I know it’s been quite some time since my last post and honestly, that usually that means my brain was so overwhelmed that I became hyper critical of my writing... ultimately leading me not write much at all.
Alas! My more balanced self has returned from the depths of
paper writing, emotional rollercoasters, and just plain life-stress. What
really makes me feel comforted in this whirlwind of a semester though, is that
whenever I do get the time to inhale and… wait for it…exhale, I realize how
much I have been growing. I realized tonight that I am in a healthy, yet completely confusing place.
I have begun now, (thanks to lots of processing time) to grasp a better sense of how my brain
works and how in turn that has created the sense of confusion I have.
I see everything as a part of the big picture. I always
have, it’s my first instinct. If I get an extension on a paper for school, my initial
response is not: “Well now I can relax because I have more time”. It’s actually: “Does
this mean I will get the paper back later than everyone else? How will this
affect my overall grade? How can I be productive with my time now to make the
most of this extension?”
Everything I do
I see in terms of what it means for my life, and the lives of others around me, overall.
I’m not interested in temporary fixes, Band-Aids. I’m interested in the betterment of the whole
situation—everything in context. I’m interested in finding ways to be able to
look down the road and know that I will still agree that my decisions/emotions/actions
were: valid, honest, and the best I could have given…even if I made mistakes.
Someone the other day gave me this scenario: If one of your
closest friends came up to you, on one of the hardest days of your life to date,
and could only respond with one action and one phrase what would you ask of them? What would help you heal the most? If they could only say one thing and do
one action for you that entire day what would you hope it to be?
Besides being taken
off guard by the complexity of the question, my response was actually quite
simple. If one of my closest friends came up to me in such a state as the one
described and were only allowed to do one thing for me and say one phrase in response
to all I had to say I would want it to be just this:
1. Give me a true
hug; a longer than average, honest hug
2. Say something that
gives me the impression that what happens in my life matters to them.
What followed next
was the question: based on this answer, describe how you receive love the best
or in other words, what is your love language?
To which I said:
Mom, sometimes I want
answers to why things are happening in the manner that they are. A bunch of
questions are always floating around in my head:
Are my priorities what I want them to be? Do
my actions reflect and point towards those priorities? Why do I have such AMAZING people in my life?
What does this next
semester at Jessup look like for me—where do I see struggles and successes
arising and how can I be more prepared for both?
How can I be more intentional with my time?
How can I better communicate to those in my life that their life counts? That they
are thought about and loved in every moment of the day? What areas do I need to
improve on and what will be my steps to get there?
It is a great thing
that I often see the experiences in my life as a part of the bigger picture
because... well, they are. This mindset of the bigger picture has allowed me to
find encouragement and joy in the littlest of moments. It has helped me see the
purpose of pain, struggles, and momentary setbacks. However, sometimes, this
big picture mindset can cause me to become more confused, always wanting answers--which
ultimately derive from the human desire for security.
Like I’ve been told
several times before there is a time for big picture thinking and there is a
time for the step by step mentality. Now, I truly believe, is a time for the
latter. If you don’t act or react to situations because you are afraid, how
will you move forward?
Again, I catch myself saying that it is okay
to give up control; all the details of life are not mine to decide anyways. It’s
okay to take things day by day. It’s okay to react in what way I feel I need to.
You can’t learn from mistakes if you’re too afraid to make them. You can’t get
to the finish line without taking a step. You can’t see the big picture unless you’re
willing to risk taking the small steps to create a picture in the first place.
Tonight has been just
what I’ve needed. I will never know why everything is happening or why I react
to things the way I do, but I can see growth. I can see honesty. I can see a step…and
another step…and… look! It’s now Saturday.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter,
Brittany
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