Black and white keys truly speak when I can't. Fingers running at speeds I can only remember being able to produce so long ago... childhood moments turned into only dreams now. Timing being kept by the up and down of a gentle foot on the pedal or the floor.
Desire. A deep desire to return to those days as a little girl, if only for a moment, when I could sit down at that bench and bleed. To share my deepest thoughts and emotions on the keys of that piano in a way that only that instrument can capture. I still dream about what it would be like to do it again...
The piano has always awakened the deepest parts of my soul Mom, but as " A River Flows in You" by Yiruma came on tonight... as I was transported back to a day with you in Carmichael... I couldn't help but be shaken by the sound even more than usual.
I have no idea what stage we were in, but I remember the fevers and the tears were constants at this point in our nursing home visits. All I remember otherwise was a picture one of your therapists put up on the wall, of you petting a horse while in your wheel chair. And I remember walking through that parking lot one weekend, headphones in and Yiruma's piano piece playing in my ear, trying my best to muster emotional strength. Trying to brace myself for the smells, the unpredictable,the childish games, your tears or your sweaty palms. All things I never thought I'd miss to the depths that I do.
Mother's Day is Sunday, Momma, and I truly don't know how to feel. My last two Mother's Days with you were not how I wished they could have been. The most recent, our last on Earth with you, was plagued with tears through church service and fake pink flowers on your hospital bed-side table at Whitney.
The one before that... honestly all I can remember is the guilt I felt. We had to eat at McDonald's and went shopping (very slowly I might add) because I was still in a hip-to-toe bright neon cast and could barely muster the strength to be out and about. I know you didn't really mind deep inside, but as your daughter it hurt that I couldn't give you the day you truly deserved that year.
Mom I listen to Yiruma and remember the tough moments, the moments of fear for your future, and reflect now in deep appreciation for them. Because though they were tough, they were still moments. Still pieces of time we could love on each other and spend next to each other. With each other in all possible ways.
Moments where the words "Goodbye Beautiful, Your Britty Loves You" didn't just flow through empty space, but actually into your beautiful ears.
I am thankful though, that Heaven probably is planning the best Mother's Day celebration possible--the one you and so many other loved mothers, grandmother's, chosen-mothers, second-mothers, spiritual-mothers, deserve. I am thankful for all our moments together, because deep to the core of those moments, reflected love. Love that conquered fear, love that gave strength, and love that gives me the ability to reflect tonight on the hard times and the Mother's Days as blessings.
This song... it reminds me of our times of growth, of our family's story, and of the love we shared... in your final months especially. What a smile it brings to my face...
Love Always and Forever