So I told myself I was going to take a couple day break from blogging to absorb all the new tragedies/issues/concerns/ problems ( whatever you want to call them) that have arrived already this week (specifically last night)...i apparently lied.
My first day at the district office is tomorrow! I have to be there from 9am-4:30. My heart and mind are crazy anxious/worried. I should be resting from my long day and body sores from helping Chels move(which was fantastic!)... but my mind is racing. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to start working. In all honesty though, I'm terrified.
What if the hours are too long for my body to handle?What if I'm late? what if I don't park in the right spot?What if I don't make friends? What if I get bored? What if I get nervous answering the phone. My biggest fear: What if I end up having too many hours that I can't do things I'm passionate about?!?What if I don't get to go to small groups anymore?Like Makaela's? I fit in. I felt safe while I was there... I will even dare to say I felt loved. Now what? What if working 9-4:30 tomorrow and 7:30-4:30 until Monday... and then every day after that 1-4:30 is too much? I know I need this job. Our family needs this. I need the financial stability. I do want this job. I just am scared that I will have to give up passions like community, coffee-chats, phone calls with friends and speech and debate competitions because I work? What if I'm too lazy to be fit as a worker? Everyone I've speak to says newspaper is practically a job and it is ... but for some reason this is different. In school I work with my peers and now I'll be working with adults...it's a whole other standard.
I'm scared. I am worried. I hope i enjoy it as much as i wish. I hope the day goes by fast so that I can say to myself: I did it. I made it through. I feel alone and scared, but i made it through the first day and i feel good. Now let's get there 2 hours earlier tomorrow!... I hope I say that tomorrow at 4:30 and mean it.
I want this job, i worked hard to find this job, i don't want to mess things up, i want to get there safely and leave safely. I want to be happy and have confidence in myself. I want support from friends and family.
Most importantly I want to not be anxious or worried.
"Father God, I pray for rest for my weary body and tired heart. I pray that you protect me and my vehicle tomorrow, and that I may give You full control of my first real work day. I pray for a peaceful heart and unshakable faith in You. Amen"
Love your daughter, Brittany
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