Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My heart cries, Let me hear your voice again

Journal Entry to God.
July 27th 2010

Father, I am stumbling with my faith. I don't understand your path for me lately.
I thought I surrendered everything to you when I gave up my heart for newspaper and gave you control. Now I am unsure. Simply stumbling. Unable to find the ground below me. Unable to understand where you want me to walk.
" I pray this moment for an unshakable amount of faith, a heart that is ocean-deep and completely full of love, a mind that is clear, and a path that is in line with your desires for my life. Father, I pray for words that express my true emotions and that this time right now may be filled with a passion for You...one that is like a wildfire.Amen"- I just had to get that off my chest.

God, I need You to speak to me again. I need you to take my heart and speak into it, in such a way that I have no doubt that its You. I thought I surrendered everything. Now, I feel maybe I haven't.

I somehow am back into newspaper...I don't understand why this happened. My heart was so happy when I was going to quit. i truly felt your presence in my heart telling me it was the right thing to do. Now what? Was that you speaking again when I was told that the school won't allow me to quit? Was that You? Or was that evil? Please Father I am so confused. Please guide my heart and mind to things that are of you. Make clear to me your plans. I thought my talent was writing?Is it not? Tell me Father, what is it then? I felt a tug on my heart last week that you wanted me to do something else with my talent? Was the tug unreal? Do you want me to stay in Newspaper...is that why I can't quit? Please give my heart peace and understanding. Let me find Your path for me again. I am giving this another try.

"Father, I pray that my heart finds peace...I pray that I fully submit my life to you and truly surrender it all...because there really is no love sweeter than yours.Amen"

Kim Walker's song "I surrender" spoke to me today as I was crying and confused...

"There is no love, sweeter than the love You pour on me.
There is no song, sweeter than the song You sing to me.
There is no place, that I would rather be,
Than here at Your feet, laying down everything.

All to You, I surrender,
Everything, every part of me.
All to You, I surrender,
All of my dreams, all of me.

Verse 2:
If worship's like perfume, I'll pour mine out on You.
For there is none as deserving of my love like You.
So take my hand and draw me into You,
I want to be swept away, lost in love for You.

Bridge 1:
I surrender...

Bridge 2:
No turning back, I've made up my mind,
I'm giving all of my life this time.

Bridge 3:
Your love makes it worth it,
Your love makes it worth it all,
Your love makes it worth it all."

Thank you Father, for speaking to me today. Please, help me find my talent and heart for you again. Because wandering around on this earth alone, confused is hurting me.
Love your Daughter,

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Joys of Friendship

Hi Momma,
WOW! i am feeling so blessed the past two days. Let me explain the glorious two days I've had with them...
Seriously. With out adoubt, the BEST day of Summer 2010!
11-12pm-Worship Bible Study at the Pier with Chels. I secretly knew she didn't plan anything until the day of, but it was fun...we drew pictures of who God is to us.
1pm-Got a call from Chels asking if i wanted to go to lunch with her. We went to Jalisco Grill and chatting/ caught up on life until 2:45.
I went with her afterwards and made plans to hang out with Jess that afternoon. We went back home and watched Sisterhood of the Traveling pants 2 until Jess called and then we headed to her house. We watched The Burbs and The Proposal and ate Cheetos and chips ahoy cookies:) We then proceeded around 7:30 to go to the pool party at the Cho's and Chels and I went to Its a Grind afterwards and ate our leftover burritos and chatted with others:) The MOST FANTASTIC DAY WITH MISS CHELSEA EVER! EVEN BETTER THAN THE DAY AFTER MY SURGERY!AHH... I LOVE HER AND LIKE HER A LOT TOO:)hehe

Went to visit you after lunch.. you are doing so good!:)
went to Makaela's house for Bible Study at 3 pm. So great. I'm so glad I went. I got to learn more about her and what she believes in, chatted about boys and self image, and met a middle schooler named Shelby(for this blogs sake she will be Shelbz)who is awesome.
Friendship and the feeling of love is so Beautiful!
Love always and forever,

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Craziness of the heart.

My heart is filled with emotions.
Anger and sadness- from not getting to my phone on time so that i could have coffee with Chels:( I really want/need to talk to her and it bummed me out that when I called her back she didn't answer:(just my luck.

Happiness- Charissa is finally home and I may actually get to SEE her again!

Fear- that things wont work out and Chels will leave for her trip before we get to talk.Plus I am afraid I might not get to go to bible study this week.:(

I'll let you know how things are later.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My life has become one big mystery

Why do I write these entries? Will I ever show you this blog which I made for you? Will you ever be able to read them from our home computer?Will you ever be able to read? Why is it when I'm free, everyone else is busy? and vice versa? Why is it when you want your friends the most they are busy? Why have i not been able to sleep unless I have my fan on? Why am I second guessing being Editor-in-chief next year? What is my purpose? Do my friends really love me?Why is it that I miss family? Why is it that when I close my eyes today scenes from holidays with family come to mind? Why do I have a desire to just hug someone and never let them go? Why is it that I feel alone when others are all around me? How come I am dying to be on the beach with you right now? Why did this happen now? When I'm a teenager? How come we never realize what we have until its gone? Why is it that my self esteem is so low today? Have you ever thought about what someone else is doing at any moment in time? What is wrong with me...my emotions are so up and down today? Why do Aunt Lora and Uncle Bob have to live in Colorado? Why does it seem that at every angle, our family is falling apart? Why when I put in so much effort to be the best person I can be, I dont reap any reward? How am I suppose to handle all this? Why can't emotions be black and white? Have you ever had a desire to call someone, just so you can hear there voice? Why am I thinking of that eve in Santa Cruz when it was just you, me, & a bagel shop? Why does my life seem to be worthless to others?Why do I spend my time doing the things I do? Why is it that within the last three months 3 people have passed away? Why don't i have MORE hope? Why is that in tragedy our past seems to fade away?Does love really set us free? Why do I not have any answers?
Love always your daughter,

Friday, July 9, 2010

The perfect lesson.

Today I was taught the perfect lesson of life. here it is: God wont let you get away with sin and wrong-doings.
This totally hit me...I think i get why I have to be so harshly punished by dad. God knows that even if I was un-aware at the time, hitting another vehicle was wrong doing. It shouldn't have happened...it could have been a lot worse, yes... but it still shouldn't have happened.

I have to learn to be more careful when I drive....God made dad mad at me for a reason. I'm not sure why it had to be this way and not some other way...but who cares!

He got my attention. The lesson has finally stuck: Do good for God and He does good for you. He wants me to understand that I can be a better person because of this difficulty.I can learn to be more patient with those who are angered.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Despite the pain, I still love life...

Going through some rough times right now mom, and i feel all alone.

I told you about my accident but, i want to explain how the rest of the day went.

Got home. and seriously just sat until about 2 o clock not believing what all had happened.
Thank the heavens for Chelsea. She called and made sure I was still doing okay...It made me feel better that someone really really did care if I was okay and wanted to assure me that I would learn from my mistakes.

If only dad saw it that way...

Went to the lake(mind you dad was still at work)later that day with dad's permission. It wasnt that much fun because a got a bunch of angry texts from dad after he saw the car and got home.

later I came home and found out that im not allowed to go to any church related function for the rest of the month. I know it's going to be a constant struggle. I realize i must be punished... but why this way? I take full responsibility for it and even though he didnt ask, will pay him back. I just cant believe it...
How will I make it without support from my friends? Im not trying to be dramatic here. I'm serious, i have just gotten over being depressed about you being in the nursing home and now he pulls me away from people who brighten my spirits.

On a happier note... we went into your office today... because we had a dentist appt. of course. You will be happy to know that the dental hygienist that you weren't too fond of (Karen) doesn't work there anymore.

I had a heart felt one on one conversation with Rosa(your front desk buddy) about you and how i've been feeling since your absence. I love her. She is STILL such a good friend to you. She prays for you everyday, thinks of you often, and wants to be there for shelb and i if we need anything.(See this blog number 465 it reminds me of you two: http://1000awesomethings.com/)

She and Doctor Pan both teared up when we were discussing you today.

P.S. The New Dental Assistant there is not as good as you!!!Her name is Amanda, she's nice but you'd do a better job...no doubt in mine and Rosa's mind!
Love always your daughter,

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A tough day to say the least.

I woke up with a huge smile on my face. It's Chelsea's birthday and I was so excited to be able to see her on the actual day!! However, life had a little different plan for me this morning.

I stretched this morning(i know its weird i'm actually doing what I'm suppose to) and was in so much pain.went to its a grind stood in a long line and got my coffee. Got to the pier and dropped my coffee and it went everywhere! I snapped. Honestly mom i was feeling so bad. I was in pain. I got a wonderful comment from shelby basically saying that without makeup i would look ugly...so my self image was shattered, i felt sick to my stomach. and the coffee dropping was the last straw. I felt so bad that I walked into the pier... Chelsea all excited and happy, and i was holding back the tears as I walked to the kitchen. This wasnt suppose to happen. I was excited to see Chels and to clebrate her special day with her...but instead i brought a bad attitude and a stressed out heart. I did give her my letter and I hope she enjoyed it.
But i still feel horrible that she had to deal with that.

I soon got a call from shelb saying i needed to head back to its a grind because i unknowingly hit a car and the cops were there. i immediately left. Thank heavens for jessica, i cried and told her what happened. I went to its a grind and the cop said there wasnt going to be any charges pressed and next time I get in an accident i need to leave a note, but he understood that I didnt know it happened. I am still shaking and terrified of what dad will say when he gets home.

I am going to ask to pay for the dammages with what i have now and my first paycheck from the district. I am terrified of driving now. But even more scared of dad.I want to go to bed and wake up and have this never happen.
I'm sorry mom. I hope dad understands my regret.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

July fourth and all the fireworks that come with it...

So today as you know is July 4th...although, to tell you the truth I haven't really been in the spirit of celebration.

Shelb went off with Kari and they headed to our friend Matt's house to do who knows what.

I stayed home with dad and watched an hour and a half of lame "safe and sane" fireworks with the Hansen's and their boys. It's a good thing I'm not into fireworks all that much or i would have been disappointed for sure...

It's weird mom....no block party this year, you weren't home to make my favorite brownie and ice cream sundaes, i didnt get to see you do what you love: party plan, cook for others, and freak out about decorations:)

Tonight as dad and I were waiting for it to get dark, we discussed next year and how if it all works out I would be going away to college.Who knows were I will land, and honestly if i stay here longer that is fine too...

It is just odd to think that last summer may have been the last summer that we went on family vacations, or you bugged me to get a job, or you worried about it getting too hot becausethis summer has sadly started without you:( and next summer who knows where I'll be or where you'll be.. I am hopeful and hope for nothing but the best!

Happy Fourth of July Momma! It's not the same without you.

Love always your daughter,

one thing on the brain

The only thing i can seem to think of today mom is the night of december 25th when I was in Chelsea's car trying to hold back the tears as Bethany dillion's cd played. I looked at her as she drove, she looked at me, and said with a questioning tone in her voice..."You two have never been this quiet, especially you" refrencing me. I looked at her again trying to come up with words, i failed to, and shelby started crying in the back seat.

December 26th...we walked out the front door: chelsea with her guitar and her black shoes in her hand. She said we would do a devo once we got to our house since she left her bible n the car. we never did. I'm not sure why that sticks with me...the fact that we never did our devotional time. Maybe eventually I can ask her to do one with us one morning.

Those are the only things that are on my mind this evening.I remember every detail, every emotion, every joy, and every thankful piece of my heart that night..its just a replay of those events. I'm thankful it was Chelsea and no one else...it needed to be her.

But why is that replaying in my mind today?

Love always your daughter,

Friday, July 2, 2010

The silver-lining of my new today.

These are the things that I have come to find joy and happiness in as I am on this journey.

-walking on rocks(even though it was with shoes... it's still a step forward!)
-chocolate m&m's
-eating leftover icing that you bought to make your dad a cake
-encouraging text message and phone conversations with friends
-bible studies
-worship music
-learning how to stand on my bed and not fall
-finally finding a job for the school year:)
-random fun events with dad
-when we visit you and you actually make eye contact with me
-reading friends blogs
-dreaming of my future life
-knowing I am loved...

Love always your daughter,

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Sunrise to Sunset....

I never realized what a true blessing the sunset really is until I witnessed one this evening as I came home from my Bible study on "The Truth Project".
How many sunrises and sunsets have just passed me by?

Tonight I feel convicted.

I have done a lot of self reflection lately...both on my relationship with god and my response to this HUGE trial.

Why have I responded this way?

From December to March...
I took the approach of a sinner... I wanted to go in alone...I wanted to straighten everything out as independently as I could.

Sure, I'm still a sinner now but I realize I am and want to be covered by God's grace.

April to June 1st...
I realized I couldn't do this alone.... I needed Him. I didn't know how to respond, I didnt know if I really wanted to change, I didn't know what to do...

Again I recognize I can't heal you or fix our family alone...I need God. This time around (since Boardfest) I have bought the book Chels suggested My upmost for His highest and have read through it almost everyday!(I missed two days so far).

Still I feel that it's not enough...
I want bible verses around my room and bathroom! Ha. That will only happen if i want to be banned from church and friends

I want worship music! Only going to happen if I can get cd's from friends which I am attempting to do currently.

I want encouragement! daily encouragment.I don't want to go on this journey alone.I want to live sunrise to sunset for Him. I feel if I do that I can help the family out more; I can help you out more.

I think it's too much to ask for right now....
I will pray.