is through a simile.

I feel like a beggar on the street corner.

The only way I can explain where I am at with my friends is through the image of a beggar on the street corner.

I am holding a sign written on regular cardboard.It says "Will work for acceptance. Will work for acknowledgment. Will work for friendship."
The board is simple: Just plain words written with a sharpie. The sign is larger than I- to symbolize how big these desires are in my heart.

I feel as though I am standing on the street corner waving my sign. As days pass by, my waving only becomes more frantic, desperate even.

I begin to be creative. Finding things around me like flashing lights and big red arrows, both which I attach to my sign.Neither mechanisms grab anymore attention than before. Still the cars and people, like my friends and peers- pass me by.

Not knowing where else to turn for acknowledgment, I begin to walk up to cars with my sign. The cars are stopped at the light-only momentarily. I have only minutes to catch their attention. No luck. They look at me and turn away. Not wanting to address my concerns.

Feeling more hopeless than ever... by night, I simple find my new home on the cement pathway and take a seat. I wait. Wait for morning to come. Wait for another opportunity to catch their attention.

Maybe tomorrow will be better? Maybe it won't.

This is how I am walking through my life with friends. I'm doing everything to gain their attention. Checking in on them, saying hello, asking them if they need anything,not mentioning my problems but rather asking about theirs.

When still I feel that they are not investing in me- I become desperate. Like the sign waivers on the street I confront them, casually hinting at my difficult day-hoping they realize that I want their friendship. I engage in conversation at the lunch break silently hoping they will recognize my presence in the group.No Luck.

Finally I have come to the end of my desperation. Where I simply give up. Sit and wait. Hope. Hint. Continue to invest in them. Love on them. Acknowledge them. In hopes that some day they will return the favor. Maybe they will ask to grab coffee? Or ask how I'm really doing? Then again, Maybe not.

Please, teach me to acknowledge those in pain... those in need of a friend- not for any specific reason, just because they want one.

Love your Daughter,

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Defining Moments.

These are the defining moments. The last year of high school and the beginning years of college. They define us. These are the moments we choose careers, make lasting (or not lasting) friendships, go through the lulls with our faith, move out on our own, make our first paycheck, pay our first bill... no matter what it is we do, these are the moments that we really start to shape our hearts.

Senior year has already proven that to me. I am only a child. Still living at home, just starting my first job, driving all alone in a car, and learning how to make an actual meal, other than macaroni and cheese. Yet, I have ALREADY had so many experiences that others my age haven't.

I have done this all before, I have done all the motherly duties( cleaning, cooking, etc) before, and I have experienced heartbreak like no other.
4 of my friends all between the ages of 10-16 have had some type of cancer, I have ALWAYS dealt with people judging me... being kicked out of three of my normal classes, thrown into special ed, because the teachers assumed I was "too dumb or unable to participate in normal class discussion" all because I have adaptations to my Physical Education requirement.

I have had to mature quick quickly for multiple reasons : my own disability forced me to deal with adversity, my grandma's, great aunts, friends, and now mothers medical issues have forced me to mature and take on responsibilities at home and otherwise that would be considered abnormal for my age. However it's never bothered me. I believe that by being forced to mature and grow up faster I have found friends with varying age levels which help me to grow into a more responsible human being.

While I realize that the decisions made this year will and are shaping my heart, my desires, and who I am, I feel that I have already made these decisions earlier in life. I, unlike my friends, have already shaped my heart when I decided to help my mom with dinner instead of going to a party, taken care of my grandma instead of hanging out with my friends at a football game...I've already shaped my heart. I've already proven to myself that I want to take care of others above myself.

My friends this year are shaping their hearts.

One friend has decided to choose church over her favorite sport.

One believes getting a boyfriend should be the main focus of her school year. ( Not that I agree)

Another friend choose to take the wrong path and wants to party and drink because "its senior year, lets live a little". At least, that's what the majority of teenagers say.

I have decided to use these moments and continue shaping my heart as well.

My biggest fear of growing up and maturing is losing the ones I love and losing myself. I worry I will lose my faith, I fear I will lose my way, I fear I will lose my friends, I fear I will lose my encouragement.

So, I vow to use every moment of this year to find myself. Despite my busy life with work, school, and personal and current medical issues I need to really find ways to lose myself in God. I need to find ways to keep encouraged. I need to find what I love and pursue it... and most importantly, I need to ask others to come and comfort me, surround me, and love on me during these defining moments.
I can't do this alone anymore. I need encouragement. I need love. and I need these defining moments to be the best moments, and ones I cherish.

Love always and forever.

Your Daughter,

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Clock ticks:Finding myself amoungest a worried heart

I need more time. Time to sing, time to dance, time to shout, time to cry, time to cherish, time to invest, time to love,time with those that matter, time to improve, time to reflect,and time to be ME! The next 35 minutes I'm taking a break from homework, studying, helping others,and stressing about tomorrow... Instead I'm going to open my soul, work through my worried heart, dig deep to find a splash of peace, and I'm going to spend time with my Creator.After all, it is in Him that I will find time to sing, dance, shout, cry, cherish, invest, love, and improve myself!:)

Finally, advice and desire played out. Life is all about give and take anyway.

Love Your Daughter,

Friday, August 13, 2010

Choosing my fifth word...

For my Advanced Placement Literature course we were asked to pick an SSR book, one that is commonly used on the exam... so that we can be prepared for the essay portion. While at first I simply thought "Really? I'm a Senior in High School and I'm still required to do SSR, I thought that was 5th grade stuff? This is ridiculous." My thoughts have changed. I choose to read Dante's Divine Comedy and the prologue caught my eye.
It said:
"The true mark of any writer is in the choices he makes. Having written three words, he must choose a fourth. Having written four, he must choose a fifth. Nothing happens into a good poem; everything must be chosen into it.”

With that, this is my fifth word:Desperation.
I feel desperate. Desperate for comfort. Desperate for peace of the heart. Desperate to feel beautiful. Desperate to feel loved. Desperate to be remembered. Desperate to grow in Christ. Desperate for meaning. Desperate for grace. Desperate to be valued. Desperate to be worth something, to someone.

Where is this desperation coming from? Why have I not been able to be myself, why can't I find my piece of happiness?

Being a teenager means a lot of up and down, conflicting emotions. I understand that. However, it makes me sad to think about how many teenage girls have felt or are feeling like myself. Just plain desperate to be loved. Desperate for a solid rock. Desperate for company during a time of trial.

Desperation can lead you to do so many things you will regret. It has been a constant daily struggle to fight those feelings this week. The feelings to adapt who I am in order to fit in. The feelings to just call someone and say: 'I need you to say you love me, so that maybe I wont feel so alone.' The feelings to feel negative, so that maybe someone will notice I need a shoulder to cry on.

I know it's pathetic to admit that I am desperate for love.Especially when Jesus loves me beyond belief. However pathetic it may be, it's still how I feel, and I want to be truthful.

I know that God loves me... but it is at moments like this, moments when I feel no one wants me to belong, that the concept of His love is hard for me to grasp. I beg for Him to use me to love on others. I beg for Him to use me to save others from desperation, so they don't feel like I do. I beg that He uses me to comfort others in their times of need. I beg for Him to speak to my heart.

Mom, I also pray that He uses me to comfort you and to mend our relationship while you are away from me. I beg for Him to mend our hearts and bring us closer together during our times of trial and moments when we are desperate for answers.

"Father move me. Rid me of my desperation. Bring people into my life this next week to love on me. Prove to me Father that I am valued by You. Please, bring me a heart full of love for others, a body strengthened by Your grace, and a mind filled with the knowledge that You choose me and You will save me.All this in Your name, Amen"
Your Daughter,

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I want to be more than someone's second best...

Lately, Life has changed and it seems I cant keep up anymore. So much change. I never fully realized how difficult it is for me to accept change, until today.

Its not that I can't cope with it, I can. In fact, I often have been told that I deal with change much better than some. I think the difficult part is more due to the fact that I want to be apart of people’s lives. I don’t want to be second best in someone’s life. I want to be important to them, and not just the person to turn to when others have fled their side

I want to be a friend to lean on. I want to be an encourager. I want to be someone that someone can abide in. I want to be the best for those I love. I want to bring smiles to those who are down. I want to help those whom I may not know. I want to be apart of the lives of those I love.
This summer has been so different for me(and I’m not just saying that because I don’t have my mom to support me at home right now). I’m saying that because things have, well, changed.

I feel so disconnected from my friends at school/church. I feel like the last time I really felt like they were my friends was when we were back in school. That is not because we got in a fight or anything its just simply because my heart hasn’t felt like they’ve invested in me. Is that selfish? I try to invest in them, I truly believe I do. I try to support them in the adventures this summer… when she left for Florida I would send her random messages letting her know I’m thinking and praying for her.
When they left for Santa Cruz I helped them pack. Encouraged them and sent them off with a good ol’ “I’ll miss you, please come back soon”.
I know its probably selfish to say this but I tried to do all I could to let them know I cared. Was it not enough?

I’m afraid when I go back to school it will be awkward…I feel like a scenario like this may happen : “ Hi I used to be your friend, but over summer you seemed to forget, I’m back now… can we get back to the way things were?” things have changed. I need to feel cared about. I need to feel loved. Things have changed with them, and now it doesn’t feel that way. At all.
I want to come be apart of their lives again…but I want them to want me to do that. I don’t want to force myself back in their circle. I want to be invited back. A part of me says its not worth the effort, that I shouldn’t have to fit in… that I should be myself. The way I see it though, if I’m not accepted as myself to my group of Christian friends… where will I be accepted?Now don’t get me wrong not all my friendships have turned into a one way conversation. Jessica and Jackie are still here for me. They have never left. Never let me feel disconnected. I’m so thankful for them both. So why is it that things have changed with my other friends then? I think its harder to become friends again when the disconnect happened not because of a fight or a single event , but rather because paths have separated and time has filled the gap. It's harder to feel the same connection because you can’t just forgive each other and move on… because time still separates your hearts.

The one thing about change that is most difficult for me is that I give my full undivided heart to those I love. When change tries to come in and take those people away from me my heart aches.

High school friendships aren’t the only change I’m experiencing. I don’t feel as though I fit at Bayside West as I did before. Sure, I still consider it home and them family but it’s different. I feel as though no one sees me anymore. They say hi ask the normal: how are you question and move on to the next person. I understand that church isn’t always the right place or time to actually pour out my true heart. I understand that if someone asks How are you? I can’t actually say: “well, to be honest, I’m sad… I want to feel loved. I want to spend time with you and I want you to know me. Truly know me. I want you to know what makes me smile, laugh, dance, feel frightened, and scared. I want you to invest in me. I want to invest in you. And I want a hug”
...if I ever did say that I’m pretty sure no one would ever talk to me again because of the shock I put them through. But sometimes I want people to be honest with me. Maybe I’m the only one, but sometimes I would like to hear their true response to the question: How are you?

The reason I feel this way: I feel like if every time I ask someone that question “How are you?” and I get a generic response then I’m not letting them be their best. I’m telling them that I don’t really care what your response is…because your second best. If I really felt you were the best you could be….if you really were my best… I would let you be honest every time I speak with you.

I would prove that I cared for you by giving you my time. I would let you cry if you need to…dance with you if that is what you wanted... I would hug you if that’s what you need to have happen in order for you to understand you are apart of my life. I would let people see that they are their best, whatever that may be, and that I accept them for who they are and what they truly feel.
So, change, go ahead. I will now officially let you change me.

“Make my path clear oh Lord…Let me shine your light to those I love. Let my heart explode with grace that comes from you. Let my friends and family know that they are their own best and I accept them for who they are and how they feel. As for my desire to feel at peace with Bayside West and with friends from school….I can only pray that my heart becomes clear to them ,and that I find a way to explain that I desire love and acceptance from them…and that I want to be my best for them. Amen”
Love Your Daughter, Brittany

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Worried and Anxious Heart

So I told myself I was going to take a couple day break from blogging to absorb all the new tragedies/issues/concerns/ problems ( whatever you want to call them) that have arrived already this week (specifically last night)...i apparently lied.

My first day at the district office is tomorrow! I have to be there from 9am-4:30. My heart and mind are crazy anxious/worried. I should be resting from my long day and body sores from helping Chels move(which was fantastic!)... but my mind is racing. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to start working. In all honesty though, I'm terrified.

What if the hours are too long for my body to handle?What if I'm late? what if I don't park in the right spot?What if I don't make friends? What if I get bored? What if I get nervous answering the phone. My biggest fear: What if I end up having too many hours that I can't do things I'm passionate about?!?What if I don't get to go to small groups anymore?Like Makaela's? I fit in. I felt safe while I was there... I will even dare to say I felt loved. Now what? What if working 9-4:30 tomorrow and 7:30-4:30 until Monday... and then every day after that 1-4:30 is too much? I know I need this job. Our family needs this. I need the financial stability. I do want this job. I just am scared that I will have to give up passions like community, coffee-chats, phone calls with friends and speech and debate competitions because I work? What if I'm too lazy to be fit as a worker? Everyone I've speak to says newspaper is practically a job and it is ... but for some reason this is different. In school I work with my peers and now I'll be working with's a whole other standard.
I'm scared. I am worried. I hope i enjoy it as much as i wish. I hope the day goes by fast so that I can say to myself: I did it. I made it through. I feel alone and scared, but i made it through the first day and i feel good. Now let's get there 2 hours earlier tomorrow!... I hope I say that tomorrow at 4:30 and mean it.

I want this job, i worked hard to find this job, i don't want to mess things up, i want to get there safely and leave safely. I want to be happy and have confidence in myself. I want support from friends and family.

Most importantly I want to not be anxious or worried.

"Father God, I pray for rest for my weary body and tired heart. I pray that you protect me and my vehicle tomorrow, and that I may give You full control of my first real work day. I pray for a peaceful heart and unshakable faith in You. Amen"
Love your daughter, Brittany

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Closing my eyes and opening my heart for you

I honestly don't know where to start with things. I can't believe it has really been 7 months and 17 days since I have seen you walk the halls of our house, or cook in our kitchen. My heart is breaking. I woke this morning at 3:17 am in full on tears. I was having a nightmare in which I went to visit you at the nursing home and you were taking your last breath. The screen went flat line, and I woke up in a panic. I feverishly was praying it was only a dream, thankfully it was.

Mom, I just can't find myself anymore.

I have lost every desire to speak my emotions. I want to understand how I'm feeling...I want to be able to explain to those close to me why I feel so hurt, so broken... I really do...So why won't those words come to my lips?

No, instead I write entries on a blog that was created for you,one that you may or may not ever get the chance to read. Instead of speaking to those whom I share my heart, with which is what I want... I type my feelings on these keys, writing them down for an audience that is invisible.

I did a lot of soul searching while I was on my college road trip. Trying to figure out why I feel so unconnected. Not only with God, but with my friends as well.

Last summer was a difficult one as you know...our relationship as mother and daughter was really shaken, but somehow I still look back at last summer as the best so far. I look back to that time and I see the good. I see how close I got to my mentors and friends. I see how happy I was despite the family issues that were secretly going on.

Now, obviously things are different. We no longer have family issues, but rather we have a broken family. Your absence in the house has made a strong impact on all of us. I could say we're adjusting, and we are, but everyone knows the pain is still underneath it all.

My relationship with Jesus is suffering because I can't find my voice to speak to Him. The only prayers that are sent to Him are ones written or said amongst the tears.

Boardfest, I came home on fire. Now I feel as though I'm drowning kicking fiercely in the water, only to get no where. I want Jesus to be my lifeguard and save me again. I am a broken daughter of the King. I'm going to be honest with you mom, I have spent the last 3and a half hours weeping. Not just crying, weeping. Whether the tears are actually falling or not, I know that they are there. I miss you, I miss God. I want to be held. I want to close my eyes and rest in the arms of those I love. Whether it's God, you, or a friend. I want to be hugged until my arms are too weak to hold on any longer.
I want to be reminded of what love feels like.

Despite my current struggles I will continue to pray that my heart gets sorted out. I will pray that people whom I trust come into my life to come love on me. Truly that is what I want to feel the most: love.

"God, I pray for the healing of my heart. I pray that you bring people in my life to love on me. I pray that you take care of my mom while she is in the nursing facility and make her aware that there are people at home who love her. I pray that you stop these tears from falling..." and with that I'm going to grab a tissue.