Mom,I'm feeling alive and aware... even with so much awareness of brokenness and lack of_____.
My shoes have been full of water all day. And no, this is not just metaphor-they literally have been filled with water all day.
Since January 2014, Rain has brought with it the need for bravery. To abandon the fear of falling; crutches losing grip and balance lost.
You think I've never had a "bad word" slip out? Walk with me in the rain and watch my lips come undone, even if just on the rare occasions. Sorry God, my bad.
The only word I can think of to describe it is traumatizing, Sounds silly, but when your body teaches you not to trust it, falling in the same section of walkway every. single. time. trauma is the only description.
Maybe this is why my children's book series has "rainboots" in the title--it's a call to bravery.
Mom, even with the awareness of what I lack...the standards I'm not meeting as an almost college graduate (May 2nd!!)...and the loss of control--I feel alive and aware.
Alive. Heart beating. Life changing. Morphing into who I've always seen myself becoming with God.
Aware. Aware that such change and morphing is painstakingly slow, often confusing and internal before external.
Mom, I'm beginning to celebrate the success of transformation taking root in my life and my heart in the last year and a half. I'm not the person I was January 2014, I'm not the person I was January 8th 2015. Some say you can see the changes via text message, but no the real stuff is seen when standing face to face. Take some time to stop making assumptions and see with clear vision the hard work it took to get here. The struggles, The support had and needed. The confusion. The loss in so many small ways. The gains.
OH THE GAINS!
I see more courage, More trust, More repentance, More hope. More clarity.
Less shame. Less hiding. Less possessions. Less unrealistic expectation. Less time wasted, Less doubt. Less of my selfishness.
More love received and given. More friendships strengthened. More adventures. More sacrifice. More storytelling. More redemption.
The same hard work. The same prayers. The same focus. The same forgiveness. The same God. The same desire to show others they matter more. The same appreciation of tenacity. The same heart for Haiti.
More singing. More dancing. More silliness. More public speaking. More prayers.
So much more to learn, to change, to grow in, to release.
OH DO I PRAY I TAKE MORE STEPS IN WATER-FILLED SHOES. Water-filled shoes remind me to relinquish, to be brave, to continue on and to remember from where I came. To remain alive and aware.